Do you regret being so vocal to everyone about your divorce or relationship breakdown?

[fossilhunting]

I'm quite a few years down the line from my divorce, and in my 50s. I had a horrific divorce with lots of unusual twists and turns, which in essence, made for extreme gossip amongst friends and family far and wide. At the time, I was so shocked that I felt I had to tell everyone, as I needed their support and also wanted to discuss a breakup that was very out of the ordinary.

I now really regret what I did as I feel I'll always been known for my divorce and the drama that went with it... despite it being quite a few years ago.

Hindsight hey......?

Not now, too much time has passed butbwhen my ex and l split up, it felt like everyone knew about the details - we live in a small town and afterwards l wished we agreed to keep it all to ourselves

Weldone to you for sharing your feelings. Not many people are as brave.
sharing you feelings is healthy and reduces depression.
honestly, i wouldn’t pay attention to people who gossip. To me they are losers, so their opinion is irrelevant.

No I’m glad I told people. I spent so many years in shame thinking it was my fault my husband was cheating on me. Then when we split up and I told people, they were all sympathetic. Those I feared would judge me mostly shared stories about how the same thing happened to their daughter / sister / mum.

If it helps, a few of my friends have been through divorces and messy break ups and it doesn't define them to me. I don't think about it at all. Mess is part of being human and everyone has issues and troubles from time to time.

That’s reassuring.

I am going to follow this thread as I think this is a decision I’m going to need to make. Small town. Lots of gossip.

I know what you mean. I think I made myself come across "low status" in the long run. I had to overshare though. At the time, I felt I was almost going mad. Sometimes I think it'd be nice to start again, somewhere new, I m relaxed and boundaried and on an even keel now. I coukd make a better first impression now. But, it is what it is. I've idly pondered this question too though.

My nosy neighbour clocked the two police cars screeching to the house and ex DH being dragged out in handcuffs. When she asked me about it, I just told her the truth, figured she'd save me a job informing the rest of the neighbours.

I wasn't vocal - I just politely corrected the heavily revised version of events that exh was touting to everyone.

'Recollections may vary,' indeed.

I suppose it would have been possibleto be honest about how I felt without going into detail. Eg, I feel shocked, alone, scared. But geez, I was telling the postman the deets.

It's a fine line. I'm not a guarded person by nature really. I could have held back a lot though

I feel a bit disappointed in myself.

Yes and no: I was emotionally very unwell at the time. I had fled domestic abuse after 16 years with 4, then children. I left where we lived for a short time. I came back when the ex left here. My childhood had also been abusive too.

It was the divorce from hell that ended up involving the whole system of this country and being hidden homeless for 2 and a half years.

I'm sure I drove a lot of people mad at the time. That was 24 years ago since we left. 21 years before, I got permanently rehoused and brought the children home.

I/we have rebuilt good lives today. I use my experiences to help others. All children now grown up, living good lives, through uni, all in good jobs with stable happy families of their own. I also happily remarried, and I'm nans to 5.

No, not at all. But then I divorced my husband because he was an alcoholic and was emotionally abusing our teen DC (and me, but the DC mattered more).

When it was clear that things were ending, I told people - including his family. Turned out they already knew how bad he was and nobody was surprised. I also told work, because I work in mental health (not front line but with lots of clinicians) and I knew I would get sensible non-partisan support.

The only person who wasn't great was my mum - she couldn't handle it at all, but she was an alcoholic herself.

In the end he died before the nisi was pronounced, but I have no regrets about how I handled the comms.

I had a bit of a system. Only a select few know the full story, and then there was a hierarchy of people who were given a degree of info, with acquaintances getting crumbs. I felt it was right that loose talk didn't get back to my kids eventually, not everyone is discreet when gossiping. I'm glad of it now. Sure, it protected him, but I was thinking of me and the kids.

There are a couple of people I regret telling. In a 'I wish they didn't have that info about us' way but that's it.

But I do know where you're coming from. You're hurt. You telling the postie struck a chord.

I wouldn’t worry about what other people think you can’t control it anyway. If sharing helped you at the time then that’s all that matters. I personally over share because I’m neurodivergent and find it connects me to people

100 percent

Yes. I told people far too much, I think it's cos its all I could think about and just had to get it out.

I even tried to reconnect with people I'd not seen for ages, explaining that he'd cheated on me and we were over. I must have thought they would swoop in and look after me. They didn't of course.

It can be such a hard thing to go through. I'm kind to myself about it now, and probably a better more empathetic person as a result.

I felt very strongly that I was an innocent victim who had been wronged (new husband went off with one of our mutual friends only a few months after the wedding, with no warning) and saw zero reason to cover up what had gone on to the rest of our friends or attempt to protect his reputation for him at the cost of a single grain of further humiliation to my own.
I was particularly incandescent if I thought people were thinking "well, you never know what goes on behind closed doors, there's always two sides" etc - as far as I was concerned we had been very happy and loved up newly-weds right up until I was informed that we suddenly weren't.
Making sure everyone knew exactly what he had done was pretty much the only element of control of the awful situation that I had so I do not regret leaning heavily on it. He and his new gf were both genuinely amazed that I had not conveniently ceased to exist as soon as I was no longer required!
I do not think that is now "how I am thought of" as it was a long time ago (also full of other people's life events) and I have remarried and have a child now, so am in a different chapter of life to that time.

What's done is done but word of advice, people offer their shoulder for you to cry on only to get the juicy gossip but in reality they don't really care how horrible and abusive your husband was or the ordeal you have been through. Obviously it's difficult to manage this if your lives are so intertwined in every aspect where wherever you go people know you and your husband but I believe the best way is to never complain and never explain. I also appreciate that this goes the same way for the husband as well and if he is going off spreading rumours and adding fuel to fire where you feel you need to fend for yourself to save your dignity, it is very difficult in messy divorces.

@BestZebbie yes, that determination not to take a side, even vaguely, I felt hurt by that narrative. "Six of one and half a dozen of the other" what!!!!!! What!!!!

He was verbally, emotionally, financially abusive (and a sex pest altho I didn't tell people that thankfully) but what was it that I had supposedly done?

Some people can't stand up for you. They need to say "two sides to every story"

Why can't they say, you're right, nobody should stick around for more of that.

Yes I said far too much. I overshared because I wanted someone to help get me some perspective. I regret it because for a while it caused extra s*it that shouldn't have happened. I needed comfort and felt alone after my very long term relationship abruptly ended and everyone was shocked and wanted the juicy info (which at the time I thought people genuinely cared) it was purely to have the ins and outs of what created out breakup for idle gossip and the gossip was spun around that many times it then became something so crazy and untrue.It was damaging to him and to me and to our children but most of all it was damaging to the life and memories we made together once upon a time. I wish I'd kept my mouth shut and said very little to be honest, I think me and him would've actually sorted out differences out if I hadn't of opened my mouth

I was talking to somebody at work recently (also divorced but a decade ago now, so we can chat with detachment about it all). She was saying a woman invited her to her (beautiful) home, got all the information about he said she said who did what............... and then never made any contact again. So it's a really common trap to fall into.

yes, you did not collude in gaslighting yourself that you were half of the problem. I don't think we should run around town trashing randomers for entertainment, but it's wrong that defending ourselves and our right to have felt pain is sometimes categorised in the same way as 'bitching''