what would you do?

[excitednewnana]

we have an 8 year old Grand Child we are not allowed to see, he lives with his mum and new husband and they have a baby between them. it's whole hot mess about why we can't see him which i wont go into, but we still send gifts for holidays and birthdays etc.

so, out of the blue my DH got a message from grandchilds mum asking if we can babysit for grandchild. bearing in mind we have not physically seen or spoken to this child now for a good 5 or 6 years.

turns out, they want to go on holiday, they want to take the youngest child but not our GC. apparently they have a room in a hotel which will only sleep 3, so there no room for GC, and her mum and dad are going with them also but they have refused to put a 3rd bed in their room?

i'll be honest, as much as i would love to see the GC, i feel all of this is an horrific mess and is only going to end in disaster.

WWYD

Is mum your DD or former DIL?

complicated reply.. mum is ex-GF of stepson! i will be honest i do not get on with SS, and he would not allow his dad (my DH) to see his GC unless he broke off the relationship with me!

How long do they want you to look after your GC?

DH and I live 2 hours from our GD who is 7; we see her often and look after her often but can go a couple of months without seeing her.

Earlier this year we looked after her for 5 days whilst her parents went on holiday. It was about a day too long her our GC to be away from her parents, she was crying for her Mum during the final day; this is a child we know well and have a good relationship with.

Given that your GC does not know you, I think it will be too hard for the child and won't really help to build a good relationship. Coupled with the fact that your GC may resent the fact that their family have gone on holiday without them but taken their sibling.

Hard as it may be I would say no as I think it can only end in tears for you and your GC

So you are step-grandmother to the child of 8, is that right? It does seem a very difficult situation. Does your step-son know that his ex-gf has asked your DH about this?

Cross posted. Given your difficult relationship with SS. I would definitely say no.

If there is to be contact between the child and its grandparents, this isn’t the way. I think your DH would have to speak to his son about contact, otherwise you risk a whole load of drama in the families.

When are they going on holiday?
If its a way off ..id ask if you can see DGC regularly in a run up to the holiday so DGC gets used to you. Otherwise youll have problems. Id also say that youd like to also see DGC after the holiday on a regular basis.

You are basically strangers to this child.
I would tell ex DIL (GF or whatever you want to call her) that you would be delighted to have grandchildren for the holiday period however you need to get to know her first. Can you meet up so that you are not strangers.

Does the grand child know you? Would he remember who you are?

I get the impression that his mother is attempting to use you because it suits her? She's being bloody unfair to the children - effectively saying their biological child can go on holiday but the other one can't and coming up with a load of cock and bull as to why. I mean, why didn't they arrange accommodation for all of them?

Can you suggest something like having regular contact so it wouldn't come as such a shock to the GC if he was to stay with you while they're away? TBH, her reaction to that suggestion would probably tell you which way the wind's blowing (using you, or not).

Personally I think it's bang out of order for her to approach you with this request given that you don't see your GC but I can understand why you're considering it.

Not sure what I'd do in your situation. I'm torn between telling her to shove it because you are basically a stranger to GC and she's just a using cow, and agreeing to it because it might open the door for more frequent contact in the future.

It’s very unfair on the GC that they’re basically being excluded from the family holiday and trying to be palmed off to GP who they don’t have a relationship with.

As much as you’d like to have a relationship with GC you and your DH are being used now that it suits the mum.

If she was asking for you to babysit for a night it wouldn’t be so bad, but for a week while she jets off on holiday for a week(?) is unacceptable. If it was me I’d say no, I’d suggest trying to get to know the child first and then maybe build up to sleepovers.

when we last saw the GC we were building bridges, we had by passed SS and had arranged to see him once a month at first, in company of mum and step dad, and we managed a couple of visits until SS stepped in and basically forbade (yes forbade) his ex to let us see the child. so contact after that stopped.

we do no know why biological dad cannot have the child, its very complicated and part of me wants to accept anything thats offered, but then part of me has only just healed emotionally from the last eposide and i dont think my heart can stand another bout of getting to know him and then having him ripped away again.

i think on this occasion i need to say no, and i know this is cutting of my nose despite my face, and i have to hope that it means GC does get to go on holiday because they will have no other choice.

it makes me very sad

That sounds tough. Maybe think of it another way - your GS could end up being hurt and confused if he's caught up in a game of "now you see me, now you don't".

His mother shouldn't be using him as a weapon. She sounds devious and selfish.

I am so sorry, it must be very sad for you. However they are just trying to use you now and there's no guarantee you'd see the child afterwards anyway.

Given you haven't seen the child for so long then I don't think it would be comfortable for them to stay with you unfortunately. How sad for them that they have such shit parents.

