Bars

[IHE]

1. As a single 50something woman, would you go to a bar on your own?
2. If you did, how would you feel about an apparently single 50something man trying to engage you in conversation? (Let's say, for the sake of argument, that whilst he's no George Clooney, he's polite, respectful, 95% sober (it is a bar afterall), reasonably educated and cultured, not hideously ugly, almost as funny as he thinks and not too obviously staring down your cleavage.)

I'm asking as a 50something, (genuinely) single man who's giving up on dating apps and I've read several online articles suggesting bars are a "good place to meet people".
I'm skeptical. Maybe it still is in your 20s, possibly even 30s, but from my side of the fence, it seems a pretty unrealistic suggestion in your 50s.

I agree that hobbies are the best way to go though.

I met my partner when I joined the band he sang in.

I'm married 😀 but have always gone out on my own as well as with dh.

😂

Surely it's a matter of the time-drain and level of obsession with any given hobby that's off-putting? A man with no interests is dull, a man who spends all his time and money in lycra (or whatever) is even duller - but there's a middle ground. 😁

If you meet someone through a hobby - then you share that interest and social group, so hard to see why it would suddenly be objectionable.

@DatingDinosaur Yes, I think you've misunderstood me. (And I say that without even a hint of irk.) My default is to assume thay women are not on the pull and are probably actively hostile towards unsolicited male conversation. (Comments above suggest that may be an accurate assumption.)
Hence my question.
I really didn't believe the articles I read. I think they were, however, written by women and aimed at women in search of dates, so I was interested to see if MNers thought the advice had any value.

I do indeed remember pub-dating in the 80s and 90s. I feel it was easier in those days, when both genders swept across the arid dance floor wastelands in packs, because breeding populations were larger at that age and neither prey nor predators were contemplating going to bed at 9:45 when Netflix EPG became too familiar.

I'd like to think Andrew Tate and I would have very little in common, and I could present various theories as to why i'm "not having much luck", but I think those are best saved for more flammable threads. It's possible I'm just a bit of a smat-arse, gobshite, twat.

I'm not remotely assuming women go to pubs on their own because they're on the pull.
Personally, I don't really enjoy going to pubs on my own. I feel very self conscious and would far rather drown my sorrows at home, alone, where no one can see me, or assume ... well, whatever they assume about middle aged men drinking in rhe pub on their own

[Note to self: learn to play the guitar. All the chicks love an ostentatious guitar solo.]

Another thought (bearing in mind my username). It seems to me that everyone (men and women) seems to want to fast track The Perfect Relationship (whatever that means to the individuals) instead of just letting things develop naturally. Sadly (imho) online dating seems to encourage desperation to meet The One. And the disappointment and self-blame/navel-gazing when a date with a random stranger doesn't work out boggles my mind.

Ah ... maybe that was where I went wrong with my marriage - wanting to spend time with my wife. Perhaps I should have gone to the pub without her more often? 🤣

Nobody needs to see me in Lycra. Double denim at a push, but definitely not Lycra.

I think that to meet someone naturally, you have to be chatty and able to hold a conversation. It doesn’t have to be in a bar. It can be on a walk, dog walking, on a train, in a group activity. My friend just met someone on a train. He engaged in conversation with her about London where they had both been that day for different events, 2 hours later he gave her his number and said “it’s been lovely talking to you today, if you would like to meet for lunch one day, get in touch” she did.

Like AuntyMary, I’m 65 and I’ve been going to bars on my own (intermittently) for decades. Met my late husband (my most successful marriage) in a bar, and other previous long and short term partners, made good friends too.

I’m going to the bar because I enjoy it. I’ll always be polite if someone strikes up a conversation, but I’m not primarily there to pick up men.

I think you’d be better joining some groups / hobbies as most women would be a little wary a man on his own chatting up a woman in a bar

I think your absolutely right and I'm more than happy to meet people the old way and play the long game.

For me, however, I'm quite conscious of how many people seem to sink into romantic mediocrity at [myage + notmuch]. 20yrs married to someone who was controlling, duplicitous and had very little interest in being part of a "couple" made me very aware of how much I miss being art of a "couple". I just want to enjoy being with someone else for as much time as I can ... before I'm too old and only have he energy to trade the pub for pipe'n'slippers.

