Struggling in a an age gap relationship

[Kelly202467]

I was only 17 and my boyfriend 47. When we first started dating. I was a very vulnerable teenager with a lot of abuse from my childhood. Meeting my partner at the time felt like a knight in shining armour. He had no money and a small council flat but I thought life would be perfect. We now have four children.

I was very wrong about a perfect life, for the first sixteen years he financial abused me ( only had access to money for the last 2 years) controlling behaviour is always there, more so years ago:
he used to make me go to bed at 9pm every night.
Wouldn't allow me to watch TV unless it was something he wanted to watch.
I wasn't allowed to move too much in bed at night or go to the toilet to much, he would get very nasty if I woke him up.
These behaviours aren't presented that much anymore ( mainly because I choose not to sleep in the same bed as him at night, I sleep downstairs, this suits him as well, he very much needs sleep, the idea of sleeping in the same bed as him, makes me panic inside) he still displays controlling behaviour, just in different ways, so many tiny ways that I can't list them.

Bring anything up with him he just gets nasty, blames everyone else, demands respect and support whilst giving none in return. Doing anything or going anywhere with him he'll always get nasty and blame everyone else. His own family don't have any contact with him, but still he won't look at himself. 9 times out of ten his problems will be my fault. I've told him how upset he makes me but he cannot hear it. Every birthday or Christmas or any special occasion he'll ruin, I usually end up crying on my birthdays.

He's never physically hurt me.

I know and feel so much like a want to leave, start my life with my children, they deserve a better dad, we've been together 18 years. But my reality is I have no friends, no family, I'm truly isolated. I've tried to make connections, it doesn't work for me, I long for a friend and support but it just doesn't happen for me, I've tried, I've truly tried.

It's just me and my children, I make sure they have connections with school friends and going to clubs, I take them out all the time, I play games with them. I wish they had grandparents and other relatives. I wish I had the support from others.

I've contacted women's aid before, but there is no physical abuse. I've tried therapy, it has helped me understand myself and why I struggle in life. Which has benefitted me a lot. And I've started volunteering.

But the reality is this isn't a fairytale. Life is so miserable. My children are perfect. Life with them is great. But I do wish I had a family, friends and a partner who I loved and trusted and who felt the same towards me. I've lived like this for so long.

I ultimately know it's only me who can get myself and my children out of this situation. But with no friends, family and money this isn't as straightforward as the films and books would make out.

Hi OP, I’m sorry you’re in this situation, it sounds awful. I know it’s not going to be easy but I do truly think all you can do is start making steps towards building the life you want for yourself. You can’t change the past but you CAN change your future, it won’t be easy but it absolutely will be worth it. Think about the life you’d like to be living in 5 years time and start making steps, however small they may be, towards that life from now.

WA would still assist you surely? You're being emotionally and financially abused.

Your post is so sad. This man groomed you when you were little more than a child. He is a predator. You are still so young. At 65 your partner could live another 20 plus years! You cannot remain saddled to him for that long.

17 v 47 ????
He's an abuser , what decent man of 47 thinks it appropriate to date a 17yrs old . He has taken complete advantage of you .

At his age you will be a carer . Get out whilst you can and try and forge a good life for yourself and your children

Women’s Aid can and will help you because you are in an abusive relationship with this man. He saw and sensed you were a vulnerable adult and actively groomed and targeted you to further abuse, which indeed he has done. He is indeed a predator.

Good on you for starting volunteering but can you get paid work too?. He would probably prevent you from doing that which is another reason to get away from him. He wants to keep you isolated and in a cage of his own paranoid making.

Do speak to WA and I would see if you can obtain a refuge place with your kids.

leave him darling. You are 35 and he’s 65. He’s nothing but an abuser. Quite frankly he should be investigated as to date you at 17 and him 47 is vile. You can have a decent life with your children in peace.

You are so young!
Do you want to spend next 20 years of your youth pandering and caring for him?
He will only get worse.
You were voulnerable teen that has been groomed!

Try to get out. There is plenty of men who would be happy with such patient woman and you can still have children in new relationship!
But try to get out quick.

Ok I came on to defend age gaps and offer advice. However, this is not healthy and never was you need to leave him.

How old are your children? How is he with them? Have you spoken to them about how they feel around him?
If you feel comfortable enough reach out to the childrens school/s, they are able to make referrals and put you in contact with lots of different organisations that can help.

Its the little things that all add up, but then are made to feel like it's ridiculous to complain as its 'not a big deal' or are made to feel like you are over reacting. Not being happy is a good enough reason to leave, you don't have to have a big reason or try to make anyone understand. Once you are out of that situation you may find it easier to move on with your life and cross paths with more people that you can build friendships with. Are you able to reconnect with anyone from the past? You could try bumble to meet friends its not just a dating app, peanut is another one, play dates with kids from school and try to connect with some mums that way too maybe?

