Help me navigate ending long term relationship

[twistedtruths]

My relationship needs to end after nearly 10 years. We have one son together who is nearly 2.
I’ve felt this way since before i was pregnant, I was going to end it but then we had a big chat and both agreed to make more effort.

Yet here we are, both miserable. I am a nag, boring, never want to do anything, apparently.
He is (in my opinion) unsupportive, lazy when it comes to parenting and doesn’t prioritise family time.

I’m embarrassed I’ve continued to stay so long. I had awful postpartum depression so I guess I just didn’t want a confrontation to add to my list of woes.

He doesn’t listen to anything I say, it’s like having a second son. I am aware the tone I take a lot of the time is unkind and there’s no excuse. I feel so frustrated having to beg for “help” with things. (It shouldn’t even be classed as helping as it’s just general household stuff)

I feel so alone a lot of the time and feel I may as well be a single mum because it would be one less person to worry about.

I feel a lot of resentment for the way I was treated while pregnant and on maternity leave. I get random flashbacks to events and they are reducing me to tears. This sounds awfully dramatic because he’s certainly not abusive, they highlight a pattern of being taken for granted and enabling his life to continue how it was pre-parenthood.

Just looking for support or words of wisdom. We have a house together, our son, pets. I don’t know how to navigate this. I don’t want to discuss it with my family. I feel like a massive failure and like I’m about to ruin so many lives with the ripple effect of ending it.

You are not a massive failure. I was with my ex for 17 years and when I look back now, I cannot believe I stayed with him that long. You are also not ruining anyone's life. You will benefit greatly from this, as will your son (I am sure). As for your husband, well he has had plenty of opportunity to make changes. Have you had the discussion with him yet that you want to separate? When I split with my ex, I was lucky that he agreed to move out of our jointly owned home (although on condition I had to pay the whole mortgage!!) but I suspect this was partly due to him not wanting any of the hassle of selling the house. I then put the house on the market, sold it then rented for a year before buying on my own. Would you have to sell the home? Do you think he would move out?

You are far from a failure and the relationship has run its course for all the very valid reasons that you have given and incidentally you sound very sorted in your head! Failure would be staying for the next 10 years.

As PP has said, you need to have that conversation with him, but also be clear in your mind what outcome you want. There’s always a ripple effect initially when you split but it will settle and your son is young enough to adjust and settle into his new life.

Whose lives do you think you're going to ruin @twistedtruths ? You won't ruin your life will you? Because you'll be happier without him. You won't ruin your son's life because he's only 2 and as long as he's loved, cared for and has a good relationship with you both will be absolutely fine (likewise with pets!), and not your DP /DHs because if you're unhappy then he's likely unhappy too.

I would actually say it's far better to leave now whilst your DS is still so young and doesn't have to grow up in a house full of resentment, arguments and bad atmospheres.

I was in the same situation OP, my son was a little older at 3. The relationship was horrendous for a couple years, by the time I ended things we had only spoken cursory greetings to each other passing in the house and communicated about DS when necessary, for 6 weeks, it was hell. I wanted to talk, he froze me out. I packed my bags one day and he was completely shocked, I don't know how.

It was different for a few years, we were very enmeshed after 10 years, I lost friends, I moved house, but... it was honestly the best thing I ever did for me, and definitely for my son.

It's always better to step back sooner than later and reassess, don't be in the same situation 10 years further down the line. And your son is probably at a good age to really adapt to 2 parents, though I know things are more complicated than that sometimes.

Thank you for your kind replies, I feel a bit better after reading them and certainly less alone.
To answer a few questions:

Last year I stopped asking for any support (“nagging”) to see what would happen and he did absolutely nothing. So then I told him I wanted to break up. He became very upset and was blindsided. He promised to change. Looking back, I should’ve stuck to my guns because by that point I’d checked out emotionally. Things did change for a while but now it’s slipping back to old ways.

I can’t afford the mortgage alone, we would have to sell. The issue is we would have to live together until that went through. Has anyone been in that position before? It’s not ideal but we have a spare room at least.

My argument previously was about how our son wouldn’t remember this and it’s better than living with parents who resent each other. He grew up with parents not together and he doesn’t want that for our son. I just think he should’ve tried harder if he wanted a family unit.

I hear you all loud and clear and a year ago I said to myself I don’t want to be in the same position this time next year, yet here we are.

Has anyone got advice on how to approach the conversation? Perhaps last time I was focused too much on everything I felt he was doing wrong.

I was in a very similar situation OP. You are not a failure, and you're absolutely not the only one. You know what is a failure? Spending your one short precious life feeling like this. The divorce rate has risen because women are now capable of driving, earning money, voting, and there's an option not to live as somebodys miserable domestic appliance for the whole of your life. It's ok to take the option, becaues you don't want that for yourself. It is perfectly reasonable to want more for yourself.

I would one hundred percent agree that if you know you are out, then the sooner the better as far as DS is concerned. By the time he is 10 he won't remember you being together and it will be normal for him. No it's not what you wanted, but neither is it the end of the world or unusual, and he will know what he will know.

The alternative is him getting to 10 in a home with a miserable mum who is taken for granted and a lazy selfish dad who is setting a shit example for him to go out into the world and recreate.

