Brothers versus sisters

[Tractorqueen678]

Can I just check with everyone whether my experience is similar to others or not please?

I have two older sisters, one younger sister, and a brother.

My sisters and I are very close. We see each other regularly. We talk every few days or daily sometimes on the phone. We support one another, laugh with one another, are immediately there for one another in a crisis.

We are all very different people with busy, independent lives, we all have dhs and dc, and we have occasional spats but nothing that lasts and fundamentally we enjoy one another’s company.

Most of all though, we know about, and are interested in each other’s lives and know (almost) everything about each other’s children and have great relationships with our nephews and nieces, through all of the life stages; baptisms, birthdays, exams etc. We remember important dates etc and rely on each other for emotional support.

With my brother things are a little different. He does make the effort to visit which we appreciate and we do correspond occasionally by e-mail but not on the phone. He does not seem particularly interested in our dc but asks us to admire and support his, which of course we do.

I was quite close to him growing up and we were good friends. He can be quite a dominant personality with a lot of confidence (outwardly anyway) so not always easy to get on with but it’s the lack of emotional connection with him that is the most disappointing I suppose.

This makes me wonder whether this is just “a man thing” and pretty standard for brothers - and it is unrealistic to expect anything more - or is this more about individual personalities?

I’m conscious that I take my cue from him in our relationship so maybe I am at fault too? At the same time my sisters feel similarly so it can’t just be me I think?

No, this is just your family dynamics.

I have two brothers. They dote on my DC and take lots of interest in them. I haven’t spoken to my sister in years. 🤷‍♀️

In my experience yes. Brother isn't interested in our family. He's very selfish too. I wish I had a sister instead.

Thank you for the interesting responses so far!

Hard to tell, honestly. Men can be a bit less aware of what's going on around them, I think. Perhaps he's a bit overwhelmed by his sisters or he's just a bit thoughtless. My DP certainly needs/enjoys less communication with family and friends than I do. My brother is just thoughtless-hasn't been to see our mum in her care home for the last 5 yrs kind of thoughtless, especially when it's 5 minutes drive away from him. Sometimes I think men think different things are important.

Yes this is exactly the sort of thing I mean!

Can five years of not going to see your mother be really classed as “thoughtlessness”?

Fwiw I think he does feel like the odd one out but we all love him, and have supported him and his partner and dc. It is virtually all one way though.

depends on the individual, impossible to generalise. My brother is one of my best friends. I have nothing in common with my sisters, and almost no contact

Thank you Canonballz , HeddaGarbled and Shrinkingeveryday it’s good to hear about different family dynamics.

My brothers were amazing when my parents got ill especially my older brother. They are also very good at making sure we see each other (usually every 4-6) weeks now that my parents aren’t around. We are not super close though in the way that some friends are with their sisters. I know they’d always be there if I needed them though.

My brother and I are really close, much closer than my wife and her sister.

my kids (brother and sister) are really close too

Actually the lack of mother visiting makes me very pissed off but brother has a wife who needs support so I have never tackled him with it. He's still at work, I'm retired. Apparently he wants to remember mum as she was. Older sister, who visits maybe once a month or so (distance/holidays a lot) says she sympathises with him. Hmm.

I think birth order is likely to be just as important as sex in sibling dynamics. My only brother is over a decade younger than I am, so was still a young child when I left home at eighteen, for instance. I then lived overseas for decades so we don’t really know one another.

Everyone I know with a sister close in age seems to consider them a close friend. I know that doesn't apply to every family but I do think that's the norm in healthy, non dysfunctional families.

I agree that men are often different. Ive seen from MN that a lot of them don't bother with birthday cards and that kind of thing. I don't especially like my DB as he bullied me as a child so I don't make much effort with him and he doesn't with me. Sometimes his wife sends me things and if i'm honest I wish she wouldn't try to guilt me into making more effort, while DB can sit back and let his wife handle his side of the communication.

My sisters are two years and three years younger and we’re not close. Nothing dysfunctional, we’re just very different people who e chosen very different kinds of life.

Very close with my sisters..lots of chat, get together. My brothers don't bother much with chat ..their personalities.. but are hugely supportive when needed. We all get together a few times a year but have individual contact more regularly. One of my brothers and l decided we would both accept we didn't have regular contact as he is busy with a young family but we are totally there for each other and straight away take up where we left off.
All my family were very hands on caring for my elderly parents before they passed so no issues between us around any of that. We all have dc of various ages so it's busy lives all round. But they have my back and that means a huge amount.

I only have brothers and while we like eachother and get on we rarely message eachother, just catch up when we visit. They do always remember DCs birthdays and Christmas though. I actually speak to my SIL (brothers wives) more than my brothers.
Same with DH, he rarely speaks to his sister but I message her quite a lot.
My

I have a brother and a sister ,i think for both myself and my sister he is our favourite !
I can rely on him and trust him100% especially with supporting our aging mother , i thank my lucky stars as i know he is and will be a much 'better' carer than i will ever be.
He is the best uncle to his nieces and nephews and like a brother to my husband and my bro in law.
I love my sister too , both would help me no matter what and they know i would do the same .
It's nothing to do with sex it's the dynamics and who they are .

My brother isn't interested in me in the slightest.

We got on pretty well as kids while we lived in the same house. Had shared friends etc but he never cared from then on.

He has kids the same age as mine but doesn't engage with mine at all.

Maybe brothers together are closer but I don't really know any female who has a relationship with a brother the same as the one I see between sisters.

That’s very true of course; hadn’t thought about it in those terms before.

Maybe brothers together are closer but I don't really know any female who has a relationship with a brother the same as the one I see between sisters.

Yes that has been the most common situation described by my friends about their sibling relationships.

It’s lovely to hear about the close sister-brother relationships on here.

Thank you to everyone for all of the responses. I find sibling relationships, and how they can vary, absolutely fascinating.

Men generally aren’t socialised to maintain family relationships.

how many women when they get married take over all the buying cards and gifts for their dh’s family? Arrange kids seeing grandparents?

men opt out because they can. Same as “not seeing dirt”. They do, but if they don’t do it it gets done, so it doesn’t register that they should do it.

sons are often raised with less emotional dependency than girls. Mums go shopping, pamper session, lunches with daughters. Do they do the same with sons? No they usually are dispatched to football with dad, bonding yes, but not the talking about each others lives, relationships and feelings that girls do.

How often do you visit him?
Is it as often as he visits you?
Who usually emails first?

Oh and fwiw dh visits his family, including his sister very regularly.

his sister, otoh has been to our house twice in our 25 year marriage, and has not visited our new house at all, despite us being here 10 years now.

Very true. I think this is all changing now as women have become just as ecomically active as men and don’t have time for Christmas cards and extensive social diaries etc. Sadly I think family bonds are loosening as a result as no one has the time any more.

However, that is a good point about socialisation. Much less was required of my db all round growing up! Fewer chores, fewer obligatory family visits. He had far greater freedom too.