Trying to leave difficult relationship - won't sell property

[bowling47]

Ugh I types this out and then it disappeared! Will try and be concise.

11 year relationship, 1 kid, 1 house with mortgage due up for renewal very soon.

I ended relationship in March. We have lived together since coparenting but it's getting difficult. I feel like I walk on eggshells to deal with his fragile moods (ongoing throughout the 11 years). Constantly quizzing about where I'm going - not his business.

He is an alcoholic and been through treatment programmes multiple times. He drink drives regularly. He is on alcohol medication that doesn't work. He is on antidepressants because he is severely depressed. Always sick because he drinks so much.

My dad is very sick with ARLD and it has been a huge shock to me. I can't continue to live with an alcoholic. He is emotionally abusive to me forever and physically abusive on occasions. Most recently last week and I didn't escalate to the police as he had a job interview the next day.

He insisted he would arrange a valuation for the house. After 4 weeks of nagging I went to the company that he was supposedly waiting for further communication from and booked a viewing within 24hrs. It was wildly above a relastic value for our property. I booked a local company who valued the house 30K lower (but realistic). He will not entertain the lower offer. I have suggested we put the housw on between the two values and see how it goes. He now wants a 3rd opinion that he will not organise so this will never happen and it's just stagnating.

I want to leave because I can't live like this anymore and have found a rental close to my work and some great schools. He is refusing to allow me to send our kid to any of these fantastic schools because they are not ones he would choose. But he hasn't found/chosen a single aspect of our son's education or childcare until now - always been down to me.

He is refusing to even discuss the selling of our house. Last week he said I could move out and not pay for the mortgage after I leave, as long as he got the difference in equity when the house sells. He is now denying this. I can't afford 50% of mortgage + £1100 in rent + bills + 50% childcare. I earn nearly 60K a year but have a few debts (which I will pay off with my share of equity of the house). I also have no cash to be able to buy furniture and he's already said I'm "not fucking taking anything" including my son's bed.

I typed up a contractual agreement. He won't read or look at it. I wanted him to look at it so then I could take it to a solicitor. He won't look at it or read it. So again I am just waiting in limbo.

He won't even discuss moving forward. I tried to last week when he was off work, I was told I was ruining his time off. I try at the weekend and he walks away. I tried tonight after work and he has had 4 pints in an hour and got nasty.

I really need to leave. I can't cope for much longer.

What can I do?

Start by ringing the police and reporting him, tell them every bit of abuse and start to build a case against him. Then contact a family solicitor and put it in their hands.

At the moment he keeps thinking he can bat you away and can think about the problem tomorrow. Its frustrating for you. Organise the third valuation. Whatever that says, make a decision on that. Youre going to have to realise that hes not going to be proactive here. The current set up suits him, he doesn’t want the change.

id also report his reg of his car to the police for drink driving so if by chance they see him out, they can randomly pull him over for a breath test. Whenever he kicks off from now, you feel threatened, call the police.

its going to be hard but not impossible. Best of luck

Thank you. I don’t have any records of the abuse and I feel it’s overwhelming to go back through everything. I contacted a solicitor today and was nearly knocked over at their prices.

If there’s physical abuse again I will call the police.

Thank you. Yes I will organise the 3rd valuation, it’s an easy action to take isn’t it?

I will start ringing the police for serious cases. It’s more the general feeling of unease and walking on eggshells as I don’t know how he will be, I walk on eggshells to avoid escalating anything. It’s a ridiculous situation.

Are you married? Is the house owned jointly? Or tennants in common?

You can get an occupation order which will get him out of the house. Contact your local women's aid, they will have a regular session with solicitors in attendance. You might even qualify for legal aid.

I understand you can't afford the mortgage if he leaves but can you explore universal credit? He also has to pay child support. If the mortgage isn't paid then you would both get a rubbish credit rating. Would he risk that?

Either way, get in touch with women's aid.

You can also speak to the police and have all the incidents recorded but ask them not to take action. They might give advice on what they can do if it happens again: it will also red flag your address to get police to attend quicker if you have to call them again

We are tenants in common I think.

Thank you, I did try women’s aid but couldn’t get through. I tried several different women’s charities and citizens advice and shelter. Must have been a busy time but I wouldn’t get through to any of them.

I don’t think I qualify for UC because I own property. When I looked at the calculators as soon as I said I own a house it knocked it down.

I don’t know the UKs court system but the system for domestic violence as I am in Ireland but I suspect it is similar. What we discovered is that it is unpredictable, chocolate teapot territory and frankly achieves nothing. The police were amazing, the judge a misogynistic idiot. I would try to ride it out and get the sale through it is your best opportunity. If you have money use it to get away regularly overnight until the house is sold to get the strength back between times. It sounds absolutely horrific dealing with him but you need to try to get through this spell until you can get out.