Ex turned nasty (long)

[MovedOn]

I left my ex in 2004 and he kept custody of our son, as he is Autistic Spectrum, and I moved from Scotland to Wales, which meant we would have to reset up his support network. Our son is now 8, and until last year his dad was awful when talking to me.
Then he changed and became able to talk with me about things that were relevant to our son. He got to the point where he was ringing me up to ask my advice on his new partners (didn't want to get involved tbh).
Our son just came down for a week and was really poorly behaved. He chewed holes in all of his clothes, stank of urine as he had wet the bed at home and the pyjamas had not been washed, didn't have his asthma medication, had a gum infection, wrote on our furniture in biro, and screamed at the lo whenever he made any noise (cooing, babbling and screeching all got called "crying").
After his return to his dad, I arranged to talk to my ex tonight about the situation, and transport arrangements for the summer visit. I mentioned all these things to him, and pointed out that I have an exam in the October break when DS is next down. He immediately got defensive and started shouting about how I didn't take him last October because I was conveniently having a baby that he didn't know about till after DS told him last summer. (I didn't see how it was his business at the time, and wanted to tell DS face to face before his dad had chance to poison the situation).
He ended up calling me again and again tonight, swearing, verbally abusing my DH, and all in earshot of our son. He claimed that DS was kept up all night by lo crying (lo sleeps all night, and DS was having nightmares every night) In his last call he announced he is taking me to court again to try to stop my access rights. In Scotland, I signed a parental rights and responsibilities agreement when DS was born, thinking it would be best for DS if anything happened. It's this he used against me before, and now I don't know what to do.

I'm hugely unsympathetic to people who walk out on their children. Your son sounds as though he is terribly upset and disturbed. It's not surprising really is it?

Is there any way you could move back to be closer to your child who clearly needs a proper mum? Or is your new little family more important?

Your ex is probably at breaking point. He is not getting much support from you is he? Easter visit, a summer visit and an October visit that clashes with an exam. Is that being a mother?

do you think that maybe your son is emotionally traumatised at the fact that you abandoned him and started a new family??? he has as much right to a loving mother as your youngest child.....it sounds to me that your son just wants your time and attention, and if your new family and exams are too important then maybe you should stay out of the poor boys life

It is unsurprising that your son found it difficult when he stayed with you, as his routine had changed, and you now have another child too.

It is that you refer to him as being "really poorly behaved". As the mother of an autistic child, did you not think that perhaps the situation would be difficult for him?

TBH, I can understand your exH being annoyed that you didn't tell him directly about the fact that you were having another child, as it was bound to impact on the situation with the child you have together.

I don't know what to suggest.

Except that you and your exH will have to act responsibly to parent your son, and make his welfare your top priority.

Yes but surely no mother leaves her child unless its for a very good reason .

YOu haven't really had any input for 4 years, so if your son is so upset by visiting you I'm not really surprised his resident parent wishes to stop the visits. You have been in another country for half your child's life, and I do not think you should interfere with what his father has managed on his own. If you have concerns that he is not being cared for adequately A) take more responsibility for him - he is biologically your child, I presume, or B) call the social services and state that although you are concerned about your son's welfare, you are unwilling to be more involved with his care.

Autistic children are incredibly hard work, and you do not seem to be very aware of the reality of your son's difficulties. If you are not able to cope with him while you have care of him, I suggest you either get your partner to focus on your baby while you focus some much needed time on your needy older disabled child, or cut contact entirely. Complaining that an autistic child chews the furniture, wets the bed, and complains about the noise a baby makes when that autistic child is not only being raised in a single parent family but is your child is not likely to garner a great deal of sympathy on a parenting forum. I feel sorry in my heart for your child's father, who must be under an unbelievable amount of pressure, only to have you whining about exams when he gets the chance of some rare respite from the life you couldn't handle for a week - the life he lives every day.

I suggest if you cannot handle exams and your son - stop taking the exams.

It was a very good reason, and the only reason he is not with me is because of a loophole in the Scottish Law, that was originally put into place to stop abusive partners finding out about proceedings until AFTER a call had been made based SOLELY on the other parents testimoney. I didn't CHOOSE to leave him, I was driven out by the Ex. His current behaviour is not part of the Austistic Spectrum, it is "world according to dad", after he has been down for more than a week he gets back into normal mode. Ex has serially dated mothers of DS best friends in school, leaving him without friends when the relationships go bad. I speak to my son at least 3 times a week, and he's always fine. Every time he comes to visit I have to inform his dad abuot things to do with his health that he has ignored or not treated effectively. The courts decided that he shuold stay where he is purely on the fact that everything was set up support wise. Nothing to do with my parenting tyvm, I love him, and I am concerned for his wellbeing now.

could you not go back to court and try and sort out a residency order .

Then you need to act on it. Bring him to spend more time with you, or move back to where he lives, or call the social services about your concerns and have him live with you instead.

Chewing clothes, bedwetting, and noise sensitivity is VERY autistic spectrum.

And I am afraid fire breathing dragons could not drive me to leave my children behind in a situation that I believe would be detrimental to them.

"It was a very good reason, and the only reason he is not with me is because of a loophole in the Scottish Law, that was originally put into place to stop abusive partners finding out about proceedings until AFTER a call had been made based SOLELY on the other parents testimoney".

I don't understand that, I'm afraid. Could you please explain?

I think if you have such deep concerns about the welfare of your child, you need to apply for custody.

Or at the very least arrange for regular contact.

It sounds like your exam in October is the least of your worries.

For whatever reasons you left your son with his father. He's the main carer for your son and has been for four years.

You have a new family a long way from your son.

Your son is on the autistic spectrum and finds it very stressful to be around your baby. You seem annoyed with him for reacting like this to your baby -"cooing, babbling and screeching all got called "crying".

I'm sure that you really want to keep your access rights as you're posting about it on here, but given that, I wouldn't say to the court what you've said on here.

I just think that it is rather sad that the title of this thread is 'Ex turned nasty'.

Rather than something along the lines of 'how can I help my autistic son adjust to visits with myself, my DH and our new baby'.

If you look at it from the point of view of your ex.

He is the sole carer of your son.

You have your son to visit on an infrequent basis.

And then complain about your sons' behaviour to him, and tell him about an exam you have in October.

You also say you inform him about issues with your son that he hasn't dealt with.

It is no wonder he is defensive.

As for "His current behaviour is not part of the Austistic Spectrum, it is "world according to dad""

I thin you would maybe get some more constructive advice from the day crowd.

What about mediation? Or what about going for custody of your son on the grounds that you feel you can better meet his needs?

I think it would be good to put the things into 2 lists.....He stank of urine as he had wet the bed at home and the pyjamas had not been washed, didn't have his asthma medication, had a gum infection (assuming he wasn't being treated for it) - that's neglect on his father's part and would form part of a good case for you applying for custody.

He chewed holes in all of his clothes, wrote on our furniture in biro, and screamed at the lo whenever he made any noise (cooing, babbling and screeching all got called "crying"). That's called being autistic Chewing stuff - and eating non food items! and screaming, oh dear god the screaming! are all part and parcel. Noise sensitivity, pica, distressed by changes - it's not him being badly behaved, it's really really not.

And the fact that he is worse at first and then calms down, well, you know how much many autistic people are troubled by change - it's going to take him a while to calm down. You say his behaviour improves when he is with you - if you feel that you can help him more, and that he is better with you then you have a duty to try to get custody on the grounds that you are the more capable parent.

And your name 'MovedOn', well, you haven't moved on from your son, have you?

.