Gift etiquette when separated from husband?

[M1225]

So I may be massively overthinking this but I’m not sure what the right thing to do is.

I’ll try and keep the backstory short. Together 8 years, married for 2. We have an 8 month old together. To begin with the split was amicable. We stayed living together, co parenting and were friends. Found out he had an emotional affair that started long before we split. He then was in a relationship with this person once we had split but kept it a secret and snuck around with her behind my back (said they made it official the day we officially separated but I’ve no way of knowing if that’s true or not). He moved out to live with his parents. We still co parent and he comes to see little one a couple of times a week. He wants us to be friends again but I’m not in a place to forgive and forget. We’ve only been separated a couple of months.

His birthday is coming up. I am going to get him a card and gifts from his child. But do I get him a card and a small gift from me? Or maybe just a card? His family have been amazing and so supportive throughout everything that’s happened, his mum especially. But will they think I’m being really petty if I don’t acknowledge his birthday by not getting him anything.

I’m such an over thinker and worrier! I feel like the answer is obvious and I don’t owe him anything. And I shouldn’t care how other people perceive me but I am a self confessed people pleaser! I just don’t want any more drama!

I would not get him a gift from me. I think to get a card and a token gift from the DC it’s very kind, anything beyond that absolutely not.

I haven't been in this situation but I would say No, you don't buy a present from you. One from your DC is enough.

Definitely not.

I I were you, I'd buy a packet of plain cards and envelopes and make a card every year. Obviously you will have to do it for the first few years but eventually your dd will be able to do this on her own. That way you are ridding yourself of the agony of choosing an appropriate card for over a decade.

You could do a handprint this year and by next year she will be able to finger paint and the year after that produce a fine scribble and then you are on the home stretch.

Making a card is lovely and a non thoughtful gift set a low limit eg £20 is nice

If it's not reciprocated when it's Mother's Day Christmas birthday etc then stop.

Match his energy.

I wouldn’t even get into the habit of buying him a present from your child. With my husband’s son, the grand parents on each side helped their grandchild pick a present for their parent. As he got older and I was a step parent I’d check that he’d bought his mum something,

I agree with previous posters, I wouldn't get a gift of you at all but I think it's a really nice gesture from you for your child's benefit to get a card and gift off them for their dad. It may not matter now but I think when they're older they will appreciate that you did this

I would 100% agree with this

And the point about the homemade card earlier is perfect. Don't go to the trouble of buying one.

I don't think there is a need for a gift from an eight month old. She won't know anything about it.

Make a card and when she's two start presents. Although I think I would try to regulate that as well. Maybe she can get him flowers every birthday as she can choose them but you don't have to think of anything new. It's got to be for her benefit not his.

Op a gift and card from your little one is still a nice gesture from you. You're the one paying for the items and putting it all together so no one will think that's petty but please don't buy him a gift. He doesn't deserve this. And if anyone has an issue with this then they are the petty ones.

I'm on friendly terms with ex DP, we parent 50/50. We get each other presents from DD for birthdays etc but not for each other. We're not together any more but still respect each other as DD's parents.

I'm divorced as is my DP, we both do presents from kids to exes, not from us directly.

I would not get him a gift from the child..you have a baby and babies don’t understand these things. If it was a 4 year old that was insistent on getting something it would be a card written by the child and a box of chocs. I don’t think he deserves anything tbh.

I’ve been separated from DS’s since from when he was 5 months old. He’s now 7. I’ve always bought him a small gift and a card from DS for his birthday, Father’s Day and Christmas. When DS was smaller I would choose it myself, usually a bottle of red wine for about £8. Now DS is older I take him to B&M and let him choose something to the value of £10. For his birthday he got awful cheap red wine, some jelly sweets and a bottle of shower gel. But, they meant something to DS who was happy to give his dad a gift.
I would like to say that my son’s dad reciprocates the idea but he doesn’t. That’s ok, I have a partner who helps DS choose me gifts, it’s important to my son. I will always know I’ve done my best. If it weren’t for DP I would give my son some cash and let him loose in B&M. Much like I do at Christmas when he chooses his grandma and aunties gifts.
I know people will say don’t bother if he doesn’t, and I completely understand that, but for me, for my DS who is quite a sensitive soul, it’s important for us.

Personally I'd do a token gift and card from the baby (could do a photo-card of the baby or handprint/footprint as someone suggested).

I wouldn't give something from you.

Hopefully he'll do the same when it's one of your occasions. If he doesn't reciprocate, leave it until the child's old enough to understand gift-giving and then facilitate.

i would ensure that you help your child with a card/gift until they are of an age where they can do it themselves.

if you are not 'over it all' yet, then no i would not send a card or gift from yourself. just because his family have been good to you, doesn't mean he has and by all means send them cards and gifts as you would normally do.

he may want to be friends, but that takes some doing (been there done that got the t-shirt and i ended up best friends with the father of my children so its possible eventually'

A gift from your children is all that’s necessary, and that’s for their sake not his. He had an affair, you owe him nothing.

Absolutely not!

A small gift and card from baby is more than enough.

Given your child is too young to be buying the gift it's effectively from you. Sounds like a lovely thing to do xx

No present from you and none from your baby either. Not this year anyway. Maybe in future years, but not now. He doesn’t deserve it. You owe him nothing.

No way anything from you! I was on good terms with my ex-husband and we would not have done this.

I did get stuff for my ex-husband 'from son' - but he didn't reciprocate, and so I stopped. This may perhaps be the role of the new partner?

This is a great time to stop people pleasing (which is actually manipulation and image-management, when viwed another way!) and do what you want to do. What you GENUINELY want to do.

for me, yeah, something from his son might be a lovely gesture - but he doesn't deserve a lovely gesture from the perosn he cheated on.

My ex and I did this for the first mothers/fathers day and stopped at Xmas after I returned my gift to him unopened (although I peeked and it was a horrible scarf) because he told me he hadn't wanted to buy me something and he hasn't felt like writing a heartfelt message from my son (baby). What on earth is the point - since then neither of us have done it but my parents kindly get valentines and Mother's Day and birthday cards and gifts from my toddler to me.

When my son is older I will help him to choose or make a card or gift for his father if he wants to do so but it won't be instigated by me