Poor child.
Your SS sounds awful.
Very controlling, still ordering his Ex about.
How does this SS figure in your daily lives?
Does your SS see his son regularly?
Does your husband want a relationship going forward with his grandson?
If he does then this could be that chance to start over with regular visits before the holiday.
Will the Ex commit to you seen the child AFTER the holiday?
Whh is your SS getting to control you all?

there is a very complicated back story i wont bore you with but i'll try answer your questions;

-SS no loger figures in our daily lives. We know he has told his ex-GF not to let his dad see the child because she told us this.
-Other family members tell us SS see's his son very occasionally and we have recently been informed that SS has given permission for his ex-GF to change sons surname to that of his mum and her new husband.
-DH would love a relationship with his GS.
-I cannot comment on why SS controls everyone else, he does not control us, but he does seem to still control his ex-GF and her mother and for unknown reasons they are happy to comply with his commands.
-We have considered the courts but sadly we have no rights as grandparents.
-Both myself and my DH work 24/7 shifts, there is not enough time between now and the holiday to 'get to know' GC.
-If i am honest, i suspect that as soon as the holiday is over and done with, we will be dropped again like hot rocks. I am not emotionally able to keep getting picked up and put down on a whim.

I know you are wondering what kind of person i must be for someone to have such a reaction to me. SS has many many issues, when i met his dad, SS took a dislike to me because he was unable to manipulate me and i would say 'no' to him and see through his lies and deception. One example, i needed a new car, my DH got a really good deal on finance. The finance was in DH's name but i paid the payment every month. SS wanted to know why his dad had bought me a car and no matter how we explained that his dad hadn't bought me a car he had simply facilitated the finance for me. SS who was an adult male at the time accused his dad of 'picking her (me) over him'. a very very troubled man!

That poor child. Wtf why cant they accommodate the child. This is so wrong

i hope that child is ok on a day to day basis. If theyre not allowing child to go on a family holiday, what else is child restricted to over their bio kid.

you cant do right for doing wrong in this situation however id probably say yes but with a view to starting up contact again (without SS knowing)

I suspect SS wont know the request has been put to us, and i very much doubt it will be kept from him.

I'm of a mind to agree, but with the terms that we are allowed a relationship moving forward, but then when the holiday is over, if ex-GF then pulls the plug again where are we left?

We can only hope the child is ok day to day, I've considered calls to social services, but then stopped myself because that just seems petty, for all we know he has a lovely life etc.

i hope he has a lovely life but its very odd for them to leave him out like this. A family holiday 🤨

This is a sad situation with the older child being excluded from the family holiday. That is truly awful.

I think you are right to say no. Would be very difficult for the child as they don’t know you very well, it would also bring it all back to you and there would be no guarantee you’d ever see the child again afterwards - that would be distressing for them and you.

@excitednewnana

I really feel for you, this is such a sad situation.

I think I'd have to speak to the mum and ask her what she sees 'going forward' before I agreed to having DGC whilst they're gone. I know she could (and probably would) promise the moon and then renege, but I'd still make her say to my face that contact will be ongoing. But if by some chance she were honest enough to say that it would only be for this holiday, I'd have to say no. She can't have her cake and eat it too.

I think at this point you really don't know why you aren't allowed to see him. Sure, it could be your SS 'laying down the law' although I agree with some PPs, it's odd for him to have such power over her, unless he's paying major child maintenance. Especially since he doesn't have regular contact with the child. But it could also be the mother or the stepdad, especially if they're trying to form a 'nuclear' family unit (them, her family, his family).

Quite horrendous that a mother would leave one of her children with a relative they barely know, while holidaying with their sibling. How on earth a child will ever get over that I don't know, that is a lifelong damaging act. I think for the child's sake you should decline so hopefully they will be forced to take him. However, while declining, it also needs spelling out to her how horrendous the suggestion is it seems, as somehow she has not worked this out herself.
Could it be that your SS ex has just swapped one controling man for another? It would explain her awful lack of care for your GC if it's come from her partner, however, even then it's not great that she'd put a man's wishes before her DC's welfare.
Unfortunately, I fear this will be the tip of the iceberg and your GC probably is growing up as a 3rd wheel in his house, that is really sad. I actually think that if you find out she has left her child with an alternative person and gone on holiday regardless, you should report it to social services, it's really not on.

OP, it sounds very difficult and you are not unreasonable to want to protect yourself.
It reads as if that child is a complete afterthought. Hard to believe a mother would dump a child like that for a holiday..
I think you are wise to be wary, but it is very sad.

I'd say yes on the basis contact starts immediately and arranged on a regular basis. The situation sounds difficult but in your shoes I'd be a pillar of support if only for the child's sake.