Apart from the age gap being different (but still significant) this sounds so like my ex. I know what it feels like to be trapped with someone who is abusive and controlling. The constant watching and second guessing yourself. Every event being ruined. Normal things like what to have for tea being blown up into a huge row that you are then blamed for. Not allowed to eat, sleep, wash etc other than as dictated. I've just marked my 24th freedom anniversary and I regret none of those years. The first day you come home with your child to a nice tidy place, however budget friendly, with no fear of what's about to happen is amazing. You will only leave when the time is right though. If you don't feel able to yet you can still think/plan and when you know it's time you will do it. It's maybe controversial but other than DV charities who really get it I'd watch who you tell as they may unwittingly force your hand thinking they are helping and make things more difficult. Obviously call someone if you are in immediate danger. I really wish you well.

That sounds miserable, he is and has been abusive even if he hasn't hit you.

GP to get it on record, WA, Council list, and bide your time until you and the children can get out.

Please try woman's aid again.

Tell them about the financial abuse and the controlling behaviour and the fact he's groomed you (because he has. No normal minded 47 year old man would shack up with a 17 year old. Even if you've been together 18 years now, it doesn't make it right).

Work on getting out. Go to the council armed with your kids and some suitcases and refuse to move until they help you if you have to but please get yourself and your children away from this man.

He knows you could find someone a million times better (and younger) so he's trapped you & intimidated you so you feel there's no escape. Surely there's no physical attraction for you at this stage? You need to get out and live your life. Meet someone lovely 🥰 For your dcs sakes aswell as yours. Leave him to wallow and age alone, it's the least he deserves.

OP - there are ways of abusing someone which don’t involve hitting them or even shouting at them. He started abusing you the moment he got into a relationship with you. There are no good reasons for 47 year old men to be dating 17 year old girls, only bad ones. Speak to Women’s Aid again. They will help you.

That age gap is absolutely disgusting and I don’t care if it’s not PC to say so.

It must be so hard to see how you could leave.

But you can. And you absolutely should.

You have a long old, much happier life to lead after him! Go for it! It'll be hard, but you'll never regret it!

Please please contact women's aid again, they will absolutely help you!

You are so strong, so intelligent, and obviously a brilliant mother. You absolutely can find a way to leave this man. You are a victim of abuse and you need help. Do not stop contacting every agency possible until you get it.

This.
He is disgusting, you weren't even an adult at the time you got together.
Get out before you get stuck caring for him, you have children so the council will house you (probably temporarily at first) but it has to be better than living with him?

My Dh is 47 and Dd is 17. It’s absolutely disgusting and should be illegal. Where were your parents?

OP, I am the child of parents with a large age gap. My mum was 19 and my dad 40 when they got together. He was controlling and emotionally abusive to her the whole time, controlling who she could see, being nasty to her and to others in public which embarrassed us, shouting at us over the most minor things. I grew up walking on eggshells.

My mum sadly died in her 50s, and when she was diagnosed with cancer she was bitterly regretful of wasting her adult life with him. She became his carer as he was a 70 year old man, and even when she had cancer, his caring needs were more important than hers. He died a few years later, and his caring burden fell onto me and my brother, which was difficult as we both resented him for how he treated our mum.

I am saying this because i want to emphasise how important it is for you to leave not only for yourself to build a new life (you are only in your 30's!), but for your children. I have chosen poor relationships myself because this is what was normal to me as a child. Show your children that you value yourself by leaving and starting over, send them the message that that is healthy and you do not deserve to be treated so poorly. Contact Womens Aid again. You can do this, do not be my mum and look back with deep regret and a complete loss of freedom and any hope of leaving

This is so sad.
Please phone a solicitor and ask for a first free session.
Please speak to your joint / his bank and tell them about the financial abuse to have it on record , as well as the GP. .. good advice too.
Take photos of any financial paperwork, If available.
Try speaking to safeguarding lead at the kids school and /or a local church even if you don’t go there.
it will be hard work to get free from him but you’ ve shown you can do hard work . Sending a virtual hug . x

Thank you for all your messages. It's given me a lot to think about.

I will contact women's aid again, Im getting more and more ready to be less anonymous with asking for help.

I've started volunteering which was helped me just being around others. My partner is super jealous and will go on and on at me about who I'm with, so I usually just make out it's only women I volunteer with.

I know I'm in a very vulnerable position. I do not want to waste my life anymore.

Sadly my own family, have a lot of addiction and abusive problems so I felt that being with a man of 30 years older than me was better.

I don't want to look back on my life with regret. I am getting closer and closer to leaving.

"I don't want to look back on my life with regret. I am getting closer and closer to leaving"

Go for it OP.
Don't look back.

No one will fight harder for you in this life than you x