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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I don't know how to process this on my own.

7 replies

meliorism2 · 06/06/2024 05:47

My husband and I have been married for less than a year, together for four. In the beginning of our relationships, we had some issues, but with boundary communication he stopped. Either way, I had to rebuild trust with him, and I was able to do that. He and his childhood friend have known each other 20+ years. Her twin brother is his best friend. Their whole lives, they swapped on who had feelings for who at the time. By the time my husband graduated, he told her he could never see himself dating her (they have a 7+ inch height difference, nothing wrong with it just not his or her preference they'd agreed apparently). Anyways, my husband crossed a boundary of hers somehow and they hadn't seen each other in 7 years. Also, she had feelings for him when he dated his ex, and constantly disrespected her. Now, we are married, many years later. She started to come back around and hang out with our friend group. One night, my husband went to have a few drinks with an out of town friend he hadn't seen in months. Our roommate later called him asking him if he could pick him up. My husband agreed, what he didn't know was that this girl was with them. A month before this, I had told him that I could tell the girl still had feelings for him ( I study psychology IDK if that influences this gut feeling and observance but anyways), and he promised i had nothing to worry about. He didn't tell me this girl was there that night out of fear of me being anxious and pissed off. Back to this night, they all ended up back where my roommate and this girl were originally hanging out. When my husband went to leave, the girl followed him to grab her phone from his truck supposedly. When he went to turn around, he apparently stopped and just kissed her quick. She told me he also said he loved her. But not even my roommate can confirm this and apparently right after it happened, she only said "we kissed" and not" he kissed me and said this" or whatever. He didn't tell me for three weeks. A mutual friend told me. He said the guilt has been eating him alive since it happened, but that he knew if he told me he would leave. He admitted to being a coward about it. We are going to therapy, and our therapist says she has hope due to how remorseful and guilty he is acting overall. He's been more helpful around the house, constantly smothering me, etc. I just don't know if I can look at him the same. I keep scouring every website searching for answers. It's been a month and a half since I found out, and I still don't know what to do.

OP posts:
category12 · 06/06/2024 06:01

Sounds like "boundary crossing" is something he does a lot.

The point of a boundary is for you. Are yours squishy and might as well not exist?

RosaRoja · 06/06/2024 06:10

How do you have a husband and a roommate? Did he get in his truck after drinking?

MsDogLady · 06/06/2024 07:29

… he promised I had nothing to worry about.

And yet he kissed her the first time they were alone together, and possibly said he loved her. He didn’t come clean, so you had to hear it through the grapevine.

@meliorism2, he didn’t choose to protect his fidelity. He didn’t choose to be honest. He protected and prioritized this OW and their secret.

He’s a weak cake eater who stole your agency and consent, so it would be game over for me.

amkw · 06/06/2024 08:00

Personally, I’d let them both have each other and get out of the way. You don’t need that drama.

NetMum2 · 06/06/2024 13:15

I don’t understand how people can stay together after any form of cheating but it does happen and sometimes they appear to be happy. Would your husband be willing to completely cut ties with this woman? I imagine he’d have to cut ties with her brother/his best friend too. Would your husband do that to save the marriage? I think the fact he went out knowing she’d be there and lying to you about it speaks volumes. You were worried about the situation and had every right to be. If he wasn’t married to you, would he be with her? I also wonder if he’d be the same with another woman in the future. If it was me I know I’d be incredibly anxious!

DaisyChainsandSunnyDays · 06/06/2024 13:23

I'm so sorry but people show you who they really are. This boundary crossing is a pattern. I would not waste time to be an extra on their version of 'One day'

Starlight1979 · 06/06/2024 14:21

WTF?! Are you all really young?! Why do you have a roommate if you're married? Honestly couldn't make sense of most of the post but I would say you don't trust him so in my opinion, that's the beginning of the end...

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