Am I a horrible person

[Gazzamc89]

Hi this is my first post here so sorry it is massive.

I have 3 kids 8y, 5y and 1y all with different women. The 1y is from my most recent relationship that has unfortunately ended after 4 years. She decided to leave me. Both of us contributed to its breakdown, we both lacked communication, I have had mental health issues for years that I kept suppressed but have surfaced badly in the last year and half. What made matters worse is me and my ex were total opposites, because of my health issues (diabetes) I live my life quite regimented. I like to play things safe and not take too much risk. Whereas she was more chaotic, she was never on time for anything, didn’t plan and financially terrible. I think these things caused me to worry and increased my anxiety leading to panic attacks and erectile dysfunction.

this then brought problems of its own in regards to intimacy and I became worried to talk as my ex was very quick to shout which put me into a fight or flight mode as I can’t stand being shouted at. I managed to control this with antidepressants and started asking her not to shout at me but I was called a victim for this.

and now I am here single again with 3 kids from 3 women. I see all of them as much as I can and pay child maintenance for all of them. I recogymy mental health issues now and I am taking as many steps as I can to fix them. I know I need to talk now so I usually try and talk or see one of my friends everyday and I now write a journal. I hope to see a therapist and properly resolve my issues.

i guess my question to you all is am I screwed with relationships now and I am doomed to be single? I don’t want a relationship the now anyway probably for a long time as I have lots of issues to sort out first but I am so worried that no one will ever come near me and that I will never find someone to love me now.

Sorry for the long post

Not a horrible person, and not screwed and doomed to be single.

You absolutely need to keep it wrapped though until / unless you're in a secure long term relationship.

Yea I don’t plan on having anymore children anyway and I am in the process of getting a vasectomy so hopefully that solves that problem.

Iv just lost all confidence and self worth and I am trying to control my worrying but this is something that keeps coming into my head. I genuinely thought I had found the one and I always wanted to fix things and suggested time apart to reset but she has rejected that and is off doing her own thing now

You're going through a massive amount. Don't stop writing it all down, journalling your feelings, seeing your friends. Eat more and exercise best as you can. Give your lady the gift of absence for a while. Don't pester her just be there for your child always. She 100% knows you'd be happy to try resolving the issues and where to find you, so let her find you. Time affects everyone. You're father to her child and nothing changes that. You're definitely not destined to be unloved or alone, the situation is just making you feel that way right now. Be patient with yourself and take care mate.

You certainty haven't made the best choices.

The focus now should be your relationship with your children, and supporting and providing for them. Which must be logistically difficult and time consuming. I wouldn't even give a thought to dating, and wondering who would love me, personally. There's little children who need you to love and care for them.

Focus on your children and getting through your trauma. It’s really really difficult to work through trauma while being in a relationship and being a dad. There’s a reason people wander off and build hermitages