Stuck in a rut - sure you've heard it all before but would appreciate advice

[marmitemummy]

First time on here, been scouting around - you ladies dont mince your words! so I write with some trepidation:
Been married for 7 yrs (together for 12)to a kind, responsible,special man who is a great dad, dotes on our kids (ages 4 & 2) & was originally adoring of me too. Doesn't drink, doesn't hit me, really I have nothing to complain about. He's 10 yrs older than me, we married when I was 23. I am now 30, he's 40 and things are not easy. The sex is very very infrequent, although good when it happens. Something just feels wrong, dead, stale...is this normal? I know life with 2 small kids, financial pressure, lack of quality time together is common and probably what many of you are going through but I feel very alone in all of this. My friends are still very much single and although I would never want to be "out there" looking for mr right again and I love my children and more than anything want them to grow up in a happy, stable home with mum & dad together (which I didnt but he did) I feel a bit like "Is this it???" Turning 30 was a bummer I felt like I had no more surprises left in store, like my life is now mappd out for me. The excitement, the thrills done. I have a family, a nice home and have recently started a new career which means I can work part time at home, be with my kids yet have a little indepencdance and an interest that is mine. So all should be sweet for me, no?
Tonight I went out with some girlfriends I have known since school and we were joined by a male friend who has just separated from his wife (also my friend. I baked their wedding cake!!) Many years ago before either of us knew our partners this man & I had a 3 week fling which was HOT but was just that. The evening was great fun, lots of laughs, lots of sexual innuendo, he asked me for a lift home. I agreed and when we got to the door he invited me in for "tea". For a split second I thought about going in but a part of me was terrified at what may happen. I went straight home and felt ill when I got in. I looked at my husband who was quietly on the sofa babysitting our babies who were innocently asleep upstairs and felt so furious for even contemplating doing something to jeperdise any of that, yet on the other hand so angry that someone else could stir up all these wild, sexy feelings in me and I couldnt act on them. I cant sleep. I want to cry.
My husband & I get on, we make a good team. I am just scared that the spark has gone and may never return and if I can live out my years like that?
Christ - I read this back & sound like a whinging middle class bitch who should just shut up moaning. But do any of you feel "Is this it???"

Marmitemummy - don't have an affair. That would be the most predictable and boring thing to do. And the subsequent divorce and reality of having those kids on your own full time will become very tedious very quickly.

Maybe you are bored because you've let yourself become boring. Why don't you buy tickets to a rock concert (a young band not someone who's been around 10 years), or take up white water rafting etc. Something where you'll meet new and fun people and have something to talk to your husband about other than the kids and the house?

marmite I have been in your shoes many times! And I have been with dh for 20 years. He seems so steady and stable and I am all over the place, one day I love him, next day I can't stand him. But the grass is very rarely greener on the other side.

Try hard at injecting a spark into your marriage. Suggest a weekend or even an afternoon away. Leave the children with someone else, dress up, pretend you are on a date, flirt, remember all the reasons why you fell in live with him 12 years ago.

I don't think you can expect it to be fireworks all the time. But try and get them back with a little effort...I'm sure your dh would be up for it!

it sounds like you have a lovely life apart from your apathy egarding your relationship...but you have the power to do something about this!

There is a reason why someone coined the phrase 'seven year itch'!

Think about what has happened to you over the last 7 years - you've got married, had two babies, and started a new career. All of these are hugely significant events and in many ways an upheaval in your life.

Now these things have been accomplished, of course it will seem a bit boring!

The challenge for you now is to allow yourself to enjoy your life and the stability it would appear that you have (financial pressures to one side!)

Now is the time to reward you and your dh and celebrate what you have. Sorry if that sounds a bit cheesey.

I would start by trying to put a bit of romance back into your relationship. Do you go out with your DH? We tried very hard when the kids were little to go out at least once a week/fortnight. It's expensive becauswe you have to get a babysitter, but I regarded it as an investment in our marriage/relationship. Talk to each other, enjoy each other's company and try not to talk about the children too much (it will be impossible!). Then go home and have wild sex with him.

Seeing the other man has only provoked the feeling that the grass is greener on the other side. You have so much to lose by considering an affair.

Welcome to MN, by the way, and hope we don't treat you too badly!

We are just going thought this feeling. Or I should say I am going through this. Love my husband to pieces but do feel he has been emotionally neglecting me and have told him in the past few weeks due to other doubts etc. He had no idea I was feeling like it or that he was neglecting me .He is trying harder and I am happier. I think what everyone is saying is right. You now do need to inject something into your relationship. We have both booked tomorrow off work kids (x4) in school and nursery to spend together as it is hard to find a babysitter for 4 especially as youngest are only 2 1/4 and 10mths. We established that none of what we have been working so hard to achieve means anything if we do not look after us. It is very important to talk, communicate and spend time doing things. Especially away from home. We used to say we get time together at home when the kids are in bed but nothing beats that feeling that you are out on a date together. We probably won't do much tomorrow but just walking together in the park as lovers and friends not mum and dad will bring back such a spark. Definately advise it. I also agree that you have acheived your objectives and now perhaps don't have any to look forward to or work towards. Maybe it is time to set some more?

You say something just feels dead, stale wrong. It could just be a 7 year itch as BIWI said, but, it could also be that your relationship has run its' natural course and is coming to an end. Many relationships end like this, not because one partner is violent, aggressive, alcoholic or because there are any real 'problems' with the relationship, but just because it has run its natural course.

I'm not saying this is the case with you, only you would know that, but it is a possibility. This doesn't make you a bad person ither, or a failure, and it doesn't mean either that your children won't grow up in a happy stable home if you did leave your DH.

Where do you see yourself in 20 years' time? Would you be completely happy to still be with your DH and the relationship to be where it is now? Or would you like to see yourself in different places?

Thank you all for your helpful and clear advice. It was exactly what I needed to clarify things.

I have no intention of starting an affair. I am acutely aware of all I have and therefore all I have to lose and nothing and nobody are worth that. My family are precious to me.
We do get the odd weekend away - mabe twice a year and we dont go out enough alone together - usually its with friends but when we do we alawys have a lovely time and lots to chat about and good sex so I think that you are all very wise in suggesting that we need to just invest some time into each other and getting the spark back.
BIWI - your words rang truest to me. I have accomplished everything I always wanted in my personal life (sorry if that sounds smug, its not meant to) I do have a lovely life and I do need to just learn to sit with the stability and enjoy it.
Last night was fantastically fun. It didnt provoke felings that the grass is greener but it did take me back to those days when me and this man were in our prime and of the wild excitement and drama, stolen moments and sweaty thrilling hot sex so its no wonder that I felt a little rocky about my nice solid safe stable marriage. I plan to concentrate my energies on improving what I do have and making the most of it, I certainly have no ideas about throwing it all away for a cheap thrill with my friend who is obviously in a vulnerable place right now and maybe needs some comforting arms. I'm going to steer clear and deal with what is under my nose.
OMDB- My DH is for keeps, hes my other half. I see myself with him in 20, 30 & 40 years time. He is for keeps. It definitely hasnt run its course. I think just needs a kick up the backside.