Brother unhappy, says he is stuck

[Sunnyskies105rocks]

Hi all, my brother is 40, has been with girlfriend about five years, she is 33, she has a diagnosed mental illness and he has always told me that he struggles with the relationship, for three and a half years he has told me he isn’t happy, he doesn’t know what to do, he feels mentally exhausted, he says people at work have noticed he’s changed, but they do not have any children any property together or any ties. He just seems so unhappy but he doesn’t end the relationship, he does however call me and ask me what to do. I am scared to tell him to end it, even though that’s what I think he should do, but I can’t bear to see him suffering any more and I think at 40 I don’t want him to miss out on having a family. I am scared that he feels responsible for her because of her mental illness. But I am also concerned that there could also be other issues at play such as fear of commitment or fear of being alone on his part. But he really never has anything positive to say, about a year ago he told me that he thinks she has moved in, they didn’t even discuss it, she just gradually moved more and more stuff into his place and stopped ever sleeping at hers. Should I tell him to end it? Or what advice can I give him? He seems so lost.

Well if you think he should finish it, why are you afraid to tell him to end it if he's asking you what you think he should do?

Goodness! He’s been asking you for advice for years yet you are afraid to give it to him?!?!?!

Be honest, tell him that he is not a mental health professional, he isn’t a carer and he is not responsible for this woman’s welfare.

He can pull back safely and kindly - go and help him figure out how to do it.

Then show him how to block people

Sounds like he's become a boiled frog and desperately needs his gut instinct validating, by hesitating you could be stoking his doubts and helping him stay stuck.

Honesty is best, tell him what you really think.

I guess I’m scared that he might end up alone! Even though he’s so lovely, but you never know what life has planned. What if he didn’t meet anyone else? :(

maybe I’m projecting my own fears. I was also always unable to end relationships

This is a NO BRAINER!!!
he is probably scared of breaking up because finding someone else is difficult sometime.
please please tell him not to waste another second if he’s unhappy. Life is too short!!!

You're never more alone than when you are in a relationship which is such a bad fit it is reducing you as a person in front of everyone's very eyes! His colleagues have noticed a negative change!!

Tell him he only has one life and time is swiftly passing him by.

If he's unhappy then only he can make a change in his life and the relationship is clearly not making him happy.

It's also unfair on his girlfriend that he doesn't want to be with her but is just hanging in there.

Neither of them have the chance to find lasting happiness whilst stuck in limbo with each other.

He needs to get his finger out and be proactive in taking control of his life.

Thanks for the advice. Any specific advice on how he should do it? How can he do it safely and kindly? Thanks!

He just needs to state clearly that the relationship has reached it's end and they need to arrange to divide their lives and he wishes her well for the future but their future is not together.

Send him to a therapist counsellor he needs help but he needs to make the decision for himself .
It has to be the decision he comes to

Why are you scared to tell him to end it when he’s asking for your advice? Of course he should end it when he’s so unhappy. He’s not responsible for her mental health, if he’s unhappy life is too short to just stay

Well he can tell his gf that at the current time he is feeling that he wants to focus upon himself and he has felt unfulfilled for a while.

He can say he requires space to work out what he wants to do with his life.

I cannot believe you would rather your brother had someone so unhealthy for him rather than him be emotionally well, happy & single!

He should pack up her belongings before she arrives too

Then after the conversation he can say if he changed his mind about things he will get in touch

Surely it’s better for him to be alone than to have a family with someone who isn’t well mentally? The toll on him could be huge if they have children and his gf remains unwell and he’s trapped in an unhappy relationship because of the kids. If you then say to him oh I always thought you should end it but I never told you that, he’s going to think why on Earth didn’t you say something. He’s literally asking you, he wants your opinion, not you saying stay with her so he’s not lonely. This is madness

I can't imagine his situation will improve with her. He can't seem to make a decision himself, so I think counselling will help him to see things clearly.

Life on his own is not the worst case scenario.

Yes when you say it like that it seems absurd. I am afraid that he will be more unhappy if he has no one. But yes I completely see your point.

How about leading questions “what do you get from your relationship with x? You seem so unhappy when you talk about her and your relationship, but it feels like there must be positives for you or you’d have left her.”

or “you’ve been telling me you’re unhappy for years, you know nothings going to change unless you change it, right? Do you want to keep having this conversation year after year?”

“do you make each other happy? It doesn’t sound like either of you are happy and being together doesn’t seem to improve either of your lives, but then I’m not in the relationship so I don’t know what it’s really like.”

so if he responds with something along the lines of saying he’s not happy/he gets nothing from the relationship/he doesn’t know why he’s with her - then say something like “I think I’d have left years ago.” You aren’t telling him to leave, you’re saying you’d leave. It’s a small difference but enough if you don’t feel comfortable telling him to leave.

Well if he ends up alone he may be happier than he is with her.

He’s asked for your advice. Tell him what you think !

He’d be happier alone. Someone who makes you miserable is not second best to someone who makes you happier than you would be alone.

plus, decent women wouldn’t want to be the OW so while he’s in the shit relationship he’s missing opportunities with nice women.

Is it a mental illness like schizophrenia or mental health issues like anxiety? What is it she's got?

What's so bad about ending up alone? You say it like it's a fate worse than death. I'd much rather be alone than in an unhappy, unhealthy relationship.

There's nothing wrong with being single. It's a valid and respected life style choice as is being child free

I think both you and your DB suffer from the same issues. You are bad at ending things in case you are alone. Well, if that is the alternative, it's about time you got that being alone, is better than being with the wrong person, every single time.
What if he does end up alone? That is an improvement.
You seem to think being in a couple is the only aim in life.

@Sunnyskies105rocks be careful of your wording!!! tell him to end the relationship but do not tell him to end it!! we dont want him to do anything stupid! he sounds like he is having mental problems of his own. he needs to look after his own mental health and his healing comes first!!

Encourage him to leave this relationship because it is not making him happy or fulfilled and is dragging him down. Do it now before their lives do become more financially tangled (seeing as she has moved in by stealth) or there are any children involved.

It is sad she has mental health problems but he doesn’t owe her his future. It is not his job to fix or look after her. Is ending up alone worse than being in a relationship that leaves you unhappy and stressed?