So, 10 years ago I wrote this post in the throes of new motherhood whilst dealing with a very overbearing MIL:
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/2237670-I-dont-want-to-spend-my-maternity-leave-with-MIL-HELP
If only I'd known then what I know now... this behaviour was only scraping the surface of what was to come. Then a couple of years ago when I first started planning to leave my partner over his lack of support with his odd, interfering family, I posted another thread here. I explained more intricate details of our lives, of MILs life and a poster commented that my life with MIL was almost the replica of a novel called The Little House by Phillipa Gregory. I subsequently devoured this novel and was gobsmacked at the similarities.
I separated from my partner a year ago now, he is still living with MIL as a result and has no plans to leave. She finally has him back again. And our children get to stay there with them 2-3 nights a week.
I was looking for something to read a few nights ago and began reading it again- I am again astounded by the similarities.
- the interfering MIL lives in an old farmhouse and behaves like lady of the manor, like mine did.
- the MIL purchases a property for the son and DIL close to their home near her land called "the little house." My own MIL didn't do this but once suggested to me that she "build a little house" on her land for her son, myself and our child to live in.
-the MIL in the story constantly gushes about how she can change the baby on her lap and doesn't require a changing mat as if to imply the DIL was defective at changing her child, mine gushed about the exact same thing in the same manner.
-the MIL pushes the DIL to serious postnatal depression as she feels the baby is her MILs not hers as her interfering is so intense- eventually this also happened to me.
-the son constantly runs everything by his family not his wife- this is exactly what happened to me. His mother even invited herself along to our mortgage renewal meeting with the building society after he discussed it with her and not me and changed the day of the appointment behind our backs to enable this.
- everything is done under the guise of "help" when actually the MIL just takes away all decision making from the DIL and controls their lives. Exactly the same for me. Once I eventually stood up to her, her ego was knocked and she treated me like I was invisible but would try to manipulate my children.
-the formal dinners like in the story but again these soon stopped as soon as I stood up to her so she began sending individual meals just for her son towards the end instead!
-At the end of the novel the DIL kills the MIL, because she sees that she can never win. Although my children are staying with her in order to see their father, I know they see through her. She makes them feel uncomfortable as she's emotionally manipulative and the children are bright enough to spot it.
-just like in the novel, the son/my ex is oblivious and totally enmeshed with his parents.
-just like the novel MILs husband is a total enabler.
I'm civil with my ex but also so hurt that he did choose his mother in the end. I think in our situation he really did need to choose me for anything to work out. I'm still processing everything that has happened and have a great therapist who refers to my ex's family as a "cult". But after reading more of the novel tonight, it actually dawned on me whether MIL had read it and had aspired to be like the MIL. I know how crazy that sounds. There are just so many similarities down to the exact things she used to say. She was always impressed by high status and authority.
Her thinking was genuinely quite deranged I discovered in the end, she even cold called me in the middle of the night once. I wonder...
And wonder if I'm crazy for wondering...