I don't want to be a single mum

[EmilyBronte]

I have ultimate respect for those of you who are, but I don't want to be. I have two small children - almost 2 and 4 months. I am exhausted mentally and physically. Today me and DH had a horrible row in front of both of them where he said the following:

• all he does is massage my ego
• I show him no affection
• 'you stupid bitch'
• 'we should be having this conversation in a solicitor's office not a counsellor's office'
• the problem is that I'm depressed (not true per se, but these things make me feel so)
• the only reason we got back together (we split for 8 months before having first child) was because of me. He should have held out
• I drag him down

This is what I remember. I can't even remember how it started, but in the meantime DD was making noises in the back of the car to show her unhappiness, and she's been acting oddly for the rest of the day. I am devestated and desperate. Most of all I feel such incredible responsibility to my children that they are not exposed to this.

He's gone to the pub now. What do I do? Right now I hate him, but I don't want a divorce.

so sorry to hear this.

You must feel awful.

I think that the early years with children are so challenging to ALL relationships. I think many people have had dark days when they can't see a future - but in many cases of course it does change.

If this was me I think what I would be doing is arranging some emergency childcare, for as long as possible, whether that's a day or some evenings, or a weekend - whatever, I just would be wanting some non-pressured time to talk so that you can go back to being individuals thinking about a relationship, rather than parents

I tihnk it's so easy to lose a relationship in the early years of being a family and I think one of the things that keeps people together is communication; keeping on talking, making sure you've got the same goals for the future, etc etc, and appreciating what the other person does....

Do you get much time alone together?

Very few people actually want to be single parents but sometimes you have no choice.

There are a lot of threads on here at the moment about people with small children struggling with their marriages. (Young children do put a strain on marriages.) It is very common for men to feel a bit neglected in the early years after children are born, for it to make them reconsider the whole basis of the relationship, etc.. It is not fair, and it can be selfish, but it is common.

I would suggest marriage counselling but it is worrying his comment about: 'we should be having this conversation in a solicitor's office not a counsellor's office'. Does this mean that you suggested counselling and he refused? His other comments are not nice either. It seems a lot of men can't cope with being a parent, the responsibility, can't cope with coming second to the children, can't adjust to having less freedom. It's as if they are just big babies themselves.

Are you depressed? In which case, perhaps go to see the GP. Or is it just his attitude that is getting you down? Is he depressed? Then likewise perhaps he should go to see the GP. Either way, I would sit down with him, work out what is not working between you and how you could improve it. But if it were that obvious, there would be no relationship breakdown. Only you and he can decide whether there is any future for you.

If you read this thread, it is a somewhat similar situation to yours. Maybe some of the advice will also be relevant:

How am I going to get through this :( (long post sorry!)

He makes it sound like he has done you such a favour being with you, and all you do is nothing for anyone.

I'm sure you don't see your part in the relationship like that. Don't whatever you do whinge and snivel. Either yell back in his face or pack his gear. Do not be devestated or desperate, EB, especially in front of him. It will probably either infuriate him or make him feel a perverted pleasure in having hurt you.

You know your own worth, deep down. You know if you are a good and valuable person. Do other people generally love and like you? If so, stick your nose in the air and get on with your life. I don't mean without him - just crack on with it beside him til he's fit to join in.

Beautiful always writes some cracking feminist stuff to put women back on their own pedestal. Hope someone like her will come along soon. Till then, don't be afraid. Be cross. That's what he deserves.

EB, I was so sad to read this - I have been thinking of you.

I don't think anyone really wants to become a single parent. Sometimes people decide it is better than being so unhappy, sometimes it just happens...

No-one deserves to be spoken to the way you were. And no child should have to witness this conversation, no matter how young they are.

FWIW, which is not much, I know, being a single parent wasn't the difficult thing for me. Without wanting to sound melodramatic, it was mourning the loss of my marriage, my dear husband and the life I thought we were going to have together that made things so so difficult. I don't know when it gets easier. I think I am still grieving. But the parenting side of it isn't the hard bit. It's not always easy. But it is what helps you get through each day. You know I am not one to give advice about this though so I won't harp on.