Chatty, I can do.
Well, it turns out I'm not very good at sustaining the chat for more than a week or two when it's just via OLD messaging. Which is why I'm thinking about other arenas for striking up chats. Like ... 🤔 ... pubs. (I'm not convinced riding trains, even in a new anorak, is a reliable way to talk to women.)

Any man who describes his ex like this gets a definite swerve.
"20yrs married to someone who was controlling, duplicitous and had very little interest in being part of a "couple"
I'm very very wary of men who badmouth their exes. It's a real red flag. That's more than likely where you are going wrong.
It makes women think the problem was more likely to have been you, rather than the ex wife.

I think your terminology is a bit "off". "Play the long game". It implies exactly that - it's a game to you and not to be taken seriously. That might not be what you meant and it's just a turn of phrase but, that's how it comes across.

I agree that badmouthing exes really does nobody any favours although in the context of this thread, I think it's just an explanation/justification why you're back on the market. But if you still have bitterness within you about it, that still needs some work otherwise you'll be just some bloke out looking to prove to himself he's still got "it" and the whole dating scene becomes less about meeting a companion and more about boosting your own ego.

You also mention you don't fare well with written communication. Yes, I can see that. Maybe you're someone who's better for getting to know in person.

Your most successful marriage? 😱
Actually, I don't want to know. I'm sure you have a lovely patio.

I'm not suggesting only going to pubs to meet "the one". But mathematically, the chances of meeting single women at a Spanner And Screwdriver Collectors monthly meeting are likely to be limitted. I don't need a woman to validate me, but I do like sharing my life with someone (T&C apply) so I figure I might as well give myself a fighting chance. As I've said, I struggled to belueve "the pub" was "the place" to meet "the one". And this thread has kind of confirmed that.

Being treated like shit hurts. Whatever gender you are. Feel free to PM me if you'd like to see the court documents.

I haven't read the entire thread - deliberately this time because I just wanted to give an uninfluenced answer to your initial question.

I am a mid 40s woman who is definitely comfortable going into pubs on her own. I don't actually drink alcohol any more but still enjoy being in pubs sometimes, just to feel the world going on around me and for a bit of atmosphere. I have always done this.

I usually take a book, or might be on my phone, but I am definitely open to being approached by men or women for a chat. In fact just the other weekend I was out in a pub garden taking a break from shopping, enjoying the sunshine, and a fella who was out with his sons, who was about my age, spoke to me for about 20 minutes (we were both vaping outside). He told me a bit about his job history, which I found interesting. It was nice.

I am not single so not looking for a relationship, but when I have been single, I've definitely been open to meeting someone like this. I have had a few short relationships that started like this, and one marriage!

Just be careful to read cues, don't make a nuisance of yourself. Most people are good at making it clear when they don't want to chat - if she isn't asking any questions and her answers are very brief, politely move on.

And I'd suggest not getting to bladdered. Drunk people are boring and repetitive! (I can say this - i used to be one quite frequently!) A drink or two to relax you is fine of course.

Good luck - hope you find someone nice!

Too bladdered, not to. Sorry.

"Being treated like shit hurts. Whatever gender you are. Feel free to PM me if you'd like to see the court documents."

Now now @IHE you're coming across as snippy and bitter and have an axe to grind. Yes, you might have, but that should tell you that you're not actually ready to meet somebody new yet. Or, at least, anybody you do meet just at the moment is going to have a lot of hoops to jump through to gain your trust and confidence. Nobody can be arsed with that kind of baggage.

Come to terms with your shit marriage and shit ex-wife first. THEN you'll be ready to meet somebody - and they'll be attracted to the well-rounded, decent guy that you are, instead of being weirded out by the thinly masked bitter and twisted one you portray yourself as.

"Play the long game" was merely a turn of phrase. Nothing more.
Bad mouthing my ex ... sure, it wasn't on my list of things to do. But hey, sometimes the smallest things press our buttons, sometimes we all feel fragile and sometimes that stuff finds its way to the surface. Like I said, getting treated like shit hurts.
Evidence suggests I'm less of an arsehole in real life. Finding a better way to meet people than online is my objective. My expectations are modest, but my hopes are high.

And on that note, I don't think I'll be retuning to this thread.
Thank you to all who have contributed.
It's been enlightening.

I’m not even sure what your response to my quite genuine and sincere post means.

I suspect you try a little too hard to be witty and end up coming across as bitter and snide.

Good luck to you.