Does anyone else help? No one else to talk to.

[eliayd]

Hi all
Firstly I will try and keep it short as possible.
Iv been married for 10 years nearly and I don't really have anyone to talk to
I feel really crappy atm in my marriage
Me and my husband got married and we're at first happy
We have 3 kids, last of which who was born in last year and is a baby

My husband has always been helpful around the house
Helps clean some bits and does the laundry and ironing and helping with my eldest who has SN

He does the school run as he works from home and I do to work part time and go to office 1-2 days a week

Pretty good considering

Iv always been grateful for our situation I know how tough some mum's and parents have it

I do majority of house cleaning on daily basis and all the cooking as it's breakfast lunch and dinner because eee both at home a lot do the time

I pretty much take care of the baby on my own even at night when he's up for feeds or unwell etc

I don't do deep cleaning a lot as I don't have a lot of time left in between baby naps or cooking or general cleaning

Anyway my husband had a fight with me because I said said I'm feeling overwhelmed as it is and didn't want to host family for a big dinner and he proceeded to tell me I don't do nearly as much as him around the house and kids and that he does more then any man he knows and I need to be grateful to him as he does more then I do.

When I explained but this is what I also do so how gna you say that. He says what you clean isn't even clean and proceeded to put me down

I don't know why but this one really got to me. I feel completely unseen. Unappreciated and disconnected more then I ever have to him

I spoke to him at length about it and he didn't get it. Just got moody and now we are not speaking to one another

This type of argument has happened before. But in different contexts. I always end up feeling under valued and unappreciated and this time is a tipping point. I'm not sure why.

He's a very glass half empty sort of person and never satisfied with anything. Not sure he ever will be. How do I fix this?

On your own you can't fix it, OP. This is something you both have to fix together. It boils down to whether your DH wants to try to do that and not just blame you, which is what he appears to be doing right now. He feels he pulls his weight 'more than other men do' and then proceeds to tell you that you don't do enough nor is what you do done properly. That's just not right and you deserve better as you are also running your household just as much as he is.

Is it possible you could consider couple's counselling? The way he responds to that suggestion will be telling. He needs to admit he is also part of the problem and then you both need to figure out, with professional help, how to address the issues. If he won't do this then you are unlikely to find a way forward which won't do you or your children any good as time goes by.

@CrunchyCarrot
Thanks for replying
I just can't get my head around that he thinks he deserves more appreciation than me just because he's a man and I'm a woman and it's my job to do it all.

It's weird he says he doesn't mind and likes helping me
But then he says something completely different in a argument

When I say something simple like eg I cleaned the kitchen deep clean today and he would reply something like 'oh and when js the next time you going to do it?' Because I don't often enough

He has no idea how he comes across, he thinks that's normal and having a conversation.

Is this something that requires counselling? Is that intervention needed?

When we're okay we get on fine and just get on with it and raise our kids. He's a good dad. Good provider and a decent person otherwise

He's always helped those around him and likes to be helpful but unable to see what I do at all and has all these unrealistic expectations from me

I just can't get my head around that he thinks he deserves more appreciation than me just because he's a man and I'm a woman and it's my job to do it all.

I know, that made me raise my eyebrows - he's a human being and needs to put in the effort because he has children and a wife, ditto so do you, in equal measure. He doesn't get some sort of special reward because he does more than other guys do. Allegedly!

Trouble is, he can be a good provider, dad and 'decent guy' although I'd question the latter because he is making you feel unvalued and worthless! So not that decent at all imo.

I'm sure others will be along and will not go gently on him at all! I would not either, I would be upset and angry.

@CrunchyCarrot
That's the thing
I am upset and angry at him
I don't know how long I can spend my life being married to someone who I don't ever feel like I'm enough