I feel like I’m being overly punished

[Beccibops]

I'm (30F) and been dating partner (30M) for 7 months. Over the past two weeks I've had various issues with adjusting to a new anxiety medication which has caused me to be more emotional over this time. I'm usually very regulated and happy and he's known me years to realise this. We don't live together but was in discussions over the past few months that I'll stay for a bit and see how things go. He was even measuring up some of my furniture to make sure it would fit and make me feel at home. I fear that the past few weeks that my low mood and this deregulated period of time has now ruined things which seems so
disproportionate. During this time I brought up a worry of mine regarding an existing phobia that put some doubt about me staying in his home.
Ultimately I was seeking reassurance and it wasn't me looking for a way out or anything plus the concern wasn't directly about him, more like a separate building related issue (I’m afraid of asbestos and the place he lives in very 1960s). Either way he was understandably thrown and he began questioning if it was him I was interested in or just moving in which made no sense. I'd provided no doubt towards him ever before and thought I had shown how much I liked him, with actions, reassurance etc. This created a very negative and emotional response in me to which I had a bit of an emotional anxiety attack where I described how I felt confused and blindsided as he was acting so different towards me. We had very long conversations over the phone that went round in circles. During these calls he got very stern and would firmly say he wanted to get off the phone as he was tired and couldn't talk anymore. I read this as rejection and regrettably ignored his needs and pushed for more closure in the conversations. It just created more conflict and I fear this blip with my medication over the space of 2 weeks has completely ruined my character in his eyes. I'm mature enough to realise that I've had valid reasons that l've taken full responsibility for and apologised etc but I don't know if he's using this as an excuse now for distancing as he probably just doesn't like me anymore. He also told his mother about things I had said which was part of a minor meltdown reaction. I wish he had given me the opportunity to hear him out about what I had said so we could have talked things through and I could have apologised before he spoke to others. I feel like he didn't give things much time before going to others and potentially discrediting my actual character. Can anyone offer any insight or advice here?

as an added bit of information I managed to get a new job on Tuesday after being made redundant in March. I’ll be earning a nice wage and this will be helpful. My partner lives in the home that his parents own but they don’t live in it. My partner has a self employed role and has made me aware he is insecure that he only earns £10’000 a year. I’m not bothered by money but I’m wondering if me getting this role on Tuesday coincided with him getting angry with my on the phone and telling his mother things that I’d said (which has now resulted in her deciding I can’t stay there)

I’m sorry that you’ve been having such a difficult time. Honestly, this sounds like a difficult situation and I’d have great concerns about the involvement of his mother. Often these parents who are overly involved in the lives of their kids are very controlling and that will extend to you particularly if you begin to spend a lot of time there.

it sounds as if your partner has felt frustrated and confused by the difficulties you’ve had whilst you sorted out your medication. I get that it might have been frustrating but it doesn’t bode well for the future. It conveys a lack of understanding and empathy.

I would also be bothered by his lack of income. You may not care at this point but you might in the future. If you have a sense that he might resent your success that’s going to be worse too going forward.

I would be tempted to cut my losses or at the very least have a v serious conversation with him about what’s has happened now that you’re feeling better. I think his frustration with you, his apparent inability to live independently from his parents and his very controlling mother would be red flags for me.

Um. There’s a lot to unpick there.

Firstly, it’s the DM’s house. She’s allowed to say who lives there, whether you think it’s fair or not.

Secondly, your BF is allowed to talk to his DM about his concerns. It’s not on to suggest he shouldn’t.

Thirdly, congratulations on your new job. Sounds like you’ve been through a stressful time, and hopefully this will give you some financial stability.

Fourthly, his finances sound precarious. Be wary of typing your life to someone who doesn’t have financial security.

Finally, I suspect you’re downplaying how emotionally disregulated you’ve been. You mention “minor meltdowns” and not allowing your BF to end calls when he asked to very reasonably, for example. After 7 months, I can see why he might have doubts.

In your place, I’d maintain the status quo. Give him time to see you’re balanced. But also give yourself time to understand whether this set up is right for you.

Thank you ChaChaChaChanges I really appreciate you taking the time to reply and offer really helpful insights.

im incredibly respectful of his mothers decision’ I’m just sad how it’s come about as basically I have a phobia of asbestos’ the flat in question has done asbestos tiles and I asked my partner a question about the tiles. This then blew up as an accusation that I was deciding I didn’t want to live there anymore’ and because I was adjusting to medication I got very tearful and anxious about this misunderstanding. That’s basically what happened. I said that I felt very confused by his responses and that it wasn’t necessary to get so angry and that this was triggering for me. I never once compared him to my ex partner although he said I did. I guess to me that felt like gaslighting as it would be easy for him to say maybe you didn’t know what you were saying etc’ but I do have a conscience and stand by never saying anything that wasn’t valid and in context to what was happening. It was just obviously said in a very tearful way.

Thank you Picoloangel for you understanding and making me reflect on this situation. You’ve provided some really helpful insights that are really important especially moving forward with him. I’m not sure what I’ll do but I know I don’t want to risk being seen as a nuisance so I’m just keeping out of his way. That feels really sad to say as he is my partner and I’d like to have a partner that is supportive.

He didn’t even congratulate me on the job offer and the retraction of the living arrangement offer happened the same day. It was a lot to take in especially as I’m currently in the process of selling the flat me and my abusive ex partner brought together and I’ll potentially be homeless’ that’s kinda why it’s even more upsetting to have a lifeline taken away from me on the same day that I was making huge steps to get back on my feet etc

Can you get into an air bnb for a few weeks while you find a rental?

Don’t downplay or negate your emotional responses. Your emotions are trying to tell you something.
please listen to them.
if you don’t feel safe, you don’t feel safe.
I am just coming from the place of having explained away and apologized away my own emotions (as “anxiety” or “changes in meds” - I said all this, too! And believed it at the time!) when it turned out I was trying to make things work with an abusive man, and I was putting all the responsibility on myself to make the relationship work.

7 months is not long enough to be having this kind of issue, and he’s already trying to control you (getting “very stern” on the phone …)

cut your losses. Really. Be VERY careful, and please please listen to what your emotions are trying to tell you.