Feeling lost and lonely after marriage separation

[Bluebreeze]

Feeling so sad today. I separated from ex DH a few months ago after 20+ years of marriage - he has now moved out. We have two teenage dc who go to his at the weekends and part of the school holidays.

I initiated the separation after a very tough few years, well, decade really. We went through a lot of stressful life situations and it was tough for us both. My DH became more and more withdrawn, depressed, anxious, and cold and angry with me. There was a lot of emotional abuse, gaslighting, passive aggressiveness etc. He eventually told me he didn't love me any more. He also had a breakdown and hasn't worked for a couple of years.

I desperately wanted to keep us together as a family, but just couldn't do it any more. I was so stressed and crying every day for over a year as I couldn't handle the situation. When DH first moved out I felt so relieved as the atmosphere was so much lighter. I felt free and independent, and didn't have to tread on eggshells any more.

But the last few weeks I've been feeling so sad. I still see ex DH quite a lot as we talk to each other a fair amount about the dc, finances etc. He is being much more respectful now we're not living together.

But I'm now remembering all the good bits of our relationship. Even when it was bad, we would always watch a film together at the weekend, share a bottle of wine etc. I could always have interesting conversations with him. I must admit he was good if I was ever feeling anxious or down - he used to give me a hug and be supportive (although not so much in recent years).

I just feel so lonely - I feel like I really want a hug/physical contact from a man. I know that sounds so pathetic, but I guess this is an anonymous forum! I went into the local town yesterday and bumped into a couple of people I know, all with their husbands or partners and I felt very sad to be alone. Although the reality for the past few years was that if I'd gone out with my ex DH, he was usually in a mood with me or distracted with his own problems.

I feel really lost as although I work and do enjoy my job, my focus was always my dc and exdh, and us all as a family. I almost don't know how to go forward, as it's now just me and the dc, but sometimes like at the weekends, or part of the school holidays, just me. It's almost like I don't have any motivation to do up the house or anything, as it doesn't feel like it's really a family home anymore, especially as the dc are now getting older and more interested in doing their own things.

I definitely don't feel ready to meet anyone else yet, I don't know if I ever will really. I have ADHD and I find it difficult to cope with too many things, so the thought of being a mum, working, running the house and garden, dealing with exdh and having a new relationship - I just don't know if I could do it all. That feels depressing as well, as I just don't know if I'll ever be with anyone again.

Sorry for the self pitying rant! I just wondered if anyone had felt like this - hopefully it's just a stage and will get better!

How about a hobby? That could keep your mind busy and give you something new to focus on x

Sending you a hug, OP. You’re in a difficult stage now, the inevitable slump after the initial burst of happiness and relief has worn off. You’ve done the right thing for DC as well as yourself. Stay strong. Take this opportunity of focusing on your own needs as well as DCs’ and finding out what you enjoy. Best of luck xx

I feel like this too

This sounds totally normal to me at the stage you're at - I'm nearly 8 years down the line. It will get much better. You are in a period of adjustment. Of course there are things you'll miss (it's so hard when you meet happy-looking couples out and about but remember that you never know what's happening in someone else's marriage) but tell yourself that overall you are in a better, calmer position where you can focus on your own needs and those of your children. Give yourself some mantras and keep a gratitude journal (sounds woo-woo but they helped me)

This was me 4 years ago. Amicable split and we get along much better apart. But after a few months I felt terribly lost and lonely. Not helped by my ex finding a new gf!
Had some telephone counselling (a work perk) and she told me to grieve for a year, like I would for a bereavement, so I could get past all the notable dates, and to allow myself to be sad, to cry, to be angry, to look at photos/letters/memories, and to be a bit honest with my kids - ie explain that sometimes relationships don't last and if you've been married 20+ years then it's unusual to both grow in the same direction and not a surprise to be different at 50 from when you were 30.

I took her advice, and I went back to my low dose antidepressant to steady my mood. And lo and behold I recovered!
2.5yrs after separating, I had made a large group of new friends (we were previously only acquaintances), said yes to all offers of trips/events, and acquired a younger boyfriend through Tinder. I'm now so much happier than I was in the last 5 yrs of my marriage, my ex is happy, we celebrate family things together, and my adult kids are happy.

Give it time, and it will get better, I promise

Op you've done something really difficult. I'm reading this thread because I'm still stuck in the awful relationship phase - I haven't had the courage to leave yet. 20+ years here also. Dc in the equation.

I have felt lonely for a while now (this has been going on years) and I wanted to let you know that I feel the same way even though I am still officially within the confines of a relationship.

