Sister's abusive bf

[Abusivebil]

I'm at a loss as to what to do here. My sister has been with her partner for approx 30 years. He's always been an arsehole but I haven't seen him for a long time until recently.

The way he talks to my sister is appalling. He calls her a bitch and a slag, tells her to fuck off and belittles her telling her she's thick and stupid and acts like a child.

When I've heard this behaviour I've questioned her about it asking her how she feels about the name calling etc but she just laughs and says he doesn't mean it.

I heard him make some derogatory homophobic comments and brought it up last night. She said he doesn't mean it like that and he's not homophobic.

I'm at my wits end here. She's heavily in denial and I don't know how to tackle this.

You need to take a step back.

You can not help a person who does not want to be helped.

It's sad but true.

Just tell her that you'll be there for her if she needs it but you have to step away for your own mental health as you can't watch her be treated like that.

The problem is, we come from an abusive and neglectful background and I see her dissociating when he belittles her. Her way of coping with our childhood was denial. She denies everything and always seems to find an excuse for poor behaviour. I suppose it's a form of cognitive dissonance.

This behaviour has also built up over a number of years as he wasn't this way, to my knowledge before. He's a very dominating character.

Spend as much time as possible with her, away from him. Especially on things that make her feel good, like spa days or getting your nails done.

Also 'do not talk to my sister like that' any time he does it infront of you. Call attention to every time he behaves badly. She will remember you calling it out time and time again making it harder for her to disassociate.

Asking 'what was that John?' So he has to repeat the shitty thing he just said, is a useful approach too. Then look at your sister like 'why are you with this loser?'.

Also be sure she knows 'my door is always open for you love'. And send her the book "why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft.

Talk with her about abuse.
But only in short bursts. Make sure your time together is fun too.

He may kick off, he may make it harder for her to come see you. But you just reiterate that your door is always open for her.

This is excellent advice. Especially the Lundy Bancroft book.

Thank you for your advice, it's very kind

I'm concerned about confronting him because it may make the situation worse. She will probably take his side and not understand what my problem is. I'm concerned about driving her away. She's been with him since she was 19 and he's all she knows really.

If I call him out it will make family gatherings very awkward. He may stop me going to their house and put a stop to us meeting up. He has told me to keep away from her a couple of times but I've just ignored him.

I have to grit my teeth a lot due to his far right bigoted views. I find him insufferable and he used to bully me until I told him where to go. He then went behind my back and bad mouthed me to my mother, causing a family rift.

The Lundy Bancroft book is a great idea but since she doesn't see herself in an abusive relationship, she won't understand why I'm recommending it. I can't stress enough how much in denial she is. She's the same with my dad. He's a scum bag but she adores him.