How to argue

[Doughnut100]

May I preface this by saying that our relationship is great, and he is a good good man. Please no LTB etc. We just have different ways of coping and they don't match. We also don't argue often, but when we do it isn't good, and we aren't modelling good behaviour to the kids. Most of the time we are able to sort things out way before it gets to this.

--

When my dp gets angry or upset and we are arguing he shuts down and needs to calm down, think it through and talk about it later. If we are in a situation where for example we need to have dinner with our kids he wants to stop talking about it and pretend everything is fine while we have dinner. Obviously nobody is fooled and there is a toxic atmosphere. He tends to say something angry that makes me want to defend myself, and then shut down and refuse to talk so we can sort it out. Obviously if he could just not say the angry thing in the first place life would be peachy but unfortunately we are human. Basically he is terrified of big emotions, has childhood trauma etc. Was sent to boarding school aged 8 and told to suck it up, stiff upper lip vibes.

For me, when we are arguing I need to discuss it and sort it out right away. If this means talking angrily and being emotional, then so be it. So when dp wants to stop talking about it, my thoughts swirl and I feel sick. I get very dysregulated, I want to cry and shout. I get angrier and angrier and my thoughts get more drastic and hyperbolic, imaginary arguments are running through my head, with every second that passes that we're not having it out, I'm having it out in my head so much worse and getting more and more upset. (My family was a warzone with constant conflict and shouting.)

Has anyone else got a relationship difference like this and has figured out how to deal with it? We literally have no idea what to do. I have tried doing it his way and sitting at dinner while he pretends to be happy with the kids and it feels INSAAAAAAAANE. He has tried doing it my way but we end up having bad arguments where he says stuff he doesn't mean because he's in a bad mindset and isn't ready to compromise.

To me every option other than just sorting it out straight away is sending confusing and upsetting messages to the kids. But he can't do it my way. Does anyone have the same situation and has worked out a hack?

No advice but marking place!

As long as he’s not stonewalling you and is just generally taking time to think things through and you can talk in private later I wouldn’t worry…:
I don’t think you should be having it put in front of the kids….id work on trying to regulate your emotions, go out for a run, get a punch bag….sometimes it’s not good to keep going in the heat of the moment when you’re feeling emotional.

We don’t have kids but I always try to avoid arguing in front of friends and family, as it would be awkward and uncomfortable for them. Surely similarly with your own kids?! I would want to quietly agree to discuss later and try to move conversation along.

Arguing is utterly pointless and only ever causes upset.

You need to find a way for you both to communicate more effectively.

One method is to acknowledge what has been said without rising to retaliation. For example: "So, you're upset because of X. I hear you. What can we do to fix that?"

What kind of things are you arguing about?

This is my exact approach to try and sort it out. I'm like wow, you're angry about that, I validate his emotions (thank you Janet Lansbury), I try to explain where I was coming from if there is a misunderstanding, find common ground, understand why he thinks what he does. But he stops me and won't let us discuss it. THAT's when I get angry because I'm like, hold on, we could just sort this out but instead you're lobbing a grenade at me and then running for cover and leaving me with all these emotions.

The last one was ages ago and he was angry because he didn't get time to do the DIY he wanted to do because I said I was having a hard time with the kids, so he stepped in to help instead of completing the job. Then he was angry because he felt like he never gets to do what he wants. I wanted to say - hold on, if you had asked, shall I help or shall I do the DIY, I would have said do the DIY! But he assumed, and then got angry about it. Esther Perel says choose guilt over resentment...

Anyway my problem is I can't regulate my emotions! They swirl and get worse and worse, and my brain melts. How do I learn? I do understand that his approach of going away to calm down is 'better' but for my brain it doesn't work, it gets less and less calm the more time that passes.

You might want to think about getting some counselling for that. Inability to regulate one's emotions can be a real kicker to a happy relationship.