I totally understand what you are saying about happily married couples - it feels like they are everywhere and it adds to my sense of bitterness because that's what I want and also the human contact.

There are some positive replies to your message and I am watching your thread with interest. It seems like you've done the hardest part already. Yes, it is a type of grief. I feel like I've been grieving for a while now. I hope things improve for you.

Divorced is very hard. However, you did it because you wanted better. The transition period is very difficult. You needed a plan but it is not late. Do the things you were missing being married. Do you like travelling?

@SoManyNotebooks thanks, I'm glad to hear that things do get better. Yes, I am definitely overall in a better position than I was in the marriage, and have more space now to focus on myself and the dc. A gratitude journal is a great idea!

You need to give yourself more time to adjust to your situation. It's so so tough to go from a long marriage to being single but do it in small steps and be kind to yourself. Im 18 months down the line after 18 years of marriage and just completing the divorce. I' haven't got any tips on how to deal with it except a roller coaster of emotions and a long journey. It does get better so hold on .

@GymPanda that's good advice to grieve for a year. I definitely feel like this is a grieving process, and I'm noticing milestones eg the dc's birthday, Easter, sports day etc are all especially hard. It's like you have to get used to a new dynamic with everyone, and a new way of doing things.

I'm definitely getting all those feelings you mention - being sad, angry etc. I've stayed in the family house and there are a lot of memories here which I don't think helps - photos of Exdh and I over the years, furniture etc that we chose together. Maybe I need to do a bit of redecorating and have a bit of a fresh start!

I'm glad to hear things are much better for you now, and you're much happier, that all sounds so positive!

I'm sure as you say, in time things will be better.

I found the first year I was just on adrenaline making sure the kids were ok (much younger than yours) and sorting out finances and divorce etc that it was only 12/18 months later that the loneliness really hit me (I didn't instigate the split). I have good days and bad days but the children barely see their dad so I have little time on my own other than the hour or so once they've gone to bed before I go to bed. But the house is so quiet once they are asleep and no one to watch a box set with or talk to about anything remotely grown up.
I don't have the magic answer OP - I'm sure things will get worse before they get better so I'm sure it's just a question of time and eventually having hobbies or social life outside of the children and work. I don't think I'll ever feel not lonely though

@paranormalvera sorry to hear you're in the awful relationship phase - it's so hard.

I know what you mean about feeling lonely while you're still in a relationship. The irony is I felt so lonely in my marriage, and now I'm still feeling lonely while I'm separated! It feels a different type of loneliness now in a way, more stark somehow, whereas my loneliness in the marriage also had many other feelings alongside it like the huge stress of just being in the relationship.

But whatever I'm feeling now, I definitely feel that it's better than when I was in my marriage. However bad I'm feeling, there's a part of me that recognises that this is a process I just need to get through, and as others have said, in time things will get better. If I'd stayed in my marriage things wouldn't have got better!

@Gondoliere Yes that's a good idea to do the things i missed doing whilst being married. I do like travelling. Finances are a bit tight but maybe I could book a weekend trip away or something, I feel I need something to look forward to!

@Xccccc yes I totally agree it is a rollercoaster of emotions! It sounds like it does get better for most people in time, which gives me hope!

@notmyrodeo I feel like the house can be very quiet too when my dc aren't here. And even when they are, sometimes I just really want to chat to another adult, or as you say have someone to watch a box set with. It's just not the same always watching TV on my own!

Yes, I'm sure it's case of giving it time. Maybe once we have fully grieved, the loneliness won't feel so intense.

I'm just over a year and the loneliness is definitely turning into freedom and liberation.A little bit of excitement for the future is starting to creep in too. Keep going 💪 x

@Bluebreeze
I'm also in the family home (now in my name only and mortgage paid so I have total security, which makes a huge difference) and I decorated a little bit after 6 months apart, but then totally redesigned my bedroom a year later and changed all the pictures on the walls, and realised I had always given in to his wants and ideas about our decor. Now my house looks like MINE (cushions everywhere, and a hot pink utility room 🤣) and I have even put out a couple of wedding pics in my home office because I love seeing how young and gorgeous I was and how happy we were. I can't regret it because it made me who I am today, and our children are really wonderful people and the thing I am most proud of in the world.
But it's easy to say you know you're doing the right thing when your heart feels like it's splintering through your body. Look after yourself, do things that feel 'naughty' (maybe things he would've disapproved of), tell your friends youre feeling a bit lost and need distractions, and talk to your kids and make sure they understand you feel sad about it all but that you're there for them and they shouldn't feel they can't talk to you about it (especially if your ex gets a new woman - my kids thought it was a huge secret and that I'd cry if I knew - it wasn't and I didn't!)