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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Still love my ex (sensitive topic)

7 replies

ByBrightSloth · 06/06/2024 23:48

I already know I take much longer to process things than others, but getting through a breakup that happened almost a year ago from a relatively short lived relationship has taken too long. They raped me, it took me a while to accept that it was rape. They were keeping other women on the sidelines so they could always have someone which is why I broke up with them. I know I made the best choice for me. Rape crisis explained to me that the waiting list would be over a year long, I declined as I honestly didn’t think I would be thinking about it after a year and didn’t want to be reminded about it if I was doing better then (I’m not). I don’t try to contact my ex directly or find them on social media, and they live in another place. We have a mutual friend though and I have made up a boyfriend who doesn’t actually exist to make my ex jealous and prove that another man treats me well and a lot better than he did, I even take photos of the gifts I have bought myself and say they are from him. I like to pretend that he is angry and bothered and will come and try and win me back when in reality he probably doesn’t care. When I’m out I look for him around every corner and think of him turning up in the places we would meet or go or trying to find me. He appears in my dreams/nightmares. In my imagination and in my creative writing, I create scenarios involving my ex. I am still emotionally involved with a version/idea of him that I’ve created in my head and I can’t enjoy any potential relationship with anyone because I feel as if I am being unfaithful to my ex. We had a very bad breakup, with nasty things said on both sides. But if I’m tired or feeling down my mind wanders to them and the times that they made me feel good. Is that normal?

OP posts:
Amiable · 07/06/2024 00:23

This is not normal. Have you spoken to your GP? You say you are not in a better place mentally now, and these thoughts of your ex sound to me like a trauma/dependency reaction.

Please speak to someone and get some therapy. You need to put this man behind you. It might not feel like it now, but it can be done.

SheepAndSword · 07/06/2024 00:27

No, not normal - it sounds like it has traumatised you.

Please try to reach out to someone for some help.

NetMum2 · 07/06/2024 02:25

I once had a bad breakup that took a year to completely get over him. I had a few teary wobbles near the beginning but as time went on I started to feel a lot better. I think I came to realise that he wasn’t very nice to me and so wasn’t worth wasting any more time over. Your ex sounds truly awful and you’ve been through a lot. There’s no shame in asking for professional help - you have to look after your mental health just as much as your physical health. When your doctors surgery opens in the morning I think you should give them a call and make an appointment to see a doctor. They’ll be able to give the best advice to help you feel better - maybe therapy and if you’re feeling low or anxious, maybe medication too. You need to get over this awful man. Good luck OP.

Bittenonce · 07/06/2024 10:40

It's not normal, it's not healthy, if you don't change something your head will be so messed up you'll have a breakdown.

I know because I've been in a similar place - seemed impossible to reconcile feelings I had (still have, dammit) for her and how we are together, with the abuse and deceit she doled out, struggling to deal with the truth that she just didn't care.

There's no easy answer, and the answer will be different for everyone, but you need to start by being more honest - ditch your imaginary boyfriend for a start.

Then - ? Therapy / counselling works for some people, though it's not for me. Therapy may help you to deal with being in a sh*t situation, but what you do to change that situation is what's going to keep you sane and make you happy.
Just not being alone, being with people who care and you can trust, keeping active and busy, are all probably of most benefit.

Just the fact that you've posted here means you know you need to make changes, and you probably need help with that, so that's a really great start. You're on the right path, just keep going!

Seaoftroubles · 07/06/2024 12:14

OP, Sorry this happened to you, and is still causing you anxiety and pain. It sounds like you are stuck in a a self inflicted addictive cycle of trying to prove to your ex that you are doing better, have value etc.
But you are prolonging the healing process by continually giving him headspace.
Please seek counselling/therapy to give you support and to help you break the cycle and move on. As a pp mentioned also see your GP for help and advice as medication may also help you.

Iwantacupoftea · 07/06/2024 12:34

Not as traumatic as your experience but it might help you to look at my recent thread - Oh shit! I pressed send by mistake - I am still stuck 4 years post break up but a lot of what people have said on the thread has helped me and I am now going to get some professional help to move on.

category12 · 07/06/2024 12:46

Go back to Rape Crisis and get put on the waiting list, and speak to your GP about what help is available through the NHS. (You may be able to self-refer.) Get yourself on the waiting lists.

If you can afford it, go private to speed up things. EMDR is supposed to be good with trauma.

Sorry you're going through this.

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