Husbands constant comments make me feel inferior and de-valued

[Mummobile]

My marriage has been marked by years of emotional ups and downs - 11 years married, together 14 years. The emotional connection and support I need from my husband have deteriorated since we had our first child over 5 years ago. In a nutshell… it’s the every day subtle negativity he has. There’s not a single massive blow out, but the slow burn of it all eating away at me.

im struggling…

The best way I can describe it is, if I express myself about an event or offer an opinion or suggestion, he will ALWAYS respond with a subtly passive-aggressive comments that seem designed to put me down. He doesn’t have any capacity to validate me at all - despite having months of therapy, which helped him briefly soften his blows… he’ll often focus solely on my own contribution to a negative part of a sticking point, offering no connection or support, no positivity or validation.

He tends to blame me for various issues instead of providing encouragement. If I suggest an idea, his immediate reaction is often negative, putting me down rather than considering a positive comment.

He’s evolved into Mr Negative over the last few years and it’s wrecking my mental health slowly… I don’t even recognise who I am sometimes.

I’ve subconsciously emotionally distanced myself because I’m not getting the connection, the support that I need from a relationship… and what I am getting is slowing eating away my self esteem, my spirit and value.

It’s not that everything is bad, we do have good times together - great family days out. He’s not a bad father and he does make an effort with me in other ways (special occasions etc)… it’s the every day mundane negativity and back comments …. And also constantly having to prompt him to help around the house. Without my reminders, he would likely stay in bed every morning, leaving me to handle the kids alone. I only get extra sleep if I ask and when I do ask, he develops quite a mood of being put out and I feel guilty for asking him to help. While he has improved generally after 5 years of co-parenthood with lots of long term prompting, it’s still me mothering him for the support that I need… and I’m tired… It feels like I married a man that evolved into a boy with a superiority complex.

I often feel like I’m an easy target, with his every day behaviour, it makes me feel inferior and himself superior, with the way he responds to everything. I’m not sure if this is intentional on his part, but it’s how his actions make me feel.

Every time I bring it up, his go to response is stonewalling me. I never get any validation and I never find the connection I’m looking for.

Not sure what more I can do… can anyone relate? Or offer advice from the outside?

What happens when you talk to him about it?

He sounds nasty. He is deliberately putting you down and not supporting you when you have told him how his behaviour makes you feel - that’s abuse. He absolutely knows he’s doing it and he doesn’t stop. He doesn’t care about you and is not part of your family team.

I left a similar man several years ago and have no regrets.

he will ALWAYS respond with a subtly passive-aggressive comments that seem designed to put me down. He doesn’t have any capacity to validate me at all

LTB. I have a relative like this. I get stressed at the idea of seeing him and tense during a get-together (it's not possible to see another relative without meeting). I can't imagine living like this with a partner. Everyone is sometimes fine, but this wears away at you.

The conversation will go like this

me: I will make a suggestion, or comment on something around the house or mention something personal about myself

him: he’ll say a negative comment to either put me down, say it’s wrong, say something negative or completely brush whatever I’ve said aside

me: I’ll tell him, please try and say something positive . I’ll say the constant negativity is killing me. I’ll tell him I’m struggling with it.

him: he’ll either defend himself, go in a mood or make further passive aggressive comments or say sarcastic comments

me: I’ll walk away because I know there is nothing else to say to be heard

The cycle continues

We have had therapy for a few month earlier this year which helped, but as soon as I thought we’d had an understanding and we stopped therapy, the months that followed, he’d returned to this non-validating subtly passive aggressive negativity every day.

Sounds like he got a wife to mother him and is disappointed in finding he has to put in emotional work for a relationship to work so he refuses.

He doesn't want to help you or make you feel good, he does those special occassion things to look good to other people.

It won't get any better with him.

Have you considered separation or divorce?

Does have have a MH issue, borderline personality disorder, something along those lines? I know people who always say the opposite of what you think BC they had trauma in their past. I think if you don't want to leave him, you have to kind of shield yourself from those comments. Stand your ground as to why the thing you want is right, but don't engage when he gets that way. Just say, ok then thanks for your opinion.

I think you know the answer op. If this has gone on for 5 years it doesn’t sound like there is a lot of love there and you sound very unhappy. I couldn’t live with this. I’d be seeing a solicitor and making my plans to leave.

More likely he's just a dickhead.

Your relationship sounds abusive and toxic.
He is toxic and the price you are paying is your mental health.
What is your work, housing, financial situation?
You need to be making plans to protect yourself from him.

