Pleas tell me to get a grip and hold my hand

[DaisyChainsandSunnyDays]

I have been with a very selfish manipulating man for 12 years now
He has little empathy, doesn't take responsibility for his behaviour, he's entitled, manipulative and controlling. He has cheated on me when by DC was 5 months old, not long after proposing. I gave him ultimatum of going to couples therapy, and things got better. We got married and had another child. He earns very well and is away for work a lot while I work PT during school hours. My youngest DC is autistic and cant go to after school clubs etc. Husband makes me feel inadequate and unworthy because my earning potential is small, he makes all financial decisions and refuses to involve me in budgeting because 'he pays for everything' He does ay all of housing bills and we have a joint a/c where he will put money for food or kids expenses if I ask. He wont just transfer enough for a month, I have to ask for every penny. I stated therapy last year and my rose tinted glasses fell off. I can see my boundaries are not being respected, my repeated pleas and requests are ignored (he will agree but still not follow with action) What bothers me the most he thinks his needs come first before children's, He even said his upset because he doesn't feel his my priority- WELL YEAH HE ISNT! MY KIDS ARE. After work I do all of the housework childcare & cooking and after eating dinner my husband will go relax and not spend time with be and DCs.
If I don't do what he wants he will give me silent treatment. when I didn't want to have s@x for couple of weeks, telling him I feel that we are drifting apart and how lonely I feel he kept putting pressure on me. I said he needs to respect my boundaries. so couple days later when payment for DCs swimming was due he said he will not pay, and I questioned why (he has the money) he said i need to respect his boundaries.
I know he will never change, and I don't want my children to suffer any more.
I have spoken to a solicitor, We both own the house we live in and I know getting him to leave will be hard but I do not want to force my autistic DC to move and god forbid change school. so I need to get my finances in order to be able to survive the legal battle and when my husband cuts off finances, because I'm sure he will the moment I tell him its over. I guess I just wanted some encouragement. I can do this.

absolutely don't know what are the right words, but hugs and you've got this. so many women have been through it and come out the other side, so that means you can too. it's good you've got therapy to support you through this .

you'll probably be better off when you're getting some Universal Credit, alongside your part time work and child maintenance from him. i don't know how you get him to leave, but I'm sure someone who knows better will come along and advise you. my only idea would be to write down all the examples of ways he does and times he has emotionally, financially and mentally abused you, in case you need to get police involved, as it's illegal now.

p.s. have you applied for DLA and Carer's Allowance for your child who has autism?

He sounds appalling and you and your lovely children deserve better. Get good legal advice and make sure you get fair finances. You are brave and strong, it will be rocky for a while but keep telling yourself you are worth so much more than this selfish abusing man. You will be ok xx

Yes you can do this. I've had a similar experience with an autistic dc too. You will get UC which will be topped up for being a carer and if your child gets DLA. You get UC up to a much higher income when you have a disabled child. You will also get child maintenance. Depending on the rate of DLA the financial support can be more than you might expect. You can use a benefits calculator or get advice from CAB to make sure you are getting the right benefits at the right rate. We had a disabled child social worker already and didnt get much help but once we separated they really stepped up - I guess financially its in their interests to make sure you can sustain the carer role and dont go under. I got extra support with short breaks / activities for my dc so ask for a social care assessment for a disabled child and carers assessment. tell them your relationship is breaking down. Dont get me wrong it was physically hard work working and caring and I was always tired, but I was doing most of the work already and it all became much easier when I didnt have another adult dragging my mental health down as well. You can apply for UC as a single person even while in the same home if you are living separately. There is a delay in it coming through. Talk to family or friends and your employer. People usually want to help. Get the financial info together, maybe store important docs eg kids passports with someone you can trust. Be careful about deleting your search history and changing passwords. Open a separate bank account for your own salary and benefits.

An abusive man refusing to pay for a child’s swimming lesson to punish his wife for not wanting to have sex with him. Vile.

Unfortunately so many of us have been there in similar situations. The more you can get independent then they have no way of 'punishing' you.

Thank you for your words of support,
sometimes I wander if I’m going crazy thinking this behaviour is not ok as he will do things with a smile on his face or even more often presenting himself as a victim.
I already get DLA for autistic Dc but as Dc is non verbal I spend all of it on private speech and language therapist. We were on NHS waiting list for a long time only to be offered 5 appointments… private therapy is best for DC right now.
I will contact UC as soon as we split, I’m not gonna lie I’m scared and worried about how our 9yo DC will cope and just buying some time to put more money away. We’ve just had a rough patch when I was saying no and he was giving me silent treatment, it ended with serous conversation and me stating my needs. He agreed to treat me better so I’m expecting few weeks of peace and him being a suffering saint before he goes back to his „normal” behaviour.

Apparently there is no value in it as DC is still not learned to swim
may I add it’s the only activity this autistic DC is signed up for and absolutely loves it. It wasn’t easy to find a place that could accommodate dcs needs. And husband spent more on his „ special” shampoo than what these lessons were costing for summer term.