Turn crush at work into friendship - is it possible?

[RicKLeys]

Years ago I developed a crush on a colleague. I'm happily married with kids and she is also a parent in a relationship.

I said 'happily' because the feelings for my partner haven't changed, if anything our relationship has become stronger than in previous years. But the feelings for my crush are still there and they are not getting any weaker.

I've had other crushes since getting married but none for this long and as strong as this one. I know it's perfectly normal, that it happens to a lot of people... I have gone through phases of feeling terribly guilty, avoiding contact (and making it worse), seeking more contact (and feeling it's never enough)... I lose sleep over this and my mental health can be seriously challenged at times.

I think what puzzles me most is that I don't understand where these feelings come from. I have the feeling the way out is to talk to my crush more and try to be friends and maybe in that process something will click and this inexplicable suffering will stop.

But can this actually work? Is it a good idea to try or is it going to make things a lot worse? Does anybody have any experience of becoming friends with a crush at work while married?

No. No No No No No No!

No!

For the love of goodness, no!

I'll tell you what you do. You.leave.that.job.
ASAP. Like, yesterday.

Pps, incase you missed it - nooooo!

What your talking about is emotional affair territory.

Leave the job.

Multiple crushes isn't normal?? It's normal to think someone is attractive it's not normal to develop crushes while with someone.

Oh ffs OP, just get on with ur bloomin work. Stop being such a creep and revolving your life around having a “crush”. Just do your job and focus on the life you have with your husband.

Trust me when I tell you it won't work. The only option is to leave and not see them again. Been there, got the Tshirt of nightmares.

Leave her alone and concentrate on your relationship. A friendship will only make things a million times worse and I think deep down you're just trying to find excuses to get closer to her.

OP, finding people attractive is normal.
Having multiple crushes is not. Something is fundamentally wrong with your marriage and you just can’t admit it to yourself. I think therapy is necesarry. And no, do not develop friendship with your crush because it may turn to an affair.

If this was innocent and a good idea, I assume you would have no hesitation in sharing this with your wife. You know the one with whom you have such a close relationship.

Is this not a bit creepy for your colleague? Sounds very unprofessional!

Slightly different opinion here from someone who is also prone to crushes but has a healthy and happy relationship (I think some people are just more prone to crush than other people).

Do you think, really being firm with yourself, that there's any chance your crush might be able to tell how you feel? If there's anything in your behaviour then you have to back right off and as pp have said you may have to move away from the job. If not, in my experience becoming friends while being strictly unflirty and not crush like can really help, because it removes the fantasy element that can give a crush oxygen when someone is remote. But it relies on you being strict with yourself while the friendship develops, and if you get any indication that your crush knows how you feel or that you're trying to edge towards flirtation then you don't have enough self control and just have to get away from it

No one saying leave your partner? I don't think you're cut out for a relationship if you're having actual crushes, multiple times.

Even in my unhappy relationship, I couldn't have a crush on someone... 1, because of loyalty, and 2, because my mind hasn't even considered it. Love means the rest if the world disappears. The fact your eyes are open to the possibility means your heart isn't where it should be.

oh come on. You know it’s just an excuse for more contact.

If it’s so innocent and you really believe it’s was a way of getting rid of the crush, tell your partner what’s been going on and tell them your plan to become friendly with the person you have had a long term crush on and can’t get out of your mind. See what they think.

You are in a relationship whilst you crush on others and it's your mental health that's in trouble? Spare a thought for your poor partner. Maybe concentrate on your other half instead of these random ppl.. that might be the key to making the 'crush' stop.

@C1N1C I don’t mean this to sound rude to you but I don’t think it’s true that you will never have a crush happy or unhappy in your relationship, when you’re together for years you go through peaks and troughs and crushes are sometimes just a projection of something you feel, you just have to learn how to navigate them and see them for what they are when they crop up and set appropriate boundaries.

I agree though that multiple constant crushes probably indicates something more.

You could read about a thousand over threads where the OP is a woman and they get much more sympathy.
Everyone has crushes. Get over it.

Some people are more prone to crushes, they're not morally deficient; there are links between limerence and ADHD and/or Autism.

As with everything else in life the difference is if you choose to act on it.

I’m the same, I tend to usually have a crush. As long as it doesn’t get out of hand then it’s fine. We are all different and so some of us never crush and some of us do.
I don’t think intentionally making a stronger friendship with this person is sensible. It won’t make the situation better, you will form stronger feelings and then make a bad situ worse.
I don’t think advising you to leave your job is wise because no one on this platform is in a position to do so.
But just remember, nothing stays the same forever. Ie these situations have a way of sorting themselves out. I’m talking from experience. It will be ok in the end.