Health issues impacting sex in new relationship

[Anothernamechane]

Name changed for this because I don’t really know what I’m looking for. Maybe just to vent and try to understand my own feelings.

I’m recently in a new relationship after being single for almost 11 years. Tbh I didn’t think I’d ever meet anyone again. New partner? Boyfriend? Not really sure what to call him- we’re middle aged, has been a friend for a decade and his marriage ended at the beginning of the year. No other person involved, fairly amicable, they grew apart and hadn’t had any kind of sex life for a couple of years. I’ve also mainly been celibate for a couple of years.

Unfortunately I started having some health issues a couple of months ago. Still under investigation but experiencing pelvic pain and constantly needing the toilet. It might be gynaecological or could be bladder related, but sex can be painful and definitely exacerbates symptoms.

He’s understanding and saying it’s not a problem for him. If we do try to have sex he checks in to see if I’m ok and want to stop. However I know he wants a sex life and feeling under pressure (at least internally) to at least attempt something, while really not wanting to do anything at all. I don’t want this to cause resentment on either side but ultimately I think I need to tell him for at least the next wee while that sex is off the cards.

i guess I’m just venting because I think this could have been something great, but i know it’s not really reasonable to ask him to remain celibate in a new relationship. It’s obviously something that’s still really important to him and I think ultimately it won’t work out. I’m also feeling pretty miserable that I’ve basically been in pain for months, getting various tests and the GPs reaction to saying sex is painful is “use lube”.

You are middle aged, so menopausal/ perimenopausal. The change in hormones can cause vaginal atrophy and affect the urethra causing increased risk of uti's, especially after sex. Your GP is not entirely wrong, and any woman over a certain age should be using lube - plenty of younger people do, it can be fun. So dont dismiss his suggestion.
From your symptoms, I'd expect that investigations would include a trans-vaginal ultrasound scan to check the health of your womb - fibroid, endometrial thickening etc. Also have a full sti screen and make sure your smear test is up to date. If you've done all that, and are clear, then possibly back to age and atrophy - the joys of being an ageing woman! In that case a hormonal pessary type gel such as vagifem is an option and carries minimal cancer risks, and yes, lots of lube for sex.

Thank you. Sex with lube still hurts and leaves me in significant pain for days afterwards unfortunately. I’ve tried twice and had to stop halfway through. Tests are ongoing. I’ve had an internal and was told there’s no sign of atrophy plus swabs and a urine sample tested. All clear so far. It could be peri - I’m 43. Drs don’t seem to think so. I actually think it’s more likely to be an issue with my bladder. I feel like I need the toilet constantly.

OP, have you suffered from thrush before? I recommend you to get tested for Candida glabrata. It's often resistant to common antibiotics and fungicides, grows very slowly in culture and can infect the urethra and cause exactly the symptoms you have. Worth to rule it out.

Hi, I don’t know if that would have been tested for with my swabs. I have had thrush and tbh it didn’t feel anything like this but worth a try.

I would be buying a tube of that Gina oestrogenic stuff just in case, women's health issues are often misdiagnosed.

All you can do is show him you are trying. Honesty is the best policy.

I am wondering if endometriosis is to blame. This can cause pelvic pain, painful sex and can also involve the bladder. Endo however is usually diagnosed via a laparoscopy which is a keyhole surgery op. Other tests like swabs, internal ultrasound scans and blood tests do not usually detect it.

Hey OP, while you are checking into this, might be worth having good (and fun!) conversations around what sexy stuff you'd both like to explore. You can take penetration off the table temporarily, but that doesn't mean you can't have fun (and grow closer) exploring other sexy time...there's so many resources online too to help get the ideas flowing.

There are lots of things you can do that mean you don't have to be celibate but you don't have to have PIV either!

You should post this in health to see if someone can tell you whstd going on as they might have had it and found a solution

There are other ways to enjoyment without penetration

He sounds like a decent guy, so I'd just be honest with him.

Me being me, to be honest, I'd experiment! He might find it fun too, and it would show him that you're serious, and are open to compromises for him.

Simply tell him that it hurts, and that you'd like to explore all the options... different positions, different speeds, different depths, oral, toys... the whole lot. Once you work out what you can do painlessly, you can tailor your sex life accordingly rather than a flat-out 'no, because it hurts'.

He sounds supportive and understanding so I wouldn’t end the relationship over it.

I had a similar scenario and my partner was incredibly supportive and caring throughout, plus affectionate and physically intimate in other ways.

Ultimately whilst sex is an important part of a relationship you are going to have times when one or the other may not be able or want to, that’s just life.

like others have said you can still do other sexual things without penetration, or perhaps you just both agree that it’s not a priority in your relationship right now.

Small update; been back to the drs and there’s red blood cells in my urine. She feels that even though my last sample was negative for infection there’s some kind of bladder infection going on.
im waiting for a scan but have antibiotics and naproxen in the meantime. I do have a bit of health anxiety so it being just a uti after everything would be a relief.

I'm sorry you're having health issues putting a fly in the ointment of this exciting stage of your relationship. Sounds like you've got yourself a really decent and supportive bloke.

Maybe try and think of PIV as only one aspect of sex. It's entirely possible to have an absolutely mind-blowingly amazing sex life (for both of you) without any kind of penetration. I'd really urge you to read She Comes First and then He Comes Next by Ian Kerner. Brilliant books.