Always saying I didn’t mean that or denying it and never apologising!

[Throwcaution]

I’ve a very close family member who constantly hurts my feelings. Every time it’s brought up they reply I never meant it like that or I never said that (when they did) or I’ve taken it the wrong way. They never say sorry, or I’m sorry you feel like this. It’s starting to get to me. I think they are either just not that bothered or it’s on purpose.

Is this time to just not visit them?

I think so. Especially if you've told them how you feel and they refuse to acknowledge it. I have some very critical family. I work, I have savings, I'm travelled...but to them I still warrant criticism. It becomes soul destroying at worse and tiring have to visit them with a shield up at best.

Agree. That's a really unpleasant trait. If you don't get your feelings hurt a lot by others, and this is specific to them, then it's something they do, and they are clearly not interested in addressing it.

Your other option is to get even more direct in your feedback. "I find you are frequently saying cruel or critical things that hurt my feelings. I do t experience this with anybody else, and when I've expressed this, you dismiss it. Are you open to listening, caring about this, and trying to change this? If not. IIt's making me want to have less contact with you."

What kind of things do they say OP, out of curiosity?

I’ve had it previously in life but always people you can just turn your back on, i.e a jealous friend at uni. I am very high functioning adhd. I do jump at noises tho, this person will purposely bang and laugh at me, it’s pissing me off…amongst many other comments that are just condescending, I’m not an idiot. I’ve got a degree and a masters and my own home I’ve almost paid off and I’m 40, despite my challenges (as we all have).

Is this a husband? Or a mum? It sounds like a husband or a mum.

It’s not a partner. It doesn’t really matter. I’m just sick of having to explain myself to this person. Either take the time and energy to learn about me and talk to me or I’m starting to feel like not bothering. I do the same for others to understand them and build the relationship. I feel like a joke to them when I’m a person who has feelings also.

The narcissist’s prayer

That didn't happen.
And if it did, it wasn't that bad.
And if it was, that's not a big deal.
And if it is, that's not my fault.
And if it was, I didn't mean it.
And if I did, you deserved it.

@Candleabra I always thought if you do something that the other person is hurt by you’d feel bad regardless of whether it was meant that way. That’s what it’s like for me, I feel awful. They just carry on with life laughing and that as if it never happened and I’m left like what is this really happening or is it me.

Yes, stop the visits. Let them make the effort to visit you. As soon as someone starts being critical of me or bringing up hurtful things from the past that they think is 'banter' but hurtful to me, I just bring their visit to a close. 'I'm going to start dinner now' or 'we're off out to meet X in a few minutes' or ' you'd best be off now as I've things to do'

@Throwcaution you can’t win with people like this. They will never feel bad because they don’t hold the same values as you and they’re not nice. The best thing to do is ignore and /or cut contact.

It's intentional @Throwcaution . It's better not to let them know it bothers you, they enjoy your hurt/distress/whatever your reaction. Your unhappy reaction is what they want. Grey rock or better still don't see them, you need to protect yourself.

Seems like time to go low or no contact.

Too late for them to be a Tory candidate though, they would be ideal.

@TwoThousandAcresofBlueSkyThinking but why make someone else feel sad, that’s a little sick. I can understand that they might not see it as hurtful, most people don’t want to make another person feel sad do they. I struggle so much to read people. I’m quite emotional with my adhd I hate others feeling sad.

@Throwcaution they generally do it because they feel insecure. Making someone else feels bad makes them feel better about themselves for some reason. It doesn't make sense to most of us but these people are wired differently. They do know their behaviour is hurtful to us, it's intentional, they enjoy our pain.

It is very fucked up, it's not you, it's them. As @Candleabra said you can't win with them, you can only do whatever's necessary to protect yourself

This in a nutshell.

@TwoThousandAcresofBlueSkyThinking ita definitely confusing. They have been told a couple of days ago about behaviour from a few weeks ago and that I felt disrespected. They are chatting away and commenting on my social media sounding lovely and nice. Totally avoided what happened, no apologies just carrying on. I usually forget it thinking it’s me l, we meet In person and it’s all starting again. It’s very confusing.

That’s what they do. They let some time pass and act like it erased their behaviour.

@OriginalUsername2 I’ve had enough this time, it’s becoming a bit too obvious. Will just stop interacting now.

That's good to hear.

They sound lovely and nice on your SM posts so other people think they are lovely and nice. Then if you share how they behave and make you feel with other people those other people will find it hard to believe "because X is so lovely and nice". The whole thing is a finely tuned headfuck for their chosen ones.

Some people say just move on and forget about them but IME it takes understanding what they've put you through in order to move on and heal. I hope you'll be okay @Throwcaution .

@TwoThousandAcresofBlueSkyThinking they haven’t been in my life for a huge amount of time, a few years. My mum is a little similar but she has Autism so she really means the best and is not nasty. She gets upset if you tell her she has been unkind.

I gave them the benefit of the doubt because I often do get situations wrong, well I think I do. I’m never too sure because I have to judge whether it’s my ADHD brain being a little sensitive. These leave me in total confusion, I don’t know whether I’m coming or going and in their presence I turn mute. So I’m sure they a no.

OP, if this person purposefully bangs , knowing you find loud noises hard, then laughs, that is disgusting and intentional behaviour. It's pure bullying.

I think another poster explained it. It is fuelled by meanness, which often has self hatred at the core. (If I can make this person feel pathetic and laugh at them, that must mean I have some kind of power, and I am not pathetic'). A twisted logic, but there you go. They then pretend to themselves and others that it's not bad/ just a joke, because they couldn't bare to admit they are behaving badly..... because that would confirm their worst fear in their heads - that they are bad/unloveable etc.

I would cut the person out of your life if at all possible.

@financialcareerstuff It’s not entirely possible to cut them out completely but I think I know now to not bother putting any energy into forming a relationship with them. I’ll say hello and that’s about it. People are strange!