Do I call time on my 18 year relationship

[Mumneedsacoffee]

I've been with my partner 18 years and we have two daughters, he was always the love of my life and I always felt I was the one initating everything : house,children etc. We have been through some hard times, most recently losing my dad to cancer. Since this happened he says I am not the same person and he often says I'm 'serious' however, I would say I see how short life is and want to live it to the fullest. I have mentioned marriage since the early days of our relationship, but this is something he wasn't fussed about, and as we got older he said we can't afford it. Now that I have some inheritance he's avoiding the marriage talk and making any excuse not to look (im tired, tomorrow, i want to watch a film). Last night it broke me when i mentioned it and he dismissed my feelings. I just cannot see a way forward, I don't want to be with someone who doesn't feel the same, particularly now i see how short life is, I feel like the last 18 years gave been great but we are two different people, I have asked for so much over the years and feel like I shouldn't have to convince him of my worth, it has impacted my self-confidence. If I never brought it up, he would never talk about it. I feel myself angry every day that goes by that he pretends I never mentioned anything. Any advice would be gratefully appreciated.

Lucky you haven't married him or he would be entitled to claim a share of your inheritance. As it is, you get to keep it all to yourself.
It sounds as if you've come to the end of the road, so it's probably best to call it quits. It doesn't sound as if he will become more understanding or kinder to you.

I know it sounds cold and calculating but with your inheritance, you can now set up home by yourself. Life is too short to be in an unfulfilling relationship. You're not even married. OP, Imagine the freedom to do what you want.
Just one conversation - it's over. Let the rest flow.
Or, just imagine the rest of your life living as you are now.

Sounds like you are the one who's made everything happen in your relationship and he's just coasted along not being an active participant.

I'd find someone like that really draining, not to mention the impact on your.self esteem of being with someone who doesn't seem especially engaged in your relationship.

A bereavement can make you sit up and question everything you've been doing. Take some time to think about things and how you'd like the next 18 years to look. And if that means ending things, so be it.

This.
I was with someone 25 year who never committed and coasted along whilst i did all hard work. OP is fortunate to have an inheritance sadly as result of dad passing, but its a massive opportunity for OP. Slot of women dont have opportunity or finances to get out. OP...hes a user and takes you for granted. Get out now, dont wait as long as it's did, he wasted my young years.

I personally would never get married again, and he has the right to not not ever get married. What you need to look at is, do you want to be with him enough to stay?

He’s coasted by the sound of it.
I think your relationship has run its course.
Imagine how at ease you might feel without all this angst going on in your head.

Make a plan, look at the practicalities, and if it’s positive enough, use your inheritance to get out whilst you’re young enough.

Don’t waste your life in dullsville!

@Mumneedsacoffee

After 18 years, he's not going to change OP. He's not even a real partner because you're the one who's driven getting the house, having children, sorting house admin etc with little/no considered input from him. He's not putting you first at all. - in fact he's dismissing you.

I'm so sorry about your father's death but look, he's given you a gift of choice, hasn't he? Choice to make a better, more positive life with your daughters, without having to struggle financially a great deal about providing for yourself and your children if (as it sounds you should) you split and go your own ways.

What you want isn't what he wants - he's shown you this. Time to make some wise choices for your future and get your ducks in a row.

BTW having your inheritance doesn't mean he shouldn't be financially responsible for your shared children. So do consider getting child maintenance for them - via CMS if necessary - depending on their ages/educational needs. 🌹

Use the money to start again op

He doesn’t want to marry you. That’s the truth of the matter. What you do with that information is up to you. If marriage is important to you then you will need to finish this relationship and move on.

Time to start a new chapter. Without him.

He's never wanted to marry you either and has trotted out the usual poor excuses for not doing so. He has coasted throughout this relationship and has ridden on your coattails. He's a plodder, not a doer.

What do you want to teach your daughters about relationships and what are they learning here?.

Would you want them to be in a relationship like you've described?. No and you would want better for them. Insist on better for you too.

Indeed I would urge you to make a new start for you and your daughters without him.

I didn't mind if I married, my husband absolutely wanted to marry, and he had to wait until I was ready (years and years) . I didn't understand why it was so important to him and I would have happily continued as a 'partner'. He was the driver behind getting married and I married him because I knew how important it was to him. Only now that we are married do I understand his perspective, and marriage and I wouldn't have it any other way. The wedding (enormous traditional and overwhelming wedding nightmare) gave immense joy to his nieces and nephews (bridesmaids, flower girls ushers) and multi generational family. In their eyes we became 'partners'. I don't know how to explain it - but I couldn't see the significance of marriage to him/others. Carefully consider and look at what you have, and I so sorry for your loss (you're grieving give yourself time). Being married is more than just being married. There are so many dynamics too, belief, culture, the effect on other children/extended family. Sending hugs. Xx

The problem is that by now even if he agreed to marry you, you will always feel like you pressured him in to it and he just eventually gave in. That's not good enough is it? You want different things and you are feeling short changed by your relationship. If you can't live like that, take the opportunity to move on.

Thank you all for your advice. Lots of food for thought. He's agreed to look and thinks I'm being over the top.He says he will get married ,but it's me doing all the looking and discussion with no progress 🙄 it makes me feel like I have to nag and that's not right.

Don’t marry him. Keep your inheritance.

He doesn’t want to marry you OP. If he has any impetus now it will be financially driven and entirely self interested.

I think moving on with your life without him is the only positive choice.

We both have well paid jobs and started off with nothing, we've worked incredibly hard without any support, he has encouraged me to do what I want with my Inheritance so I know he's not that way inclined, we've been together since we were 18 and he is a good man, I think I just have to accept marriage is not for him and if it bothers me so much reevaluate

Tbh OP it doesn't sound like he is in any way committed to a relationship with you.

He ĥas everything handed to him on a plate - kid's, holidays, houses and more, and I think it's irrelevant that it's you, he'd be fine with anyone who would do all that. You just happen to be the one who is.

And leaving you, or being responsible for himself, or even trying to find a replacement you, is an effort he cba with so you get to keep the job. Lucky you - or not.

Please don't marry him. Let your dad give you one last wonderful gift, the chance to be happy and free without a ball and chain round your ankle.

My worry is that you are forcing him to do something that he doesn't want to do - but why?

I have zero understanding why he wouldn't marry you if you live together and have raised children together, but if your inheritance is the carrot you are dangling then you are a fool.

Just carry on ad you are or leave. Marrying now would be strange in my opinion.