Please help me find the bravery to do it

[MassiveMugOfTea]

I need to split from my husband. We have two young kids, work full time and logistics is hard. My husband has been neglectful and at times nasty and spiteful. Tonight he has barely acknowledged my existence. I feel so alone

I decided that I couldn't go on like this 6 months ago and I'm still in the same position. I think once I tell him he may go AWOL or at least become v v unreliable (not turning up to pick up kids, not replying to me). Every week passes and I haven't done it. I'm scared about what will happen. I have fears he will run off with the kids but I'm sure I'm being paranoid

Any advice for how to do it? Stories? My H is mainly a sensible man (doesn't drink or shag around) but can v v petty and revengeful when he feels he's been mistreated. I really fear for what may come about and then having to continue to live together. I feel sick at the thought of it all.

Please help!

From your description, he sounds like he may react badly so you need to plan for that.

I guess the best thing you can do is assume he’ll be as obtuse as possible and go out of his way to be difficult.

Maybe I should book time off work. So if he disappears or becomes v difficult I know I can be there for the kids doing all picks ups and clubs etc.

Have you done it before? Do you just sit them down? I can't bear it!

Can you get some legal advice about the best way to approach this? You need to make sure your kids are protected and not stolen by him.

Also, can you start making preparations now about contingency childcare etc so you’ve got a plan in place. Personally I wouldn’t trust him to pick up the kids. Make sure if they have passports that you have hidden them.

Taking time might be useful and also give you a timeline.

My ex tried to pull a fast one on me so I made sure his parents knew what was going on at all times as he wasn’t talking.

Telling the kids - see if you can do it together and with love, for their sake.

It’s incredibly hard but you’ll get through it.

The kids are v young. They will be told but they won't fully understand. I wish I could say we will do it together.

My main worry is that he will tell the kids mummy hates our family etc - which they will understand (they are 3 and 4). He already makes slight comments like this anyway. It's the fear and guilt of how confused and upset they'll be by these kind of comments that stops me doing it

I actually think they would adapt well to 2 homes but they won't if they're being told "mummy hates family" every day.

@MassiveMugOfTea

First things first, you need to see a solicitor to find out what divorce will mean to you financially and what you might expect as far as child access goes. Be able to present a basic 'picture' of your family finances & assets. The solicitor won't be able to tell you exactly what your situation will be, but they can often give you a general picture of what the courts may do. If you have a serious concern that he may take the children then ask about what preventative steps the courts can put in place to prevent that.

As a general rule, there is nothing the courts can do about a man (or woman) who simply decides to be an asshat about carrying their end of the co-parenting duties. The best thing you can do is try to find a support system to help you pick up the slack, such as friends & family. Also price child minders and after school care, if that applies.

I don't know about the UK, but in the US court orders are often issued stating that one parent cannot disparage the other and that if they do child access may be affected or reduced to supervised visitations. I don't know if the UK does this but it may be worth asking.

As far as what you tell your children, keep it simple; "Sometimes mummies and daddies just don't get along anymore. When that happens it's best if they don't live in the same house. They both still love their children and will always do their best for them". If your children are old enough to have had a spat with a friend you can tie that in "Just like how you and Susie/Billy weren't getting along so you don't play together anymore".

Main thing is go quietly. Say nothing to him. Get your questions answered, your ducks in a row, then make a plan.

Agree with @AcrossthePond55 - you can’t control what he says but you can try to manipulate him a bit into doing what’s in the best interest of the kids and ask him to agree to shield the children. He probably will forget but parental alienation is taken seriously by the courts so you need to be the light that shines through that darkness. Never disparage him but also don’t be making excuses for him. It’s super hard if he behaves like that but very possible.

Sorry that you are in this position. I think booking time off work sounds like a good idea for all sorts of reasons. Is there family/friend you could stay with if necessary? Will this be totally out of the blue for him?

The courts take parental alienation very seriously so if that starts happening, there will be recourse.

Ultimately there isn’t going to be a perfect time. You just need to do it. Is he likely to be violent at all? If so, I’d consider getting out first.

All good advice.
The better prepared you are the better.
Reach out to family and friends for support.
Will work be supportive?
Be honest, he is very nasty at times and you are very nervous of him and how he will react.
This is abusive.
The better prepared you are financially the better.
By anticipating him being very difficult and being as prepared as you can be, it will help you deal with everything.
Use the energy and focus you have now to plan, plan, and plan. That will help you feel stronger by taking back some control.