My long term partner moved out and wants to a have a break.

[KhakiRaven]

Hello.

We have been together for more than 10 years and obviously had our ups and downs. Our feelings were not always as strong as they should be. I have made a lot of mistakes but not showing enough affection and possibly slightly unintentionally suffocating my partner in our relationship by trying to influence her in a way I thought would the best for us. As I grew older I learnt to accept things the way they are.

My partner is not a very open person so our communication was always difficult to the point where I would usually reach a point where I just needed to vent. It doesn't mean arguing, I just had to take a weight off my chest, trying to spark an honest conversation. It did not always work until recently. We have been through a serious crisis, nearly breaking up but we managed to finally have a proper conversation and I was over the moon. I learnt a lot about what I did wrong and immediately started to make things better. I actually fell in love again and we had a great restart. It didn't last very long though and I felt like I am losing her again. The distance between her and me was growing again. Finally I felt like I need to ask what is happening what is the problem and there we go. I found out out the blue, she wants to take a break from and is looking to move out for quite some time. She didn't specify how long and she couldn't provide a clear answer as to what it means for us. Is it over or where do I stand. I have tried to make her stay I kept digging and I heard a few things I do not wish anybody to hear from a person you're in love with. I mulled it over and I accepted that I had pushed her again in a corner but I am so heartbroken and confused. I accepted that she needs space so she moved out for now.

We never really fought, nor argued. We have always respected each other and I have done my best to built a stable life for both of us. We have no kids. We are both in our 30s. I have no idea what to do. I suffer from severe anxiety and quite frankly I am desperate to have her back to just agree that this is over so I can begin my healing. I have very bad feelings as this is over but for some reason she is not able to spell it out. We still do see each other briefly as our lives overlap pretty much in every aspect. She is not necessarily avoiding contact with me but every time we meet she draw a bold line between us, the distance she keeps is killing me. This is very difficult after so many years together as a couple. I am so confused to the point that stress is causing me severe anxiety and I am quite desperate to have some answers whatever they are so I can have her back and we can start working together to save our relationship and make it even better or... I can let her go and accept she doesn't want me in her for whatever reason, despite me loving her and proving that I want and I did change to make her happier as well as myself. I want to either start healing process or win her back.

Any thoughts what to do? How much time should I wait? I need some help :(

Thank you for reading.

It's over she just doesn't want to tell you outright, based on what you're saying about being desperate to have her back and her keeping distance when you do meet. Draw a line, learn from what she said and start healing and working on yourself.
Sounds like you can be quite intense and that can be difficult for partners to deal with, especially as you don't seem to see her as her own person and only focused on what you can do to get her back and make her happy.
It's a horrible situation to be in when someone doesn't love you anymore no matter how much you love them, love yourself more and let her go. You will only make your own mental health worse by fixating on getting her back.

Sorry, OP. It sounds to me like it's over, but she wants to let you down easy.

This is what it is I am afraid. However I can't understand why would she be stalling it. It is not really helping anyone. I even told her if she wants to go that fine just leave and let me start healing. She moved out to her friend and said quite clearly just to give her some time and pointed out that she needs some space and time alone. At the same time she mentioned she doesn't know what it is gonna lead to. I am willing to respect it for a while and then end it myself I think. I won't be able to take it anymore. It will quite seriously complicates my life and hers too. Properties, money etc etc. I am not looking forward to it. Neither of us can comfortably afford to live independently.

I am not intense at all, maybe I could be at times back in the day. I have learnt to relax and respect personal space and interest but at the same time if I feel there is something off I will eventually ask about it. I honestly was always available to talk and I was very willing to be flexible. At the end of the day it is about compromise isn't it?

At the point that someone wants to move out and take an indefinite break, the relationship is over. You say this decision came out of the blue, but it sounds like you'd been having problems for a while in the relationship, and the distance was growing before she made this decision. I understand it's a shock, but if you look at the bigger picture, the relationship just wasn't working.

You say you're in your 30s, and that you've been together over 10 years. So I presume you got together quite young? Was this your first relationship?

When people get together at a young age, growing apart is almost inevitable. You mention that in the past you've tried to influence her in ways you thought would be best for both of you. This seems to suggest that you're fundamentally incompatible, and that she maybe feels she hasn't been able to grow freely in this relationship.

I imagine she's stalling it because she feels nervous being the one to say it's over. It's possible she's hoping you'll be the one to end it so she doesn't have to feel guilty. Again, I'm assuming you were both quite inexperienced with relationships prior to this one so she probably doesn't know how to navigate ending one so long term, hence needing space and time to think about things. I think you should end things yourself, as that is clearly where it is heading, so you can start the process of healing and moving on. It's not fair of her to keep you hanging on.

This is what it seems at first glance. You got a lot correct. We have been together since quite young and we were learning along the way about relationship. My only problem really is that she is an introvert and I just couldn't figure out how to communicate in the best possible way for both of us. We have made some progress on this recently and I felt that I've found the missing piece of puzzle.
I believe we can still save us by talking about our needs and if we put in the effort together to make things work. We are very compatible in many aspects, however there are some fundamental differences in terms of personality, that's for sure. I am more of an extrovert she the opposite however we enjoy many things together and rarely bicker. I just feel like we are finally in position where our communication is where it should have been a long time ago and we can have good future together. It seems like she is given up. I can accept that but it must end as soon as possible because I won't be able to bear with the pain much longer. For now I am going to cut the contact to bare minimum unless she reaches out and I will try to reach out in about 2 weeks time to see where we are and if nothing changed on her side with a heavy heart I will likely end it myself.
I just feel deep inside it would be a mistake to give up now and both of us might regret it.