The splitting up is not fun, I will not lie, and you just need to take it step by step and do the next right thing keeping your goal in mind. On the other side of that stressful period, is a peaceful calm home and a new start for you where you don't feel like you do now. It is the best thing I have ever done and I don't say that lightly, however it took some sessions with a therapist for me because I felt I was going nuts in which she said, you know you can leave him right? for it to feel like a possibility. That was like a switch flicking and from that point although it took a couple of years to get there, that was my focus.

DC are happy and well adjusted, we are thriving and there has not been a second where I have regretted it.

In terms of how you broach the conversation, I would wait until you have yourself a bit sorted in terms of practical things, sorry if I've missed it, are you married?

@GoldDuster wow, thank you for replying, you give me so much hope for the future! I'm glad to hear you're thriving now

We are not married, our son has a double barrelled surname as I insisted it was that or my surname.
I guess not being married makes it slightly easier with the paperwork side at least?!
We are joint tenants on the mortgage. We have a joint account which we both pay into (proportionately to our wages) and have our own bank accounts also.

I feel like on paper it is so simple to split but the reality and emotional side seems so tough

I have just done fortnightly therapy for 6 sessions and it was during this that I realised so many of my worries arise from the problems in our relationship.

Perhaps take some time to clear your head. During this period, start getting your house in order. Evaluate all your belongings (and I mean yours and your son's, not your partner's). De-clutter and get rid of anything and everything that you wouldn't want to take with you to your new home.

Use the "donate / sell / chuck" method.

Make a plan about where you will live, what you will need, and how you will manage your finances. Plan out what you think the likely division will be when the house is sold and what you will end up with.

Start practicing emotional detachment from your partner so that you will be able to ignore any attempts at guilting you into changing your mind when you finally sit down to have the conversation.

Ready yourself for the break-up conversation with clear points. Write those points down if necessary:

We need to talk.
I'm ending our relationship.
I hope we can do this without acrimony for the sake of our son.
I hope we can find a way to successfully co-parent.
The house will need to be sold and I would like to do that as soon as possible.
I am going to stay with a friend for 1 day so that you can process this.

Do not allow him to turn it into a row or drama. Say what you need to say then leave the house. Set out your proposal then leave him to think about it, giving a time/day when you will be back.

Get legal advice first. I know you are not married but you still have joint assets to sort out.

How would you like to share residence of your DS? Assuming you will have him more than 50%, you can work out online how much child maintenance he will have to pay. This is for your own financial planning , not for you to tell him. He can work that out himself. If he’s self employed , assume you will get nothing.

Many fathers will say that they want 50:50 when they work out they might have to pay. But unless he’s now doing 50% of everything , then he’s unlikely to actually do this. Especially with a two year old when his child care costs will be high.

Most men work out pretty quickly that it’s easier to avoid paying for child maintenance that nursery fees.

I guess you know that you both own all the money in your joint account? So he can take it all out if he wants and there’s nothing you can do.

Id work out a plan for everything and then tell him you want to split up and agree a time to sit down and discuss your proposals.

@Sicario gives good advice .

Just to add here, your husband's reasoning of "I grew up with separated parents and I don't want that for my son" actually translates to - "I get way more out of being married and I don't want to be on my own". He already proved that he gets way more out of this than you do e.g. he does sod all around the house. This is exactly why men struggle to be alone! Don't let him gaslight you into thinking this is for your son, its for him.

Well you're not in a bad position @twistedtruths

I was the same as you a few years ago now.

Can you afford to move out to a rented place whilst you sort the house out? Or can he? I ended up moving out for a year and then bought my ex out of our home (with some help from family). I appreciate this isn't possible for everyone but certainly made the whole process a lot easier.

If not then could you move in with parents / a sibling temporarily whilst sorting the house out? Or could your partner?

Obviously the alternative is to live together but - from experience - this is very difficult! If you have to do this I would suggest drawing up some kind of rota for childcare, who is going out on what day / night, rules around shopping etc. It's amazing how petty some people can get...

In terms of approaching it, I would just be completely honest and say "I'm not happy, you're clearly not happy, we need to take action now before we're 10 years down the line and we both resent each other have wasted a decade of our lives when we could be happy on our own / with other people"

It sounds as if you've done the "conversation" stage and need to think of this as you telling him that the relationship is over. Having messed up my own marital split my approach to this kind of thing is now

• work out my exit plan - going to friends or family for a few days? get a rental lined up? move into the spare room? - and pick my moment
• work out my "speech" so I'm not stumbling for words when it comes to crunch time
• think in advance of how he might react, and how I might respond to that (distraught? angry? physical? speechless? resigned?)
• don't start a conversation or argument with him about it at the time. Tell him it's happening, repeat repeat repeat, only engage if it's constructive
• put off all discussion about future arrangements until the heat has died down a bit

Needless to say I did none of the above, but I so wish I had - it would have saved an awful lot of time and money!

Great advce above.
Make a diary of you childs life.
List his day and who does wht for him.
Have this prepared for him when/if he drops 50/50 on you.
Funny how these men that are so devastated when splitting but have refused to contribute to the family unit.
Get family and friends told so you czn be supported.
Excellent tip to do a declutter.