He threatens to not return our baby

[Caw2024]

Hi, I'm 28 female
I have a 4 month old baby girl
Me and her father (29) split up a few weeks ago, he has made co parenting hell for me.

Playing games with child maintenence (he gets paid cash in hand) so I can't even do much.
Name calling
Asking for belongings back that he bought the baby
And now today I recieved threats saying he wasn't going to return the baby and might do a runner with her (I did get the baby back) we are co parenting via his sister.. she does the pick ups and drop offs

It's gotten that bad that I tried to get social services invovled myself as co parenting with this vile human being has been hell and is causing me alot of stress. They turned me down as baby wasn't in any actual danger.

Nobody seems to want to help, I'm screaming out for someone with some kind of power to help me and no one will.

Personally i think threatening to do a runner with a 4 month old baby that needs her mother should be taken more seriously and I think that is my baby being in danger!

Someone help what do I do!

Speak to woman’s aid and report the abuse because this is what this is, abuse.
and hopefully they can sign post you to getting an order in place for contact.

Withhold contact and force him into court action so that you have something official in place

Go to family court, get an emergency child arrangements/prohibited steps order (tick the box on the form saying it's urgent) citing him as an abduction/flight risk. Sounds like you have evidence (his messages) to back this up. You want the court to order that he can't take the baby further than X distance (or out of county), and possibly even that he can't have unsupervised contact. Maybe needn't be in a formal contact centre, if there's a 3rd party (family member) that you can trust to supervise his contact. I've had to do this myself, I might have just got lucky but I got to see a judge and get a temporary order in a matter of minutes.

With the baby being so young, I don't think the baby should be away from you at all, especially if you can't be on better terms just my opinion though, I wouldn't be co parenting at all with threats, let him apply through court.

This sounds very upsetting and difficult to cope with.

If he’s really threatening not to return your daughter, I’d stop him having access to her. It would be good if you had this threat in writing or a recorded phone call.

He needs to stop making threats or demands and work with you to co-parent your LO before contact is started again. He certainly shouldn’t be name-calling.

Contact Women’s Aid to get help to stop this abuse. Keep any evidence you have. Block him if necessary. There is help out there for you to protect you.

@Caw2024 Does he have PR, OP?
When I left my ex-husband he went and collected our 6 yo son from school and took him away without me knowing where he was.
I called the police but they wouldn't do anything because he had PR. I had no idea where son was or if he was safe.
I got to see him a week later but longest days of my life.

He should t be taking your baby away from you at this age. No court in the land would order that. Not sure why on earth you would allow it, to be honest.

Just seen all your other threads. No idea why you stayed with a binge drinking, weed smoking loser at all. For your daughter’s sake, stop his contact and let him take you to court

I agree with PP- don’t let them have contact. This is all about control so take it back. Keep evidence of why he is a risk to your baby and follow the formal court procedure.
4 months is very little to be away from you for more than an hour or two and if he is unable to be an adult and prioritise your baby then he doesn’t get to see her

It's post separation abuse. They have to continue to try to control and abuse you. Pathetic tosser. Contact Women's Aid as they will know what to do. Honestly if you are seriously worried he won't return her then I would keep her. If he takes you to court and you have evidence of the threats and of you seeking help from Social Services, then he will not look like a trustworthy responsible father. Maybe he will get bored of using her as a tool to abuse you with and cease contact then move on to making someone else's life hell. Deadbeat dads.

Do not accept phone calls. Everything has to be in writing. If you don’t have to, do not initiate conversations in writing. Make him come to you and you reply.

No matter what he says or writes to you, only reply with something you are happy to have read out in front of a judge.

Keep a diary. Does he feed baby? Does he change the nappy? Does she get her sleep? Does she come home clean?

Nobody seems to want to help, I'm screaming out for someone with some kind of power to help me and no one will.

You are the one with the power. Only you can prevent him seeing the baby. He would have to go to court for contact and that would give you an order setting out that the baby lives with you so he couldn't refuse to return her without consequences. Or you could apply to court, but really it should be him.

Block him, never talk to him

Move if you can/call the police if he turns up

Never let him see the baby until he has taken you to court - it will take MONTHS

Baby is too young to be away from you anyway

Block him, stop all contact, let him take you to court, contact womens aid, record any and all abusive messages and keep a record of everything. If he shows up to harass you at your house call the police.

And yes absolutely everything in writing communication wise moving forward.

Imo you need to stop him having any contact with her and tell him to take it to court where you'll show the court exactly why you were forced to do that. Once there's a court order in place it makes it much easier to take action if he does fail to bring her back.

Of course, it is highly unlikely that he actually wants custody. Or would keep her for any length of time. Babies need a lot of care and my guess is he doesn't want to do that, he wants to hurt and scare you. I bet that if instead of getting frightened and upset, you said to him well you are her father and have as much right as me to have custody so I understand etc
Then you'd take his power away and he wouldn't be interested any more.

However, I do understand that most mums when faced with this situation feel too scared to call the father's bluff in this way.

No advice - just wanted to say I'm thinking of you. I had a difficult time with the father of my first child (it was a very long time ago but I know the upset and stress). xx

Contact 101 and report his threat.
Contact your GP and report his threat and your stress.
Contact Women's aid for advice and support.
Can you move to family?
If so do.
Stop all contact.
Text him that because of his threats to abduct your baby you will not risk futher contact.
Let him go through the courts.
Tell him to not contact you.
If he comes near you, call the police EVERY time.
He is using the baby to abuse you.
Don't allow him near you or your baby.
You can do this.

Do you have his threat in writing?

If he already has PR then go to the GP (mention it to HV next time you see her), police and Women's Aid and tell them about the threat. You can then be referred to a contact centre where contact will be supervised. This can take sometime and because you are putting something in place and have the proof of the threat won't be looked at as withholding access, as you are simply waiting for a more appropriate set up.

If he does not have PR, then just with hold contact, without it he has no responsibilitys to the child, if he is that fussed he'll go via the courts and that can work in your favour but again it takes time and your DC will be a bit older. At the age they are now it really won't matter if he isn't around a couple of months. You are not doing anything to him, this is a consequence of his actions

go to the GP (mention it to HV next time you see her), police and Women's Aid and tell them about the threat. You can then be referred to a contact centre where contact will be supervised.

Sorry, this isn't true. Nobody can refer her to a contact centre apart from social services and that is only where they have care proceedings underway or have a care order. Private contact centres exist but the parents have to pay for that.

@DracoDormiensNumquamTittilandum not true, we never had social services involved, although I know they operate contact centres for their own purposes.

We were referred by our solicitor though in order for DD and her Dad to develop an initial bond as she was a baby but equally (in my area at last), GPs, Police and Women's Aid can all refer and it's a free service operated by volunteers who work in legal / children and young people support day jobs.

A free contact service? I've never heard of such a thing. Maybe in your area there is, though I'd be surprised if it exists in 2024. It's certainly not a universal facility! In all areas I've worked in contact is either local authority funded (strict criteria) or privately paid by parents.