Would you be annoyed by this??

[ThankFitsFriday]

A couple of weeks ago DP and I had a big argument, where I was pretty much ready to end the relationship.

Backstory is that I feel more like his mum than his partner, he’s a kind guy, but he doesn’t take initiative or control of any area of our life and relationship, everything is left to me. I told him that I’d had enough and that I needed there to be more of an equal balance if I was going to continue in the relationship, I also brought up some of the communication issues that we’d been having. He pleaded with me not to end things and promised that he would ‘step up’ in terms of the relationship and would be better at communicating.

Roll forward two weeks and I’m seriously back to considering ending things again. Last Friday he went on a football tour for the weekend, the evening before I was expecting us to spend some time together yet he decided to go swimming and rocked home late in the evening when I was in bed. He was then away Friday morning - Sunday evening, instead of coming home on Sunday evening he slept at his mums, apparently it saved him getting a taxi. Monday he worked a long shift and went straight to work from his mums, he got home Monday night when I was in bed, Tuesday we didn’t see each other as he was asleep when I left for work in the morning and when he got home from work I was asleep, same thing on Wednesday only he didn’t come home Wednesday night, he slept up his mums so that he could go straight to work from there today (his mum lives closer to his work than our house), then I’ve just found out from a mutual friend that tonight he’s at golf and won’t be home until late at night when I’ll probably be in bed, he hasn’t mentioned this to me directly.

We’ve text a bit throughout the week, general stuff like - how’s your day going?, but he hasn’t told me about these plans to not come home, I can see why he’s stayed at his mums as it’s been convenient for work, but does anyone else think it’s rude after we almost finished because I’d had enough of his poor communication?

Also, I’m a bit hurt that he didn’t seem very bothered about seeing me before or after his trip away, when I’ve gone away with friends in the past I’ve been looking forward to getting home to see DP and I recall texting him words to this effect when I was away, yet I was lucky to get any contact at all. What would you make of this? Am I expecting too much?

You don’t feel valued or appreciated and that’s enough reason to finish it.

He’s shown you who he is. Believe him.

Even after nearly losing you and knowing how serious you were about walking away he’s done F all to change or make you feel heard or valued.

Stop wasting your time on this man child as things will never change.

You’re expecting too little. If this is him making an effort to carry on being with you he’s really not that bothered. Don’t have another discussion, just tell him you’re done and work out any logistics in splitting eg the house.

It doesn't sound like you have children, but I'm struggling to see how you can live with someone who regularly just doesn't come home and NOT think that's a problem. Obviously, I completely agree - when do you actually spend time together as it's now, by my calculation, a week since you last had an actual conversation in the same room together?

I mean, what about dinner - surely as a couple you at least plan to eat together or, at the very least, one of you prepares food for both of you, even if you're going to eat separately, unless the plan is NOT to eat at home that night?

Similarly, other household tasks?

Throw this one back OP.

I think the whole staying at his Mum's thing is weird. Presumably you live within a commutable distance to his work. Why wouldn't he just come home?

It sounds like he isn't that bothered about any of the things you raised with him about improving things.

I think you should end it - he doesn't get it and it doesn't sound like he wants to change.

I used to have a man child like this - it was like going out with a 5 year old. Took no responsibility for anything (although he did work). Lived at my house (I paid all the bills) then went home to his mum all the time. One day I just lost the plot and told him I'd had enough. He just accepted it without too much of a fight which told me all I needed to know (then went home to his mum obviously).

he’s a kind guy,

But is he kind to you? It doesn't seem like he is. He is not kind, or caring, or supportive, or respectful, or even there!

I suspect you know the answer but imo if you don't have children tying you together then you shouldn't put up with this sort of behaviour ever. You are worth so much more than this

He doesn't give you a second thought and you deserve better. You're basically asking bare minimum communication on where your paths will cross or send an evening together but even though you've spoken he has shown he doesn't care. I would call it a day before you end up married with kids and nothing has changed

Time to split. You are not his priority.

I have a DD from a previous relationship, also we’re living in my house, he’s not on the mortgage.

We live about a 15 minute commute from his workplace, his mums is about a 2 minute commute so although he’s saving time, we’re not taking hours.

I used to cook dinner every evening and put his in the microwave for him, but I got fed up of this becoming an expectation so I’ve started just cooking dinner for myself and DD, unless he’s already in the house at the time of me cooking then I’ll do food for him too, but yeah he’s obliviously not around to contribute to any other chores.

I feel sad at the thought of ending it because I like our times together as a family, although those times are quite rare! He’s also great with my DD, but his rubbish communication and constantly staying at his mums, prioritising his social life over any time with me and the lack of any initiative in the relationship and feeling like I have a second child instead a partner is really making me resent him.

@ThankFitsFriday he clearly doesn't see you as a family unit op or he would make time for you and your dd.
Frankly I think he sees you as just a shag in a comfy house.

Don't forget to consider what your DD is seeing in this situation. What you are putting up with she may be normalizing.

Sleeping away from your partner and home to save 13 minutes commute is not justifiable. How can someone even try to justify this? 🤣
Coming and going like your home is a hotel to pick up dinner from the microwave isn't enough. It's just a lot of meh isn't it! You're not happy with this and you've already talked about it with no real difference. Ask him to stay with his mum permanently.