Husband refusing to do anything for miserable mood

[pandarific]

We have just had ANOTHER fight about this, I will admit instigated by me. I am beyond frustrated with him.

He has refused to go to the GP three times now despite his negative misery cloud colouring his interactions with me and the kids. We have various life stresses and young kids, but nothing wildly unusual and overall we are very lucky.

He has always had this sort of very slight ‘poor me’ bent, but that was usually when tired/overwhelmed etc. But now it’s allllll the time and I am so so so sick of it. I feel guilty for being angry with him about it but I have repeatedly raised it and its effect on me and the kids (having to live with someone whose first comment or thought on anything is negative) but he won’t take any action.

I am on fairly strong anti depressants myself and as I pointed out to him I stopped, thought how my awful low mood was affecting him and the kids and did something about it. His answer was silence.

I don’t want to force him. He said he doesn’t want to be married to someone aggressive - he means I call him out and yes he has a point about my tone and delivery - fine. However, I don’t want the current state to be our marriage either.

I would like marriage counselling. Underneath being angry with him for this, I love him and I want us to be happy together. Any advice?

If you say more or less the last line of your post to him, what is his reaction? In a calm voice "I love you but I'm frustrated by the negativity and I want our marriage to be happy".

What is he like around people in the outside world?. I would assume he does not treat his work colleagues like this does he. He is doing this because he can and he’s learnt it works for him.

You are likely to be on anti depressants primarily because of him and his ever changing moods. With him out from your day to day lives it may well be that you won’t need those going forward.

What do you want to teach your kids about relationships and what are they learning here?. You have a choice re this man, they do not.

He’s not interested in seeking any form of help for his moods and the responsibility for those are his and his alone. You are not anyway forcing him to do anything, he seems quite happy as he is. He and his moods are dictating this household and it’s abusive treatment from him towards you and in turn the kids. I would read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven.

If marriage counselling is to be considered I would go on your own as you need to talk in both a calm and safe environment.

Agree with pp. how does he behave with others? If he's only like it with you it means it's deliberate , ie, he's not really depressed, he's just pretending to you that he is. Why do you think he might do that?

Go ahead and book the marriage counselling and let him know when the appointment is (calmly). Say you are feeling positive about going together and you really think it will help.

If he won’t go, you still go. talk to the counsellor about how you can communicate calmly with one another, tips for being active listeners and how to share your thoughts coherently (making lists together, thinking of positives about the marriage and pain points that you can work on). When you come home, tell him it was a positive session and you’ve booked another and want him to come. Explain that you talked about how to deliver things calmly, and you feel good about it.

I would try out the above for a few weeks/months, but if he will not communicate then you do not need to stay. He needs to believe that you are willing to walk. It is soul destroying to have a partner/parent who will not do anything about their depression. Of course you love him and want to help but you need to look after yourself too.

@AttilaTheMeerkat he’s not abusive. I know this is often a pattern with mumsnet men, but he’s not that guy. He is struggling, I’m just pissed off with him - I wouldn’t say he has ever changing moods, either, just persistent low/depressed mood. I’m on anti depressants for my own unrelated stuff and have been on and off for years before I met him.

he has reason to feel low - He’s not working outside of the home at the moment as we are renovating and he’s handy so is doing the work on the house instead - I am WFH so keeping the money coming in while we do that. we made a big move from his home country to mine (all agreed multiple times, kids happy and settled). But it’s a big adjustment for him, going from working in an office 9-5 to working primarily alone for the last 10 months - during the evening he does some freelance work remotely to keep a bit of money coming in. Writing this out I can see he’s exhausted.

I’m just frustrated with him. I don’t care what he does to sort it out, I just want him to take action.

You cannot force him to take action if he does not want to do so. You must also be both exhausted and frustrated.

Is his previous job still open to him?. It does seem a bit unusual for him to have stopped nearly all paid work outside the home just in order to renovate his home. Is it possible for him to go back and from that arrange people to renovate your home further?.

A gentle thought. I think your man needs to go back to work, to be amongst people and to get perspective. If that means paying builders, perhaps that is a way forward but I think loneliness and isolation might be part of the problem.

Thank you, the counselling and the finding an out of home job are good advice. We’ve had a talk and yes that would help a lot. Thank you for the perspective!

Sounds similar to my husband. It's a miserable existence.

Did he want to renovate a house on his own? Did he want to not have an income and rely on you? It sounds as though he's very unhappy. He's given up his country, given up his job, is reliant on you for money and sees you doing a job That you might well enjoy.

Meanwhile he's lonely, doesn't feel adequate, doesn't feel at home…

I think I would say to him look this current situation isn't working. Let's get you back to work and use the money to do up the house.

Or maybe even sell house and buy something that doesn't need any work so that you can both keep your jobs .

What you both doing now isn't working. Drugs are not always the answer!