No quality time with my Mum

[Dev12]

Hi my Mum and I was once very close. Same sense of humour and we often thought the same on things etc and we’d talk about anything and everything. As I’ve grown older and wiser I now feel we are very different people.

I moved out in my mid 20s and have established a life with my husband and children. Done all the usual things buying and selling houses etc renovating with babies and toddlers (me doing a lot of the work) my husband has always worked extremely long hours and I single handedly looked after our small children. Not asking for a medal or a pat on the back but now I realise just how little my Mum was present with me and my babies and toddlers compared to the time she now spends with my siblings and their kids.

I have younger siblings who now have babies and toddlers and I am starting to feel like I just fit in where possible. No real conversions and if we have one it’s normally talking about one of my siblings and one of their troubles all self inflicted by poor life choices. Which I have said to my mum but it goes in one ear and out the other.

My mum I’ve had a few words here and there but she will not change how she is etc as she see’s in her mind she’s treated everyone the same.

To keep it short there are 100s of scenarios.

My first child my water broke and my husband had to get home from work. I contacted my mum and she didn’t arrive for like 4hrs by which time my husband was home anyway. At the time I was too busy having a baby but afterwards found out she was just running about getting my siblings dinner for them all despite the youngest being an actual fully grown adult.

After my husbands paternity leave I was left literally holding the baby day and night as his job is very long hours. He’d fill in gaps where he could but it was say 99% all me on my own. I don’t complain as after all I am the mum and I enjoyed every second of my babies. However now I hear my mum asking anything everything she can do for my siblings Bcos they have babies or toddlers etc and I look and feel really frustrated with it. I’m really proud of all that if did and achieve and I did it alone but it angers me now that I see her literally round my sisters by 9am every morning.

the other day she said I’m tired I’ve been ironing all day. She does all their washing and ironing why? This is for multiple siblings and no they don’t pay her. It infuriates me Bcos they just use her and i End up being snappy with her about it and she’s fine with them.

she asks us regularly for money because she always gets herself into difficult Not from extravagance but life and having no money. Luckily my life that I have built is very different to hers in that respect.

Shes asked if I could do a baby shower for my sister in law and now sister. I didn’t ever get one and no mention of it.

we get zero help with anything she always says if I can help with anything but then I can’t reach her on her phone ever and then I find out she’s just been round my siblings houses doing something. From childcare, ironing, cleaning or painting or gardening etc.

I feel I just don’t see her and do not get any remote quality time what so ever as when ever she is with me. She is glued to her phone 24/7 with one of them bothering her for something.

she always talks snappy to me and my husband and never says anything to anyone of my siblings ever.

For instance my sister blocked the toilet Bcos she used kitchen towel. do not ask me why but my mum said don’t say anything. On visiting, I thought if that was me, you’d say why did you do that. It’s obviously going to block the toilet. This is just one of hundreds of examples how she never says anything to them. At the time it meant we had to get a plunger and no one could Sue the loo whilst round.

My heating broke and I went round to have a shower at my mums and I had minimal time Bcos I had to get back for schools runs. One of my siblings who was there who lives there with her, sat there, doesn’t work other than from home and she says is it okay, getting permission if it’s okay that I have a shower before them even tho I had to get back for school runs and I wouldn’t be there if my heating wasn’t broke. That was met with my sibling saying see im more important than you and his partner was also sitting there at the time.

All I get as far as time with my mum is a text for needing money. She’ll text me late at night or she’ll see me in passing as she’s running to do something for one of my siblings.

if I ever question anything or say anything I get closed down or talked sharply too. Always snappy etc I get nowhere. They all make ridiculously incompetent decisions and and off the back of it she runs round trying to make things better or easier for them.

meanwhile nothing my end is easier ever and we get on with life as adults should and I get zero time at all with my mum.

Sorry this has happened. You must feel so let down.

Your family seems like a source of stress and unhappiness to you. I recommend a period of distancing yourself - not no contact but taking a few days to respond to requests. If she goes on about your siblings change the subject or wind up the telephone call. This will feel very uncomfortable but build your tolerance until you can emotionally separate yourself and come to terms with your family being crap.

It sounds like your Mum needs to be needed. Your siblings have worked this out and perform needing her, so they get her attention. She turns to you when she needs parenting herself, such as borrowing money.
This all sounds desperately unhealthy with you as the older child who is expected to help with parenting. I wouldn't be happy with any of this if I were you.

The problem is, its not just one person; its a whole family dynamic. All you can do is say how you feel and put some new boundaries and rules in place. But be aware, doing that will cause some upset and it could end up with you being pushed out.

Youve said your siblings made “poor life choice” and perhaps dont live ideal lifes. Do you think your mum feels somewhat responsible for being on hand for them 24/7? She’s probably knackered. Also, it sounds like you landed on your feet and have coped brilliantly, do you think she saw that and felt she didn’t need to intervene?

What TheInebriati wrote.

You are seen as capable and therefore not in need of any help whatsoever.

