Almost 40 and questioning sexuality

[Whoevenisthis]

Since my 4 yr old child was diagnosed autistic, and spending the last two years learning everything I can about Autism, I suspect that genetically the neurodivergent genes are from my side and I am in fact highly masked autistic myself. I have many autistic traits and so much of my life and how I feel about socially presenting myself to different streams of friends/family/colleagues and discomfort in being perceived is down to layer upon layer of masking.

I may seek a private diagnosis at some stage, to understand myself better and also to be able to tell my autistic daughter that I am autistic too when/if she is able to comprehend. But in amongst all of this navel gazing I've been thinking back through my childhood, teenage years and early adulthood. Attempting to make sense of some of the things I've done. I'm now wondering if I have masked as heterosexual all my life when in truth I am actually bisexual/queer?

In primary school I kind of fell in love with a friend and sexually experimented (consensually) with 3 girls who were my friends. Then at school a friend was infatuated with me but I nothing ever happened, even though I enjoyed the idea, as I was hypersexualised towards boys in order to 'be liked'. Then from college up until my mid 20s I had 4 encounters where i came on to female friends. I drank a lot at this point in my life, sometimes to the point of blackout. Even though I was on drink or drugs during these events the sex/kissing was organic and passionate. I think maybe the genuine urges surfaced when I was drunk.

I got into a relationship at 25 and we're still together, married with kids. But we haven't had sex or been romantic with each other for almost 5 years now. We are more like house mates and Co parents. I am happy to stay together as we are a happy, functional family unit. And my libido is so diminished by exhaustion, hormonal changes and lack of sex that I'm not bothered about that area of my life right now.

Can any other highly-masked autistic ladies relate? Do you think I'm actually queer and should explore my sexuality later in life?

It does sound as though you are same-sex attracted for sure. And the fact you had to be drunk as you got older to engage with that part of yourself does, as you say, suggest you were masking that part from even yourself.

It’s a shame that our society still tells us that heterosexuality is the right way and that same-sex attraction is something to mask if we want to be perceived as ‘normal’. But it seems that’s what you felt you had to do in order to present as the person you wanted to be.

As to your questions at the end, these speak to a dissatisfaction within your current relationship and that’s a separate issue. I would focus on your relationship first and foremost and discover whether it’s in everyone’s best interest to stay together. Don’t be distracted at this point by who else you might prefer to have a physically intimate relationship with if the situation were different. That’s a red herring at this point as you’re in a relationship with someone so it’s this that needs your focus right now.