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Original poster

Husband has stopped buying me gifts and rejecting sex

20 replies

MrsMamaa · 04/06/2024 23:42

I have name changed for this post as it's a sore subject and I don't want to be found out.
This is going to sound extremely petty and smug at the same time and I don't want it to be but it is what it is.

My husband of 3 years was always a gift giver, he would spend thousands on gifts for me regularly, he also regularly initiated sex.

Since the birth of our child last October he has completely changed. Very rarely he initiates sex and most of the time if I do he turns me down, UNLESS it's for a bj or handjob. He has no problems getting an erecting. He is 40 and I am 32. I have gained a stone and a half since Christmas due to poor eating and very little exercise and am a size 12-14.

He hasn't bought me anything since my birthday and we have only had sex 10 times this year. The gift giving thing seems extremely shallow but it's hurtful to me. We both have equal incomes and live quite comfortably, I but him a gift every pay cheque I get but he doesn't. My goodness I know I'm going to get bollocked for this post but it's genuine. I can't help feel sad tonight and am venting severely.

OP posts:
JenniferBooth · 04/06/2024 23:58

Its not the gift giving as such really is it. Its that his behaviour has changed towards you

JenniferBooth · 05/06/2024 00:07

So he gets his orgasm What about yours?

skipandwhistle · 05/06/2024 00:44

What on earth...? What's with all the gift giving? Every payday? That's so bizarre and very abnormal. And BTW it does not sound "smug" at all. It sounds weird. Do you think we might think it was smug because you get so many presents and others don't and wish they did? I would really hate to have such pressure of gift-giving, not to mention the constant avalanche of new "stuff".

You need to recalibrate things. Quite possibly he's fed up with the present-giving obligations and was only going along with it because you "need" it. Of course I've read about the love languages blah blah but this has turned into a yardstick of self-validation for you which is just so off-kilter. No presents since your birthday... is completely normal.

As PP says, it's the change of behaviour that needs to be addressed. Time for healthy discussion. Talk about sex, affection, attention, time together, and why either of you might be feeling neglected - and leave the "where are my presents" nonsense completely out of it.

aftipple · 05/06/2024 00:53

Does he care for you?

ControlShiftDelete · 05/06/2024 01:00

Does he show affection to you or was the gift giving the only way he showed affection?

Aquamarine1029 · 05/06/2024 01:10

If the foundation of your relationship is elaborate gift giving, that's very, very shallow. It's just so bizarre.

Led921900 · 05/06/2024 01:14

Have you asked him? If you’ve gained weight and are a size 12 I assume you must have been quite petite before… maybe he’s not as attracted to you (not saying that’s ok but just wondering).

It would be best to talk to him and try and reconnect and not drive yourself crazy about it. If you discuss it do point out he’s being hurtful and disrespectful if you aren’t getting anything out of the intimacy and try and rebuild from there.

Wheresmyguavagone · 05/06/2024 08:09

Aquamarine1029 · 05/06/2024 01:10

If the foundation of your relationship is elaborate gift giving, that's very, very shallow. It's just so bizarre.

I think that’s a bit harsh. Giving/receiving gifts is recognised as one of the five love languages.

Thesunisanorange · 05/06/2024 09:19

Yeah it’s not the fact he doesn’t spent thousands on gifts as such it’s the fact he used to but seems to have stopped fairly abruptly. I’d suggest you pull back on gift giving too as the lack of reciprocation will only bother you further.

You could maybe use it as a way to raise it with him - say this month I didn’t bother giving gifts since it seems you don’t want us to exchange gifts anymore. And ask him what’s changed.

Personally, I wouldn’t be giving a guy oral regularly if he couldn’t bothered having sex with me.

I hate to be cliche but do you think there’s another woman ? You say the changes with gift giving and sex started after you had your child and then the weight gain started a few months later?

It sounds like he may have went off you since you had a baby as some men can be funny about their partners after pregnancy - like they don’t see them romantically anymore irrespective of whether they’ve gained weight or not.

Starlight1979 · 05/06/2024 09:34

Echo what @skipandwhistle says

What on earth...? What's with all the gift giving? Every payday? That's so bizarre and very abnormal. And BTW it does not sound "smug" at all. It sounds weird. Do you think we might think it was smug because you get so many presents and others don't and wish they did? I would really hate to have such pressure of gift-giving, not to mention the constant avalanche of new "stuff".

What can you possibly be buying each other every single pay day when you're both grown adults with your own incomes?! What do you even need?! Or are you just buying for the sake of it?! Very strange...

determinedtomakethiswork · 05/06/2024 09:55

But some people buy a treat for themselves on payday and like to treat the partner as well. That might be just a box of chocolates or a new top, it doesn't have to be something really expensive. The problem is that this guy's behaviour has changed rapidly.

Original poster
MrsMamaa · 05/06/2024 10:32

I must edit here: NOT EVERY PAYCHECK.

Most of the time it is little things! Not huge expensive presents with every paycheck. I get paid every fortnight whereas he is self employed.
I like to show my love by buying little gifts for him and our children and other family members. It's the way I show my love. He used to do the same but hasn't since April. I collect designer trainers and shoes. he collects belts. Things like that. He also loves cologne. Whenever I bring up the subject of how we rarely have sex, he says he's tired, he's stressed he doesn't feel well.

But if I was to offer oral he is always up for it.