How do you respond to requests from your mother for money?. I sincerely hope you say no to any such request.

Hi

thank you all for your replies. It is really good to hear other people’s view points.

I grew up in a home feeling very loved by my Mum. However I had a Dad that even as a child I knew he was different with me compared to my siblings and I knew I wasn’t his real daughter. All my entire family have gone along with this my entire life. To this day I still do not know but I have said it to my Mum now in an arguement but it’s not really been addressed. To be honest if I pushed it now I know I’d get answers but I feel physically sick about it, so I don’t really want to address it yet. I’m not remotely interested in finding my father as for the better part I know my mums is so kind and she would have told him. For that, I hate him having left her and then which led into a life she didn’t want. I think my Nan made her marry someone quickly before my pregnancy was announced and my mum admits to crying on her wedding day. I also know she went back home with me and the family never supported it. They sent eve back with the sociopath.

I think as I was always supported by my Mum and cared for and the fact I grew masking that I knew that my supposedly Dad wasn’t my Dad Bcos for instance he’d take my siblings out when he had a row with my Mum which would be entirely his doing. His very abusive and I’d stay at home with my mum. Then on other occasions I would say “dad” and he wouldn’t answer me, yet answer my siblings.

I think my mum was scared to death by him and hence why we never left.

I no longer speak to the so called Dad who never was any form of a dad to me. He used for me for money and stuck about to see what I could offer him when my life was evolving and I was doing well for myself.

Everything I have now is through determination, sacrifice and hardwork. Sensible decisions when it comes to relationships and money and my own children.

All I want is to have my Mum back a bit and some nice times to make memories with my own children.

All my siblings get on with me and to some extent admire me and look up to me but none follow how I live and lived. They make silly financial decisions and some less desirable partners that they then moan about 24/7.

My mum 💯 thinks and knows I am capable. But it comes to a point sometimes a bit of company and help wouldn’t go a miss and I also get lonely but no one sees that only my husband.

I have reflected on why I am so different and I think it largely stems from having a different childhood experience to them. That in fact how the father treated me actually enabled me to actually stand on my feet very early when it comes to my emotions and I wanted to succeed. I know for a fact he hates the fact I have everything and my siblings are struggling with life.

I feel I have had to be successful and I have had to manage any situation I am in or work my way out as I don’t have people there to help or support me. I have had to find my way.

I am definitely seeing that it is a whole family dynamic that’s the problem. I do find it stressful and upsetting and although my own life should be happy I am now feeling like although I have everything good in my life I just feel such sadness now that my extended family is this way. I feel I lack anything in common because their lives are so chaotic because of their poor decisions and choices.

I just feel tinged with sadness and I’m trying to make myself feel happy about my own life but am struggling now Bcos of them. I just look and feel sad.

I feel my mum helps all of them as they’ve never had to think for themselves and because my mums was bullied by her husband I don’t see, that she see’s how she is with them and how different with me.

When growing up they always got their own ways I think and I had to even if my siblings were wrong. For instance using my things whilst I am out. I wasn’t allowed to complain and they ember got told off for using my things and if I complained I’d of had my dad yelling at me or being aggressive towards me.

So I feel my mum doesn’t know how to tell them anything after years of them growing up like that and she couldn’t say anything in fear of punishment from her husband.

Therefore whilst he thought he was being smart and clever and effectively trying to beat me down be equipped me with love from my mum the ability to see through him and what his aim was and I learnt how to handle myself. Whereas my siblings was cared for and was never made to think or go out their comfort zones.

I have given him money and my mum in the last to help and I still give my mum money now because I do love my mum very much. I can see her faults and I understand she doesn’t get it.

but there are lines of respect I feel I need to draw now.

it’s just small things like when I’m planting up my garden I’d like my mum to have a cup of tea with me and walk round a garden centre and we come back and Potter about together and she leave her mobile phone alone From the others contacting her 24/7.

All my siblings have made rash, stupid decisions some I tried to steer them in the right directions to no success as none of them can be told anything.

whereas I am very receptive to feedback.

I am looking to move away in hope I can try find some inner peace with it all and try get back to feeling happy with my own life that on paper and photos looks perfect.

I feel sadness and upset as I see now I can’t help or change any one of them and all are paths are what we choose as adults. I hope to then gain some quality time with my mum as then she can visit alone or I can schedule planned things so less or minimal interruptions occur

Your mum sounds like an entitled martyr. Don’t feed her need for validation of how unfair everything is. She doesn’t care one iota about how you feel.

Don't give cash or at a minimum put demands in place. Pay after cafe and garden centre!

Stop giving any of them any money!
Your mother is awful, running around after your dopey siblings and spending no time with you, can't believe she has the brass balls to ask you for money at all to be honest.

Gosh there are a lot of them - helping out financially cannot go well , what if DM gives one some of the money you gave her but not annother. and they blamed you or demanded more for fairness - seems a recipe for disaster.
Stop with the money lending.
Go for counselling to help you come to terms with this -the siblings and DM are a problem you cannot fix.