Gone for the time being

[bamzooki]

Had name changed over this but I can't be arsed to keep doing it.
This is where to look if you want some backgound.

But as of today dh is staying away to have some space and try and think things through. He is still agreeing to try Relate, but atm we are both sort of at the point of feeling like some of problems are too hard to fix, but at the same time the thought of separate lives seems to bizarre to contemplate.

So to queenrollo, MuthaHubbard, dragonstitcher, littlewoman who all gave me support the other day, thank you. The day would have been much harder without MN.

Er funny you should mention this, but yes he is now 41, so it all cracked off initally just before he was 40. He had also just changed jobs which required 12 weeks training at distance, so he only came home on the w/e, ds was almost 2 and very wilful, and OW was young free and single.
All very classic isn't it? Not that that makes the solutions any easier mind. [wan grin emoticon]

Can't offer any advice on fixing your relationship but if it does come to a split, try to keep it as amicable as possible and try to think of him as your DC's other parent rather than as your DP/XP - the relationship of co-parents can be a good one if you think of the other parent as a sort of family member (because he is) with whome you share the priority of putting your DCs wellbeing first.

madamez - that's a very good way of describing how things should be. Thanks - I might use that when talking to dh.
Actually, I think we would be able to remain friends, in his eyes that's all we are now anyway.

anothermum92 - why is it that toddler tantrums are so much easier to remain detatched about? I have tried to use the same mind set when dh is cross/upset/angry, but somehow he always gets me in spin too.
I'm not very good at confrontation....

Maybe space is good for now (if things are very amicable) and so is the fact that he is agreeing to relate.

Can't offer any quick fix but I do agree with Madamez. Ex and I are getting on very well as we are friends who co-parent and are both happier than we have been for a long time. This in turn seems to have reflected on how the dc handled the news/split.

Fingers crossed for you x

Yes the space is good. Am having some deep thoughts about HOW good it is actually, maybe it ought to be telling me something. But then the release of the strain of recent weeks would be good in any guise.
I am not hopeful of him having some great revelation about what he is missing, - I know he will be pretty miserable where he is - he isn't good at being on his own and will doubtless prefer to be here after a while. So it will take more than that to convince me that he committed to being here.
Just need to get Relate booked, but it's not that easy with the dc around. It would be school hols right now wouldn't it?

OK, not good news. Spoke to him this evening and sounded very down and muddled, but when I told him I had provisionally got an appt for Relate he said he wasn't ready to talk to someone about it yet.
Sort of wanted to come home than stay where he was, but can't 'carry on treading water', whatever that means.
I can't help but feel that it is the mechanics of separation that is scaring him and also being seen as the 'baddie' if it is him that leaves. Like it is all his fault or something. Well him having an affair was his fault, but this I feel is different and I don't think I have done anything to point the finger at him.
If I am honest, right now I am struggling to see an outcome that involves him staying long term.

((hugs))

I think that it has finally starting to sink in with him that he has cocked up big style. He has risked everything for a five minute fumble. That is HIS fault and no-one elses. And he is the baddie and if he was adult enough he would accept that it's him that's made a mistake.

You can't keep putting your life on hold for him. Do whatever you feel is right, even if that means going to relate on your own for the time being and telling him that you still need space.

I think he knows he has to make a decision, and he really doesn't know which one to make ..but, like you say, he has to make one because he doesn't tolerate being on his own very well.
I can't tell you what the answer is ... it's not like things worked out well for me lol ... all I can suggest is not to focus on him and his thinking, if you can help it. Think about your wants and needs. If you can focus on you and your children you are less likely to make inappropriate decisions. You can take him back if you want to, rather than because you need to, IYSWIM.

I have confused myself now.
By the end of yesterday I had sort of got myself in the 'being on my own' frame of mind, and was pretty OK with it.
Then he rang and now I can't imagine him not being here again! Not that he had much to say that was progress, and I reiterated that I think he needs to speak to someone who isn't me, but he says he isn't ready. I guess I can't force him to but I so wish he would talk to SOMEONE, even is it his sister, because she is very good at asking the right sort of questions.

OK, current update:
DH came home for a couple of days to see the DC, and we had some time to talk last night. The upshot is that it is all over bar the shouting.
He says he just doesn't have those feelings for me amymore, and is 'tired of flogging a dead horse' (then apologised for phraseology).
So despite handling things pretty well for the last couple of weeks, today I am back to being numb. Somehow facing it all as a definite decision seems so much worse than I imagined.
There's so much to sort out in terms of the mechanics of it, and I have no idea where to start. I guess I need to get to the CAB or something to find out where I stand.

Not sure whether I'm glad that DD is away so I don't have to hold it together in front of her, or if I wish she was here for company.

Bamzooki, you must feel as though you are back at square 1 again. Had your hopes raised, only to fall again. The only thing I can suggest you do now is cut your emotions off from him. No more hoping (though I know it hurts like hell not to have that hope any more). Try to adopt a "right, you bastard, just watch me crack on with my life then" attitude. Crying is a very natural reaction, but it is debilitating and makes you mentally weak and lethargic. You are going to need all your strength to get on, so try to take an empowering attitude to the situation. I am so sorry you are going through this. I wish nobody had to suffer this pain, it's literally traumatic.

Thanks littlewoman. Logically I can acknowledge that if this is truely how he feels then splitting is the best thing to do. But then there's another part of me screaming 'how can this be? I've spent over half my life with this man, why is it all going wrong now?'.
I guess I have to grieve for the relationship that I expected to last a lifetime.
But you are right - I also have to find a better way to look at things. So right now am trying to list all the things that will be easier without him around.
One nice thing though - FIL has just been round, having heard, and assured me that none of this will affect how he and MIL feel about me and DC. I sort of expected that but it was nice to hear it anyway. I am lucky in that while MIL can be tricky, they are basically good people and will do what they can to help. I just hope that they don't alienate DH too much - he will need people to talk to as well, no matter how much of this he brought on himself.