My sanity can’t take much more

[ByNimbleFox]

Feel like I’m literally on the edge today. I think I need to end my relationship with my partner of 20 years. I believe he is controlling in certain aspects, most definitely financial. He can manipulate situations and flip my grievances with him around to me saying I should take responsibility for X, Y & Z.

We had a disagreement at the weekend regarding plans that weren’t set in stone but there was something I needed to do which meant his plans would have to wait until after mine so his reaction was “you always want your own way over everything “
That massively triggered me as “THAT IS HIM” and I went into shut down mode.
I am sick of not feeling valued, being spoken down to, feel degraded which I have told him this a few weeks back - he has yet to address it
After our weekend disagreement he in turn didn’t make any attempt to speak to me. He walks around with a face like thunder. Told him 3 days ago I just can’t tolerate him anymore, not once has he said “why do you feel that way or I don’t want you to feel like that”
I'm not saying I want it all to be about me but is this because of the way he is with me that I am looking at this thinking “ well if he doesn’t address these comments from me he obviously doesn’t care”. I’ve told him before he is selfish, self centred and can be controlling and again - nothing!
He came home from work late last night and said are we going to sort this out that we try and stay together or not.
My adult daughter is currently in hospital having her first baby and I said to him, not now as I really haven’t got the mental capacity to deal with it all, his response was “so I have to wait 3 days then” face like thunder again, storming off and loudly closing doors, no kiss in the morning, no bye, no how is X getting on with the baby.
HAD A GUTFUL

so sorry to hear that, to me he sounds like he has some narcististic traits, Please have a look at Dr Ramani Durvasula book its not you, also her you tube channel has a lot of helpful information on this.

You will never have the discussion you want with him because he isn't responsible for any of it, in his mind. It is all your fault, in his mind. He is the victim here, in his mind.

his reaction was “you always want your own way over everything “. That massively triggered me as “THAT IS HIM”

His accusations are admissions. He will accuse you of doing to him what he is doing to you.

Pointing out his behaviours will only inflame him. Sometimes they will store up their resentment and your 'punishment' will apparently come out of nowhere (so it's all the more shocking when you were going through a good spell) but they've been nurturing it precisely so that it hurts/confuses/angers you all the more.

The only thing you can do, IME, is to end the relationship and get support in working through the trauma he's putting your brain through. Women's Aid are a great support. It can be extremely difficult ending this type of relationship safely, I strongly suggest you do get some support and definitely tell people you trust what he's like. Abuse thrives in secrecy.

Even if you are not in a position to end the relationship just now, WA will support you and help you with strategies in not letting the abuse affect you so much. They will not put any pressue on you to do something you're not ready to do.

Congratulations on your grandchild . I've no doubt at all that this timing is deliberate - your attention is on your daughter and the LO, not him.

Thank you, I’ve been watching Dr Ramani videos on YouTube and I agree he has some traits.
Hw just throws himself into work and once he’s done and gets home at 9pm he’s like let’s talk now.

You have 2 choices really, either go for couples counselling to help you communicate better (although this is not advised if you feel he is narcissistic and/or abusive) or agree to separate.
You clearly have serious communication problems which need dealing with and although l understand your reason for delaying, shutting down or putting off talking about it isn't going to solve anything.
There will never be a right time so best to bite the bullet and face it.

Thank you for all of the comments.
We do have serious communication issues, I find myself shutting down more and more where he shuts me down and the blame shifting often puts me in a head space of why do I even bother.
I have messaged woman’s aid who have confirmed that financially he treats me in a degraded manner, he appears to not value me and my position within the family

I relate to this. Ive alot of experience. The best way to work it out is to look at how your family, friends and collegues talk to you. My experience was with a boyfriend 15 years older who was a self centered jealous arse hole who would not let me critisize or express how i felt. Absoloutely everything got turned around and twisted back onto me.

E.G... he starts acting funny with his phone. This goes on for weeks. Hes insulting my intelligance. Hes clearly not checking the weather. Hes messaging someone back as his thumbs are tapping away and i can see!! He begins turning if off sone nights. Eventually i go on his phone with a pounding heart and hes on tinder under a fake name!! I ask about it. I get stone walled and ignored for 3 days because i invaded his privacy BUT it was also in my head!!! It was a virus or an email link. Nothing to do with him.

I have a hundred stories. Its just relentless but its not you! Hes just a pig!

Lillyroseflowers that’s awful. Honestly what goes through some people’s minds. It beggars belief!
Sounds as though you are well rid, you just get to that point where everything starts to fall into place and you think no I’ve had enough and I value myself more than to be disrespected, degraded and shit on.
With mine there has been really since we started dating little odd red flags here and there but in the beginning of a relationship you often overlook those as all the other things are so wonderful.
Over the years if someone has that tendency it can intensify and I have allowed a lot of it to happen but you eventually get to the point of no more.
Do I want to picture myself with this man in 10-15 years when my children have left home. I cannot think of anything worse than that! I also ask myself if my daughter, friend, sister was in my situation would I be saying that’s unacceptable behaviour and you deserve better - absolutely!
when I thought of those two things I knew for my own sake and future happiness what I needed to do

Sorry to hear you're miserable. If you don't want to be with him. Split up. But, if he changed into the human you used to know and love, would you consider staying?