Your husband does not bring you any joy. He’s tolerable just enough to keep you on board. You deserve to have joy and happiness in your life and sadly that is not with him.
You’ve tried your best, he hasn’t.

I think you need to give him an ultimatum. Unless he genuinely makes an effort to look at, understand and change his behaviour (which may be impossible) then the marriage is over.

You simply can't go on like this.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?.

You are in an abusive relationship with this man so this relationship is to all intents and purposes over. Abuse also is about power and control and he wants absolute here; abuse is NOT a relationship issue. This is also why joint counselling was a non starter in this abusive relationship; he just paid it lip service and you were never safe enough to embark on a joint counselling session with him.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. The apparent nice times now (and those are likely to be on his sole terms) are really the nice part of the nice/nasty cycle of abuse he shows you which is a continuous one. He is not a good father to his child either if you as their mother is treated like this. He does not behave like this around outsiders or to his work colleagues does he; he's likely all sweetness and light with them. You will further continue to remain a shadow of yourself if you remain with him for whatever reasons. I would indeed see a Solicitor and put a plan in place to leave.

An ultimatum can only be issued one time and the OP has to follow through with it. If she fails to do so it will lose all its power. I think personally its gone past such; he knows what he is doing here to his wife and he does not give a fig. Its not her fault that her H has decided to embark on his own private based war with her. You cannot go on as you have been OP: staying with him will destroy you emotionally. Abuse like this is insidious too in its onset and can take many years to recover from.

@MotherFeministWoman yeah, think you're right there probably.

A man who evolved into a boy with a superiority complex - is a brilliant phrase

Thank you for all of the responses. I understand a lot of the comments, it’s difficult to explain that it’s not all bad all the time. But the “bad” that there is, is slowly killing me.

It’s been a downhill slide… and at the moment the finish line is not looking good. I am heartbroken for my children that our family is heading this way. What it will mean for them, if the finish line ends up being separation.

I haven’t made a huge decisions on what to do, but I plan to keep a distance and find my self again. I need a wake up call and I think this is the way to do it, to respect myself enough (because he doesn’t), to be enough to me, and set boundaries of what I can’t live with anymore… to see if he’ll finally drop these awful daily comments.

It doesn't have to be bad all the time in order for you to leave. Very few people are bad all the time - hell even Hitler was nice to animals or whatever. And while maybe your husband is not a bad person, he's bad for you.

You describe the situation as slowly killing you. You have tried to get him to change, he refuses. So the only thing left is to either stay or go.

All unhappy marriages have had some good times, otherwise they would have never got together in the first place. But the bad in your relationship sounds continual, intolerable, and unchangeable. Surely you don't want to live like this forever?

Take your time and have a good think. What would you advise a friend if she was writing this?

What he is showing you when things are not bad all the time is actually the nice part of the nice/nasty cycle of abuse which is a continuous one.

You have not broken up this marriage or relationship, he has done that by being abusive towards you and in turn his children.

Better to be from a so called broken home than to remain in one. Trying to keep your distance whilst you are all living under the same roof is impossible.

He is not going to drop the awful daily comments because it works for him. He likes the control and power he has over you. It may well happen that your children start copying him.

@Mummobile Sorry to resurrect an oldish thread but just wondering how this turned out for you? It's EXACTLY how my DP behaves and I am sad too cause we have an older child and a baby

He’s evolved into Mr Negative over the last few years and it’s wrecking my mental health slowly… I don’t even recognise who I am sometimes.

Your husband doesn't like you. He'll do just enough to keep you on board(be nice sometimes..) so he can enjoy his little digs at you but thats all. He has to keep you there, as a woman with boundaries and self-esteem would not put up with him. She'd rightly tell him to get to fuck, and dump him.

He's eroded your self-esteem, sadly. I hope one day you do leave him. Because absolutely no man is worth your mental health. You've one life to live and further days with this dementor will simply spoil it.

He is supposed to be your best friend and biggest supporter. Instead, he’s a complete drain on your spirits and makes you feel shit about yourself (and grateful for the ‘good times’ crumbs you’re thrown in between the misery).

Honestly, life is too short for this shit. You really, really do deserve better.

@GentleHedgehog and @DownTurpinRoad Sorry the OP is over a year old I just resurrected it because I am going through the exact same right now, it was like reading my own life, and I wondered how the OP got on, even if it's strategies to cope whilst waiting on separating.

What a horrible situation. Perhaps you might need to think about whether you want the relationship to continue.