Hello, gosh I dont know if anyone else has been through this kind of relationship with their mum, but just hoping I dont sound selfish or appear this way to others as thats my worry with the people we both know. Please dont judge me!!
I am nearly 50 next year and in all the years I have been with my mum, who I hasten to add I have been very close with or thought I was, I developed a lot of anxiety, depression and phobias which I have contributed myself to needing a sense of control in my life and also a sense of some kind of safe reassurance which after moving from school to school around 15 since a small child, moving house a lot too with my parents and not getting emotional understanding I can see now that I have reached 49 its resulted in me pretty much hating my mum. I actually feel I do, its more like a hate and anger which has just been like a penny has dropped moment in my life!
My mum is a strong character and likes to be needed, literally but doesnt actually show any emotion when she is needed if this makes sense its more a logical response and matter of fact with the odd nasty direct comment thrown in, so I cant function properly on my own...making out I am (her words) always over exageratting or melodramatic about everything she uses that a lot with me....then she plays the victim of well I wont ever change and if I did for you, then I would be fake and a false person so I am not doing that. She mentions, It will be sad never to see me again but if it gives you a sense of relief then so be it, I will see if your brother still wants to see me (I had a feeling she may say this) I also knew when trying to tell my mum she makes me feel nervous in her company as well as pretty upset because she says hurtful things that I no longer want to be around her. Unless she looks at things with me in a different way or can see changes/compromises her words were, I am 77 I will not be changing and this is how I am so you either accept it as the past is in the past with my background as this is how I am or just walk away......
So with that we have the worst row whilst walking the dog, she says clearly you are very unhappy, I say only around you, otherwise I am very calm thank you.
What is interesting as this had happened about 6 years ago we didnt speak for 3 months, she reached out but nothing ever kind of changed and in all the years we went away on holiday as a family, I never spoke to her again and reached out to dad all the day, I am now recognising many patterns in my life and just want to get her out of it!
I am feeling here a sense of guilt because she had cancer in 2021 as well as she is my mum and 77, I also love my dad dearly but the love I have for my mum is just not the same, my question is why do I feel so strongly now about this...its more anger! I feel really really bad here yet strangely relieved and more confident in myself too, Im in therapy too dealing with my mum which has been a really good experience. I am hopeful I will be ok. My dad too was emotionally unavailable but he has more of a caring side to him in a different way but never shows it really. So I feel my brother and I have always been kind of lost children.
When she was in hospital she made a rather strange comment saying she was glad she was in there so she had peace from Dad and I...but that also she would be happy to move away from all her friends she didnt like anyway and wouldnt miss anyone and she feels no attachment whatsoever, again another strange comment to make! Then when I ask her about it, she says you overly exaggerate it I never said this!
She has also come off facebook as she said she doesnt want to see any of my posts anymore, I feel since I have taken my own control away from her, she has become very much this is how I am, accept it otherwise its best to cut contact, as I was so angry with her it was like I felt worse, she then starts crying but strangely I felt nothing whilst she cried, I genuinely felt awful, then thought no be strong!
Has anyone else had a mother like this, sorry long post just feel pretty awful to be honest with you and for the first time in years strangely calm but also this awful anger for her!!