Help! Handhold! I don't know..

[Anon1231990]

Please be gentle, I am in a really bad place.

Very long story short. I think I was in a emotionally abusive relationship for over a decade, given the situation I guess luckily no DC (but I would have loved to have DC)

In August last year he said he could cope mental health etc (the script) and I was devastated, he has been in constant contact, saying he was trying to get better, asking for support help from me. I found out in April he was actually cheating, that was the reason for the split. When I told him I knew he really stepped up the I love you, big mistake talk etc but said he needed time to extracate himself from the OW. I have completly done the pick me dance. He is still with OW, he keeps changing from professing love, to acting like I don't exist. I have begged him to just let me go...because I can't seem to do it.

I have no self worth at all.....none.... whenever he drops a breadcrumb my whole mood lifts and I feel like I have a future, then when he ignores me I feel like there is nothing worth living for....

I should be, I don't know, but I have a professional job, great salary, I have bought a house since we split, which just has a bed in it... Because what's the point, I have one close friend who I share some of this with, but can't keep going on because I don't want to keep bringing her down, and because I am so ashamed of what he has done and what I have put up with.... Am still putting up with

I pray everyday that I could just not be here anymore but I don't have the courage to make that happen....I feel like I am losing my mind

I don't know how to walk away from this. I have tried a couple of sessions with a councillor but it didn't help at all, freedom programme, distracting myself, hypnosis podcasts, meditation..... I don't know what else I can do

I know it should be simple, I know how he is treating me is really bad, and has been for a very long time, I know what I would say to a friend.

I guess I feel like I have exhausted the tools that people recommend and I still can't get myself to a position where I can take control of the situation.... I don't want to be alone, and this is hard to admit but I don't think I will find anyone... I am do lost

Can anyone offer advice. I really can't carry on like this I feel like I am totally broken

It will take time - but a great place to start is total no contact with this abusive, selfish liar who really doesn't care. Block and delete on all platforms.

And get your house sorted, put yourself in a good environment that will make you happy and you can be proud of.

Meditation, therapy? I think sometimes they just give you time and space to think about the things you need to walk away from.

Use your time to keep active, busy, productive, tired..... and spending time with people who care.

I would say there is something deeper at play here. If you are doing the ‘right’ things and nothing is helping then part of you doesn’t want to get better. It’s subconscious and will likely be something entrenched in childhood.

often we put ourselves in situations that replicate a past experience, hoping the outcome will change. I did the same thing for years. Subconsciously I didn’t want to heal. I wanted to be rescused.

I agree, you have to cut contact, it may involve hitting rock bottom but you need to be away from him, he is controlling you from a distance.

You are clearly a very able woman, recognise you achievements and reward yourself, make your home beautiful and then spend time on yourself, self care.

He sounds like a bully who is unwilling to let you go for fear of having his selfish options cut, you need him away for your confidence to return, but you are scared, that fear holds your independance and once you fully hold it your interactions with others will change, you can meet people with the knowledge you are really single.

You can do anything you want, you don't need to be waiting for that turd to ring or turn up, he is stopping you from living and it's intentional.