Disappearing messages

[teenagemutant]

Needed to use OH's phone for something earlier today and noticed he has disappearing messages turned on in WhatsApp for a woman he works with.

He says it's innocent, she turned it on and he wasn't sure how to turn it off but it's made me feel uneasy.

We've been together 7 years, no history of cheating.

I've said I think it looks a bit weird, like they've got something to hide. He says he understands and has now worked out how to turn it off, but there's just a niggle telling me there's more to this.

Who actually uses the disappearing messaging other than people having affairs?!

Am I being ridiculous?

Why is he messaging a woman he works with in the first place?

They're on the same team at work but work on projects all over the place so do need to communicate. He messages lots of people from work, that in itself is not the issue.

I message both males and females from work but I'd never think to have the messages set to disappear after 24hrs!

In fact if it’s for work it’s best to have a record of what’s been agreed.

Are the disappearing message settings for everyone on his what’s app, or just her? If it’s her only then I’m sorry but something is going on. No denying that

Only her

That's exactly what I said to him

If the messages just disappear for her then that tells you what you need to know.

How did you "just noticed" the disappearing messages setting on a random WhatsApp conversation?

You went snooping didn't you?

Oh she activated it and he's suddenly now managed to work out how to turn it off.

Sorry OP no way

Looks like she had good reason

Thanks, just wasn't sure if I was being overly sensitive.

I've told him I think there's more to it, but he's sticking to his story.

Need to have a think about what I do now.

As long as "what you need to know" is that maybe she turns on disappearing messages for everybody.

Only one person in the conversation has to turn it on and it turns on for all participants.

I'm not saying he's not cheating, but it's a hell of a sketchy bit of evidence to make a big decision on.

So what if she did?
Don't be mad at the snooper, that's gaslighting.

Knew there'd be one 😂

We were getting in the car to go somewhere, the address for which was in a group WhatsApp chat on his phone. He handed me his phone and asked me to get the address so we could put it into the SatNav.

I opened WhatsApp and underneath her name in the chat list it said 'X has turned on disappearing messages for this chat'

So no, not snooping but thanks for your help 🥱

For a start, if she's snooping it might be a suggestion that she has other reasons for thinking he's cheating, which might explain why she's jumped straight to the worst case scenario.

I have quite a few friends that use disappearing messages for work related stuff. Most of us are business owners do so use WhatsApp for work aswell as personal daily. But our messages tend to be very much about work focused. Quick questions. Not much personal chat.

Just highlighting that some people do use disappearing messages for work reasons.

I would question whether she put it on first - she may have. If you believe your partner genuinely didn’t know how to turn it off then maybe he wouldn’t have thought about turning it on in the first place.

Definitely stick with your instincts and keep ontop of it. Ask different questions weeks apart to see if his answers add up.

I hope it’s innocent.

@Bobbotgegrinch

Agreed, not much to go on but has definitely caused some uneasy feelings.

His story is that she switched it on as apparently she has it turned on for everyone at work, and he wasn't sure how to turn it off/ didn't try.

Not about to do anything rash, just need to get my head round everything.

I just keep circling back to the fact you'd only switch it on if you have something to hide 🤷🏼‍♀️

Thank you, that's useful insight.

Yes she definitely turned it on, it said '(her name) turned on disappearing messages for this chat'

It's possible, but it's not hard and fast evidence.

But now you can put your antenna up - the usual stuff - longer or unexplained absences, is he where he says he is, new personal hygiene practices, furtive phone calls, unidentifiable credit card charges.

I hope it's nothing, OP. x

I know people who use it. My beautician for example. It’s not a setting I can change but if I message her it says “Anne has disappearing messages turned on”. So is it the woman that has them turned on or him?

if it’s him - definitely bad
if it’s her - he’s innocent enough

This is innocent imo - I’m a tech based person. This message will come up if the person turns it on - she definitely didn’t turn it on specifically for me as we don’t talk much (once a year)

True, but having something to hide isn't always a bad thing.

DPs sister has disappearing messages turned on for I think everyone, including DP, me and our DD.

In her case it's because of a controlling ex, who even after they split up opportunistically stole her phone to try and get info on her. 3 years later she's still got them turned on.

I'm not saying your husband isn't cheating, noone on here can tell you that either way. By all means keep your eyes and ears open. But right now you're accusing a potentially innocent man of infidelity based on someone else's actions. That in itself is going to erode at and damage your relationship.

it could be very innocent. Our football coach randomly turned on disappearing messages. When I noticed I just turned it off

I’d also say if he handed you his phone to look on Wattsapp he has absolutely nothing to hide

I am in a few groups where members have randomly managed to turn it on and then not had a clue how to turn it off again, so it may or may not be deliberate.

Why would he have handed his phone over if there were things he wanted to hide?