I don't know what to suggest - the obvious thing is counselling but he has to be willing to do this too, and has to want things to be better. Do you really think he meant what he said? Could it have been tiredness/ frustration?

Do you love him?

EB do you want to be happy or unhappy? I think that's the question you need to focus on. If becoming a single parent makes you happier in the long run then surely you'd rather choose this?

All relationships go through tough patches, especially with little ones, so this may not be a permenant one, you may both get through this and come out a stronger more united couple at the end of it, but then again, you may not.

Divorce can seem like a scary thing, nobody wants to go through that, but sometimes it is worth it if it means getting your life back, being a happier more content person, and bringing your children up in a more secure environment.

It would be foolish to stay with someone when you are both unhappy and fighting all the time just because you don't want the stigma of a divorce though.

EB - you say that you are not depressed "per se" - are you feeling okay generally? The reason I ask is because I was feeling really down shortly after DS2 was born. I felt like shit, didn't enjoy enything, and eventually, after a number of rows with DH, went to see the GP. I was depressed (not PND - I'd had it for a while before DS2 was born) but once I had attended counselling (and taken ADs) it gave me the strength to deal with everything else, including working things out with DH.

Mightn't be the same in your situation, but just my tuppence worth.

Thank you for all your encouraging and kind words. Haven't managed to post all day cos DH has been at home. He came home last night (not drunk) and told me that he was broken, that I'd 'won', that he was going to lose his kids. He told me that it was inevitable that we split some time so it was best we do it now. He said that I'd married beneath me, that he'd married above his station and that he didn't fit in to my world.

In short, he said some very angry, bitter and hurtful things, few of them justified in my mind. The aspect of 'winning' makes me feel sick.

We have two incredible children. We have worked incredibly hard and they are (currently) happy and balanced, secure and much loved. I told him that I didn't want that for my children, that there was too much at stake, that we'd built so much that was good.

Today I am flat, sad, very low. I want us to be together. We are good parents. I think he is clearly depressed but he won't see it, says that it is me. I have been depressed, I do get low, but I am very careful at watching myself and acting on it when I do get down (have done so recently, getting help from GP and HV).I have been kind to him today, told him how sad I feel that he is feeling like that and that I don't want him to feel that way, but I just don't know where we go from here.

We're going on holiday tomorrow. I have been looking forward to it so much, but all I can feel now is a real sadness

BTW I read the post you suggested skyatnight and you're right, there are a lot of parallels. We were ok really until DC #2 arrived. We've both been finding it a struggle ever since. He is wonderful, but the reality of two young children is a harsh one. I am finding it hard to know how we can regain what we once had, or even how to move on to something new and happy.

UR - I do love him, and I admire his parenting skills hugely. I think we could be a fantastic team if only we could stop competing and hurting one another.

In what way do you compete?

EB, I hope your holiday gives you a bit of quality time together, away from the routines and constraints of every day life.

Your DH sounds very confused and insecure. I do hope he can work out what he really wants and that you can get through this together.

Please come back and let us know how you are.

Thinking of you

x

We seem to compete all the time. Who has done the most childcare, who has got up the most during the night, who treats the others family better, who has cooked the most meals/emptied the dishwasher the most/done the most cleaning each week. It's exhausting. It's not quite as blatant as that, more subtle - I feel like at times we're trying to outdo one another in how hard we work. It's horrible.

I think that's quite easily dealt with (usually!) if you make a huge point of appreciating the other person, telling them they are a wonderful parent, amazing partner, etc etc - and tell them you know you're lucky to have them, etc etc. It's the same principle as kids - role model what you want them to do and they soon do it back.

I think it's because someone tries to prove a point of how hard they're working, etc if they don't feel appreciated...

but this competing syndrome is very, very common in parents of very young children!!!!