"DP" threatens with kicking us out

[incd4this]

NC'd for this. "DP", and I say that lightly at the moment, threatens to kick me out every time he's annoyed or we argue. The house we live in is his and he is very nearly mortgage-free, for context. He knows I can't just go and get another house somewhere for me and our 6 MO DD, I would sign up to the council list but in a few days time he will say "sorry, there is always a home here for us here". I don't know what to do, I wouldn't get a mortgage and think I'll struggle to private rent anywhere around here due to being on mat leave.
When I enquired in the past with the council there was a 20+ week wait for application consideration and even with the little savings I have I wouldn't be seen as any sort of priority and they said I'd have to go and rent privately, which I can't afford to do.
Any suggestions or advice? I have my DF close by, but he has a lot on as a full time carer for DM and not really enough space. I'd love to take my dogs with me too but understand they don't help with needing somewhere to go. I feel like the time has come that I need to sort something and not have the potential threat hanging over me.

Go to the council and declare yourself homeless. They will find emergency housing for you and the baby.

Your partner is abusive and you need to get out of there. You can speak to womens aid for advice. A woman's shelter is also a possibility.

Seriously, this is bad op and you need to get away from this horrible man. Do t raise your child in a home seeing theur mother abused like this, thinking this shit is normal.

I'm so sorry for what you are going through.
But make the choice to live free of this horrible person. You only get one life.

Call refuge. They are absolutely brilliant and so reassuring

I know by tomorrow or at least the end of the weekend his temper and mood will have fizzled out which is why I've always been reluctant in the past.
I don't want to be housed as an emergency or take valuable time from ie refuge as I know there are people in desperate need for help whereas my issue will (hopefully) come and go in the short term

You are being abused. You need to leave. Take your infant child, pack your bags and leave.

Do you have any other friends or family you can stay with?

What @Pinkbonbon said.

That's what I did.

You and your daughter are at risk of being homeless with his daughter, even if he wont kick you out hes leaving you worrying about having a home for you and your daughter. You cant live like that. Apply to the council, see if you are eligible - you cant live like this waiting for him to have the next strop and threaten to kick you out - why does he even do that? Over what? Im assuming there are other controlling behaviours? This alone is odd, I would think there are other little things he is saying and doing and it will only get worse.

And you know that he will chuck that shit at you all over again.

My DP used to say that when I lived with him. But would say it’s a a joke when I asked him to help with chores. Once as joke ok, but constantly when I needed help just wore me down, so I know how you feel.

I bought a house and moved out split up with him. Felt so much better. We are trying again slowly but I don’t think I can live with the fear of having no stability.

move out.

The thing is though op, he is CHOOSING to be angry.

He's not abusive because he's angry.
He's angry because he's abusive.

Its all designed to make you walk on eggshells. To make you change yourself, make yourself small...in order to, you hope, keep the peace.

But you can't because he gets 'angry' not because he's actually annoyed with you. But for the same reason he threatens to kick you out - to control you.

It's all an act designed to intimidate, control and diminish you.

I don't feel I'm at the point I need to go to a women's shelter, but also have no other friends or family to call upon. He isn't physically abusive but does get drunk and name calls etc and will say more about me having to leave.
I will enquire with the council but when I have done so in the past they have just brushed off my situation saying I'd need to private rent. My situation is desperate but not desperate-desperate if that makes sense.

Essentially thats why it's called 'the cycle of abuse'.

If they were nasty all the time, ppl wouldn't stay.

Thanks @Pinkbonbon everything you say makes complete sense.

In response to another pp he's controlling in that he likes things done in certain ways and to have control over things ie questioning my competence as a mother, how well I've washed her bottles, little things like that really

Good men don’t threaten to make their child and child’s mother homeless. The cycle of abuse won’t stop. It’ll get worse and more frequent. Don’t let your child grow up in that atmosphere. You’ll realise just how bad it is once you’re looking in the rear view mirror.

Get on the list. You already know that if he follows through with his threats, you will be fucked, so it is time to do something about it. You can't just bury your head in the sand and hope everything will be ok. You have a tiny child you need to provide a stable home for.

Have a chat to someone at Women's Aid. Even if you're not sure it's abuse it can't hurt to talk to someone.
https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/
There can also be help for dogs
https://www.dogstrust.org.uk/how-we-help/ownership/freedom-project

Yeah, trying to make you feel incompetent/not good enough is another common abuse tactic to beat you down.

You say it's not bad enough but, op I want you to know that you are worth a happy life. You are important and your self worth is important. No, it's priceless.

So anything that threatens that needs to be left in the dust. You need to be your own champion..and you can't do that if your inner voice says 'I'm not important enough to be happy'. And each time you say, 'It's not bad enough', that's essentially what you are saying.

It is bad enough. It's a threat to the fundamentals of who you are. You, your sanity, your joy, your self worth, strength, peace of mind, your very soul. And if that isn't bad enough...you, or rather what's left you once he's drained you dry, will be the role model on which your daughter models HER self worth.

If someone smacks you you probably know its a them issue. But if someone tells you over and over again that you aren't good enough...one day, you'll believe it. That, is bad enough.

You have to belive that you are worth, something more than this. A happy life, with good people in it. And anyone or anything that threatens that, be your own champion and get away from them.

What you have described is abuse.

Sort it out now, you know it is going to happen like a million other women who get themselves in these situations

For your child's sake seek help now while you can

Have you checked an online benefits calculator to see what help you could get with rent/council tax as a single parent?

Also check the government website to see what child maintenance your partner would need to pay.

Have you explained that he is abusive to you when you’ve made enquiries with the council in the past?

Just call his bluff and leave. Go back to work early if needs be. He will have to pay child support and you will probably be entitled to top up benefits. Even if it's a one bed flat or even a studio it's worth it short term for your independence

Don't give him the power

It is bad enough, OP. There are ways of severely abusing someone which don’t involve hitting them. He is vile and he will destroy you emotionally and psychologically. He may well start on you physically but what he’s doing now is already very serious. Please talk to Women’s Aid. Please take your situation very seriously.

This is a terrible situation.
You and your child are being abused.
Please contact Women's aid.
This is an utterly toxic environment for a child.
The sooner you leave the better.
Get out while your baby is young.
You urgently need to seek alternative housing because of abuse.
You are numb to how bad this is.
Please act now.
This is not a good man.
Talk to Women's aid, your GP and get things moving.