I'm feeling so lost and confused. My mum passed away a few months ago and she'd be the person that I would go straight to but I no longer have her to give me her wisdom and advice.
I need to apologise in advance for the lengthy message I'm about to send. If you get to the end without giving up, then thank you!
I need some advice please, Im not sure where to start. I've been with my husband since we were teenagers so, around 23 years. We have an adult and a teenage daughter. We have remained completely faithful and have 100% trust in each other. We have a comfortable financial life together. My husband is a great provider and works very hard, which I've always appreciated and thanked him for. He is the type of person that is really thoughtful and has always treats me to things that I want. This can be great, but I'm a believer that money/gifts can't fix everything and he thinks this is proof of how much he loves me. We've had a very happy marriage for the most part but there have been a few times when Ive struggled with his moods and depression. If he's not feeling great mentally he can very snappy with me and I get the brunt of his moods. I feel like I walk on eggshells and don't enjoy his company as he is very negative about everything. A couple of weeks ago I said I'd had enough and I didn't want to live like this anymore and that I was struggling with losing my mum and he was making me feel worse as he was in a constant bad mood. He hates talking about anything wrong in our relationship and always has. He takes everything as criticism and looks at life in a generally negative way. I'm not like that and feel it wears me down. My mum got diagnosed with terminal cancer just after her 59th birthday I know all too well life is short and it's changed my outlook on a lot of things. I've realised recently that I'm bored with our relationship, theres no spark. I went on holiday without my kids and husband a few weeks ago and I was surprised to hear a few people that have known me for years, say that I was a different person when I wasn't with my husband! My husband is quite jealous and has always been so I'm not as outgoing or flirty when he's there as I don't want to annoy or upset him. After that was said to me, I started to realise that Im quite boring around him, hes quiet and not at all outgoing or very much fun. I've started thinking that maybe it's time to call it a day but I'm so scared I'm making a mistake and I lose a really good man. He's not perfect but no-one is. I care deeply for him and I would hate to hurt him because I'm not sure how I feel. I'm so confused! I want to live little and do things that I missed out on. I want to do something exciting and new. Am I being selfish? Is this down to the total and utter loss I feel at losing my mum. I feel I don't know anything anymore, but I don't want to upset my kids or husband ever but dont feel I know my own mind. Ive always been a people pleaser and do what the right thing is whether I want to or not.