Dd 15 heartbroken after breakup with bestie

[inolikeit]

My dd Yr 10 struggles with maintaining any friendship at school. At home she is very argumentative, always has been since day one, but we have wrathered the storm and get on well now. Other adults get on fine with her. She has started many friendships which just fizzle out after an intense few week. For Yr 10 she has become attached to another girl who has a wide circle of friends, and my Dd has no friends outside this group. This week she has been ostracised, and is totally distraught. Naturally im only getting half the story. She wouldn't go in for first two periods on the first day as she couldn't face it, managed day two, and then wouldn't go to school day 3, Friday. Luckily I work from home, so I've been able to try to comfort her, but i don't have a magic wand. The Yr 10 mocks start on Monday. I've told her not to worry. She's feeling like the worst person in the world and that she will never have a friend again because she is so "terrible". She asked if I could arrange for her to see a counsellor. In the meantime I helped her call the Samaritans. I've had a look for a other suitable threads here, in Teenagers as well, so forgive me if I'm going over old ground.

Your poor daughter - I feel your pain! Our yr10 girl is exactly the same. Struggles to find her tribe, so to speak. I see all the other girls with solid groups and my heart breaks constantly for her.
If ever she does manage to make plans, they get cancelled which causes more hurt.
So I can't really offer any advice apart from be there for her. It's super tough to watch though! She has councilling through school x

I would explain to her that the friends won’t be there in the world of work and how important the exams are for her future. Speak to the school and see if they can accommodate a safe space for her for where she can have her lunch and relax during break times. Yes unfortunately girls can be pretty cruel and one wrong word can cause havoc. I used to read in the library by myself and things got better when I taught myself to like my own company. Keep things fun and warm at home, let her watch comedies and try and take her mind off it. Do you have any pets? My mum bought me a pet and it seemed to help with company.

Hi OP – I really feel for you. It's very painful when our children struggle socially.

Your DD sounds very like our younger DD who's now a bit older and who was diagnosed as autistic nearly a year ago. Younger DD is great company 1 on 1, gets on very well with adults and had no problem making friends but really struggled to keep them because she struggles with social signals and finer elements of communication etc; in particular, she can't deadpan and when she tried to make humorous comments in a deadpan manner, she would end up offending people. She was pretty brutally ejected from a large social group when in year 9 and, as part of that, lost a couple of closer friendships (in fact, her closest friend in that group became one of the most hostile).

But a few things which may help: after the initial anguish, DD actually found she was much more relaxed when she wasn't trying to negotiate large group dynamics. She got more comfortable in her own skin. She threw herself into her work and also some school groups (especially singing-related). She was able to nurture a few lower-key friendships in a relaxed way so that it didn't become too all or nothing. She began to understand herself better also and what worked for her and what didn't. Things have become easier for her socially now she's a bit older but they will always be a bit complex and we have learnt to accept that and be supportive around it.

Honestly, I had one very good year socially at secondary school but it was mostly somewhat complicated and I know so many people who had the same experience. It feels awful now but, as a PP said, work is generally much less complicated socially. Indeed, even 6th form should be easier socially as hormones will largely have settled down.

Thanks, Clementine, Scousefab & Dery. C & D I'm sorry to hear your Dds went through this too. Im glad the librarywas a refuge for you S. Unfortunately our cat has cancer and we will be losing her soon, which will be another blow, but is a normal sad experience at least rather than one created by spite. I was lucky to have a fantastic circle of friends at school from first term right through, no drmas, and we are still in touch, so I feel so sorry for my Dd. She did spend a few hours yesterday with one of the group and she was so happy, although the tears came again at bedtime. I'm going to remain relaxed about the exams though S. We've both got postgrads, but as we are older parents, we are skeptical about the modern university experience where they have to hold down a job as well, so we aren't stressing about high grades. If she just gets 5s or fails some in the end that's fine, anything better than that is a bonus. I was far too stressed doing my O levels, and was a nightmare to be around. Very lucky that my friends tolerated me. Take care all

Having experienced something similar with my DS recently Mt advice would be to recognise her anxiety but not focus entirely on the situation.

It's perfectly normal unfortunately for teenagers to go through these awful friendship situations but it's all part of growing up and she will find her tribe at some point further down the line.

It's lovely that she feels able to talk to you as that's half the battle.

The teenage years are tough for them and us as parents. Its an absolute minefield but sounds like you're doing a brilliant job OP.

All you can do is be supportive and listen. I would flag it to the school though so they can keep an eye on her.
You might want to ask her if there has been anything said on WhatsApp or social media, my niece had a similar experience and they set up a WhatsApp group which they added her to just to talk about how horrible / ugly / unwelcome she was 😔

I do think girls can be spiteful in that way.

Other than that just show her lots of love and support at home. Hope things get better soon.