To wonder if my husband might be bi or gay?

[Dandelion925]

Hi,

so this is quite a sensitive topic. DH have been married for 1 year, together for 4 & I am currently 30 weeks pregnant with our 1st baby.

when we met our sex life was good, he’s not overly passionate or touchy feely at all. I am, but understand that everyone is different. Over the years, sex has been a huge issue for us. He rarely initiates or has wanted sex and I used to get rejected every so often (which again, I of course accepted. He had his reasons whatever they were). I gently brought this up with him and it did, for a couple of months, get better. It’s been a repetitive cycle since but we’ve managed to get into a pattern of having sex once every 10 days or so.

There were a lot of times where he would (sorry tmi) lose his erection mid sex or during foreplay & would just say sorry I can’t. Now that I’m pregnant, sex isn’t as frequent but that’s mainly because I’m so big & uncomfortable generally. A few weeks ago he was showing me something on his phone & a tab with a porn site was there. I got upset (please don’t judge, I have my reasons) & he got upset & told me that he sometimes goes to the bathroom before coming to bed if he thinks we’re going to have sex and basically masturbates until he’s got an erection. It makes me sad thinking that he needed porn in order to become aroused, rather than me. I don’t know if he’s still doing it tbh.

he told me a year or so after meeting that he’s kissed guys in the past, at parties. I naturally and curiously asked about his sexuality (could be be bi) and he got SO defensive and angry.

he is so kind and caring & looks after us in every single way but I can’t get it out of my mind that he may be hiding such a significant part of himself.

thank you for taking the time to read :)

I have been where you are. Yes, he probably is. If you can check his phone look for Grindr or other hook up apps. Check in cupboards for ‘gay’ paraphernalia (e.g. branded condoms, lube, etc.) that you wouldn’t otherwise be using. Back of wardrobes, little used coat pockets, or under jumpers in drawers.

Hi OP,

Didn't want to read and run!

I am putting myself in your shoes and trying to imagine how I would feel if that were me and I would feel a bit suspicious.

What sort of porn is he looking at or didn't you see the content?

He could well just have a low sex drive which isn't reflective of you, just the way he is perhaps? But the admitting to kissing men in the past to me would indicate he has a tendency to like both.

I feel for you this sounds tough xx

Thank you both for your messages. @Chocpot1986 i didn’t get a chance to see what porn it was unfortunately. I just saw the name of the site and something on the screen (was an open tab next to others so was quite small). I just feel so sad and quite frustrated not knowing and knowing I can’t bring it up with him because he got so annoyed that I’d even question it last time. @BananaLambo that's a good idea, I will keep an eye out for such things x

I think the fact he's kissed guys in the past is a big sign he could be bi. Also the fact he got so defensive.

I do think he has a low sex drive which is a lot of the issue but the whole not being able to keep an erection (this is sometimes not always) and me having to initiate is difficult. I did stop initiating for a while because I was getting rejected and my confidence was taking a hit. Hence why this is all such a vicious cycle

Straight, gay, no or whatever. The issue is that he can’t get arroused enough to have sex with you and it’s effecting your relationship.

You need to sit down and have a really tough conversation with him. You need to find out if this is a medical issue which has caused him to not want to even try due to knowing he’ll fail. If so you can get him to the Drs. However the other end of the scale could be that he is really sexually attracted to men and therefore sex with you isn’t what he wants. Either way you need to be asking him these tough questions otherwise you will continue in your marriage with a huge elephant in the room.

Play dumb, Do NOT say anything to him and keep tabs on his porn search history, see what he’s waking to and it will give you a pretty good idea of the stuff he’s into. I had a similar problem as you and then found in my BF phone he was active on Grindr messaging guys. Of course your case might be different. When a woman has a gut feeling she’s usually right.