Was this ending manipulative and immature or a masterstroke?

[mydogatethebiscuits]

Probably neither but I am struggling with how I ended something -

Was dating a much younger guy from a very traditional Asian background. His family were putting him under massive pressure to marry & have kids as he was heading towards 40. I was post divorce, not wanting anything too heavy. Got in deeper than I planned & caught feelings. Went on about a year and then he started to get a bit distant. I said 'I think it is time I left you to find a proper girlfriend'. He said he wanted to keep in touch as we were great friends, had had a great time, I was special to him etc etc blah blah blah

He then went pretty quiet which seemed unusual for him. It was a real shock when I found out via social media that not only had he met someone but that they were expecting a baby. The timing meant there was almost certainly an overlap with me. I could not believe how hurt I felt especially as he knew I had not been able to have kids.

I was taken aback by how much it impacted me and blocked him immediately. 18 months later I got a new phone and in the process of transferring data I picked up all his blocked messages (Samsung phones store them even if blocked). Nothing about meeting anyone or a baby but text after text asking after me, sending me Valentine's messages and saying he missed me.

I then wrote to him telling him how hurt I had been and I got the strangest of replies - apologising but also justifying his actions. Telling me he wanted to keep in touch and that i meant the world to him but that he liked being a dad and his family adored the baby!! Talking about his girlfriend but then saying he dreams of me!!

I did not know what to do but I still felt so much for him. I wrote back saying that I accepted his apology and that people made mistakes and that we were friends but that I had now met someone (a lie). I got a very loving reply from him telling me how fantastic I am, how relieved he is that I wanted to be friends, how much i mean to him and asking me lots of questions and I just never replied. I walked away without saying another word.

I still miss him and ironically worry that I hurt him by not even acknowledging his soppy email but it seemed the only way to protect myself. Was leaving him hanging a very immature thing to do or is that quite a good ending in the circumstances? I keep wanting to get in touch to apologise for leaving things like that.

Definitely the right choice not to reply. There is absolutely no good to come from “staying friends” in that kind of situation. Block him if you haven’t yet, move forward.

I think all your actions and responses were very mature and dignified. Hold your head high and don’t contact him again.

Would he show his new partner and mother of his child his messages to you?

Something similar happened to me over ten years ago. There wasn’t a cultural difference but it turned out that there was an overlap between me and somebody else (also fathered a child). I didn’t know about her and was really hurt as he had continued sending me emails about dreaming of me, saying he was only with his child’s mother because of the baby. Imagine my horror when I found out very recently that he had married this woman shortly after having the baby. Although I stopped replying many years ago, I have messages on my phone as recent as a few years ago saying I was the one blah nlah

I feel pity for the woman he married and any woman involved with him. He was and probably still is a player (although he would vehemently deny this description). Maybe he needs to have his ego stroked. He certainly isn’t worth worrying about. I can assure you he is manipulative and sadly you may be one of many.

There is a manipulative immature person here and it ain't you OP.

Troubledprimarymum - wow, the similarities. I also found out he had married her a year after the baby was born

Was he still referring to her as his partner/the baby’s mother when it was/is his wife? See how easily he lies and the biggest lie of all is to his wife who thinks she is married to Mr Family Man.

I was told the child’s mother who he was only with because she had accidentally got pregnant abd kept the baby, found the emails. Whatever lies he spun her, they stayed together. He emailed me all this from a new email address saying he never loved her….. and all the time they were married. I am still shocked at how low he was able to go. I gave up on him a long time ago and was getting emails up until 2021 from him. I feel sorry for his wife and the guaranteed other women he emails for ego boosts.

It's helping me to hear your story Troubledprimarymum. Thank you. Mine was slightly different in that he was boasting about meeting someone and being a dad, telling me that they both knew they wanted a baby and decided to try straight away as she was nearly 40. It was unbelievably tactless given my fertility history. He was so over the moon to have ticked the boxes and kept his family happy. But he still wanted to live vicariously through me and l was not going to allow that.