Hello everyone,
I'm 27, my “husband” is 29. We've been together for 6 years, soon to be 7. We got engaged, then married, then divorced, and 2-3 months after our divorce we got back together and decided to get married again this summer.
Before our divorce we had a very toxic relationship, which led to several break-ups. This ranged from rpe during the years we dated, to insults, lies, physical fights, etc. I decided to divorce him because of the relationship he had with his mother, who harassed me, insulted me, threatened to kll me during the year we were married, and who interfered enormously with our relationship. It was the last drop that made the cup run over.
I don't claim to have been perfect all this time, I think our main problem was that despite loving each other, we couldn't understand each other, or express ourselves properly, until an argument broke out and escalated and we did a lot of damage to each other. For example, the first month of our marriage I found out I was pregnant and I wasn't ready for it, I had a lot of trouble to accept it and I could never be listened to or understood by my husband, for him: what kind of woman am I if I'm not happy about being pregnant? no matter how hard I tried to find the right phrases, the right words. He was with me at every medical appointment, every test, but what I needed most during those six months was for him to listen to me, to understand my fears, to validate them, and to reassure me...
After we got divorced, we separated for 2 months and I started therapy. My therapist explained to me that I have rejection trauma... I was able to understand my share of mistakes, we got back together and spent hours and hours discussing them, then we promised each other to communicate better, to try to trust each other, etc.
Everything went well for the first 3 months, we were happy together, he put a lot of distance between himself and his family, he respected my body, we were much calmer, everything was fine, but he started putting a lot of pressure on me for the wedding. One day I searched his phone and saw that he was talking to another woman, I don't think they slept together, but their conversations were quite explicit + he lied to me about some nights out with his friends. Despite that, after many discussions about trust, honesty and communication all over again, we got back together , and the following months were wonderful. We both made efforts to make it work, and I could see that he has changed.
Until... I got pregnant again! We had already discussed this topic many times : I clearly told him that I wasn't ready yet. He knew I wasn't using contraception and that my body wasn't ready yet. I just gave birth last year, had medical complications in the second trimester, and our baby died, and I almost died too. The idea of getting pregnant terrified me, but in the month leading up to the pregnancy, he kept pushing and insisting on removing the condom at the beginning, telling me that I was worried for nothing and that he had control. The times when I refused, he resented me a lot.
I don't know if I have the right to feel what I felt when I found out about this pregnancy.. But I felt v*olated once again. I felt like my body had been used against my will, again. I don't know if I'm playing the victim here, I'm confused. I know for sure that I refused every contact without a protection, and I know he was the one who kept pressuring me.
I decided not to keep it, even though he really wanted to. We talked about it, and I explained that we are young and the best is yet to come, that we have our whole lives to have children, we should stick to our plans without blaming each others. I know it was my choice, but this experience traumatized me and deeply depressed me. Since then, I feel like I'm stuck in time, like I can't do anything, my brain is blocked. And I felt that it affected him a lot too, that he felt like he was losing a second baby, that he was reliving the same loss, and I know he resented me a lot.
The night before our medical appointment, he didn't come home until 4 AM. I was bleeding a lot, and I texted him that I needed him ASAP; that I wasn't doing well, but he didn't respond all night. I was angry when he finally came home. he told me I was being dramatic, then he went to sleep. The following days were the same; he would come home late and avoid any conversation with me. This situation made me feel deeply unwell. I just wanted to talk, by the 3rd I day I went to him crying, begged him to listen. I told him I was feeling very anxious and was having dark thoughts. He took out his phone and filmed me while I was having this breakdown, he said I was sick, then slammed the door and left. When I asked if he wanted to break up or didn't love me anymore, he said no, that he just thought this relationship was hurting him a lot.
This went on for a week. I did my best to keep him from seeing me in that state, to be more cheerful. This week, he had to go through some interviews, so I helped him with his recommendation letter, made his CV, etc. I encouraged him a lot, and he got the job. But yesterday, I discovered that he had lied to me about his salary and other things. It made me mad, I demanded an explanation. He insulted me, saying I was always snooping, so it was normal if I found things. He's just a man, why am I being overly dramatic over everything ? I took his stuff and kicked him out. He kept sending me messages saying he was an idiot, that he was sorry, that he doesn,t know why he lied, that he loved me more than anything, that he wanted us to get married, etc.
As I was writing this message, wondering if I did something wrong, if I should just give him time. Is this anormal behaviour after losing a baby? He came to my place drunk. I helped him take a shower, ordered him food, held him, and put him to sleep. I told him we would discuss everything tomorrow. But I had this feeling in my guts that he was hiding more things and that, as always, he wouldn't be honest. And then I saw... while I was writhing in pain, he was with this "client." She had made advances towards him and was "emotionally supporting" him through this ordeal. The irony goes even further—she is a doctor at the clinic where I had the operation. When I was under anesthesia, he was with her. And before coming to my place, he had talked to her all day and told his friend he was going f*ck her.
I'm sorry for this post that might not make any sense. I feel so enraged that my stomach literally hurts. I don't even know what to feel anymore. I don't know. I kicked him out to avoid doing something crazy, but I feel like my head is going to explode. He had the nerve to tell me that it was because I didn't listen to him enough. WTF??? I was there every night trying to talk, console and reassure him. The amount of audacity he has continues to amaze me. I don't know why I keep hoping for apologies everytime, waiting for something, as if he will understand all the harm he's causing me. I feel so, so betrayed. I don't know how to handle this amount of hurt anymore.