OP posts:
Opentooffers · 05/06/2024 11:04

Sounds to me like love-bombing and convincing you to like him at the start. He knows he's got you tied to him now though, so doesn't need to keep up the effort. I think the gift giving is of less significance as it can be expected to fall by the wayside over time. It was his way of wooing, rather than an expression of love, which is how you saw it. I've been bought gifts, and tbh felt uncomfortable about it rather than loved, it's OK as a one-off, but regularly, it becomes more about what gratitude is expected in return.
The sex is a different problem. Either a madonna/whore complex, or it's how his own family was growing up, so learned behaviour.
You could maybe appeal to his base instincts, I suspect there's an element of misogyny connected to his attitude of seeing you as more a mother now, which is less sexy to him. By that I mean show him that you are desirable to others still. He was up for competing for your affections before marriage and DC, so he responds to competition.
You are far from large, though have put on weight, so I doubt it's that in itself. However, if for your own self-esteem, if you were to perhaps join a gym, or take up a sport, then arrange a nights out with friends, I think that would give him something to think about. Not that you should have to do all that, but it might make you feel better and could inspire a change in him. If it doesn't, at least your self-esteem will not be ground down.

Original poster
MrsMamaa · 05/06/2024 11:26

Opentooffers · 05/06/2024 11:04

Sounds to me like love-bombing and convincing you to like him at the start. He knows he's got you tied to him now though, so doesn't need to keep up the effort. I think the gift giving is of less significance as it can be expected to fall by the wayside over time. It was his way of wooing, rather than an expression of love, which is how you saw it. I've been bought gifts, and tbh felt uncomfortable about it rather than loved, it's OK as a one-off, but regularly, it becomes more about what gratitude is expected in return.
The sex is a different problem. Either a madonna/whore complex, or it's how his own family was growing up, so learned behaviour.
You could maybe appeal to his base instincts, I suspect there's an element of misogyny connected to his attitude of seeing you as more a mother now, which is less sexy to him. By that I mean show him that you are desirable to others still. He was up for competing for your affections before marriage and DC, so he responds to competition.
You are far from large, though have put on weight, so I doubt it's that in itself. However, if for your own self-esteem, if you were to perhaps join a gym, or take up a sport, then arrange a nights out with friends, I think that would give him something to think about. Not that you should have to do all that, but it might make you feel better and could inspire a change in him. If it doesn't, at least your self-esteem will not be ground down.

Thank you for this comment it makes a lot of sense and was very helpful x

OP posts:
Allelbowsandtoes · 05/06/2024 11:34

People are being unnecessarily harsh about OP and her DHs gift giving, if that's how they show their love thats fine and not for others to sneer at. She's not sad because he's stopped spending money on her, she's sad because his behaviour has changed.

OP - you've tried talking to him about it and haven't got very far. If I were you I'd pull back a bit and give him space. If he is feeling stressed/overwhelmed/not feeling affectionate towards you currently then that isn't going to change if you ask for reassurance. Stop the gifts, stop the oral sex, let him come to you.

JenniferBooth · 05/06/2024 14:20

Thesunisanorange · 05/06/2024 09:19

Yeah it’s not the fact he doesn’t spent thousands on gifts as such it’s the fact he used to but seems to have stopped fairly abruptly. I’d suggest you pull back on gift giving too as the lack of reciprocation will only bother you further.

You could maybe use it as a way to raise it with him - say this month I didn’t bother giving gifts since it seems you don’t want us to exchange gifts anymore. And ask him what’s changed.

Personally, I wouldn’t be giving a guy oral regularly if he couldn’t bothered having sex with me.

I hate to be cliche but do you think there’s another woman ? You say the changes with gift giving and sex started after you had your child and then the weight gain started a few months later?

It sounds like he may have went off you since you had a baby as some men can be funny about their partners after pregnancy - like they don’t see them romantically anymore irrespective of whether they’ve gained weight or not.

Edited

Madonna/whore complex

JenniferBooth · 05/06/2024 14:27

Allelbowsandtoes · 05/06/2024 11:34

People are being unnecessarily harsh about OP and her DHs gift giving, if that's how they show their love thats fine and not for others to sneer at. She's not sad because he's stopped spending money on her, she's sad because his behaviour has changed.

OP - you've tried talking to him about it and haven't got very far. If I were you I'd pull back a bit and give him space. If he is feeling stressed/overwhelmed/not feeling affectionate towards you currently then that isn't going to change if you ask for reassurance. Stop the gifts, stop the oral sex, let him come to you.

I can tell you from experience that that may not work. My marriage became sexless His decision not mine. Oral sex carried on for a while and then i stopped doing it and thought oh if i wait for it to come right it will It didnt. I was big A lot bigger than the OP I lost ten stone and that didnt change anything in that department either. Waiting has to have a shelf life

Original poster
MrsMamaa · 05/06/2024 15:30

What exactly is a Madonna/whore complex

OP posts:
ginasevern · 05/06/2024 16:42

MrsMamaa · 05/06/2024 15:30

What exactly is a Madonna/whore complex

The Madonna complex is where men no longer view their wives sexually once they've given birth. It basically puts you in a different bracket in their minds and fucking you would be like fucking their own mothers (to put it bluntly). They are repulsed at the thought and also at the thought that you continue to want sex. It's very common but you say you have other children so if he hasn't been like it after your other births then it's a bit unlikely.

lincsherts · 05/06/2024 16:56

The Madonna/Whore complex divides women into two categories, that much is obvious. There is usually only one Madonna (usually, the mother of his children). If he gets off on the more 'dirty' sex then he will be drawn to playing away, because romantic love-making won't always satisfy him, and engaging in the dirtier aspects with the mother of his children sullies the Madonna. (It's also about sub-consciously sullying himself, it's a man who hasn't matured properly emotionally, or has got stuck in a Freudian state. Many would suggest it's related to his relationship with his own Mother).

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