Am i overreacting?

[JustTTC]

I need advice, am i being sensitive or overreacting?

I worked full time until my husband and I had our twins. Now 7mo.
They were conceived through ivf, so they were planned (definitely 1 baby anyway, the twin was a surprise).
Before deciding to have children we thoroughly discussed our options and both decided that we would prefer for me to be a sahm.
My partner has a better salary so this inevitably made sense financially also.
I have found being a 1st time mother difficult, along with my first children being twins. I do have a lot of support & help from family however it is still an exhausting job and i didn’t realise how hard it would be.
My husband is a good dad, however I am the default parent. I organise everything without complaint, meals, schedules & routines, appointments, medicine, and I am aware most mothers are the default parent, I’ll get used to it but I am finding it overwhelming.
He has never even administered calpol etc. so I do all of this myself. He has to feed 1 bottle and 1 solid each day, and gets one twin asleep at night so his responsibilities are minor.
I am starting to resent him, as when I try to discuss how difficult I am finding this, he basically points out that it is “your job”. I have ppd and I am on an antidepressant since they were 10wo. My mood is quite good considering, and the only time i feel really down is when he triggers me or speaks to me like I am below him. He often points out that he “has no choice but to go to work” and I have to point out that he made this decision with me so therefore it was his choice. He basically feels hard done by, by having to go to work. I offered to return to work as I am still employed and just about finished maternity, and that he could try to take 1 year off work and we could switch roles but he completely ignored this suggestion.
What has triggered me tonight is we sat down for dinner and he ran to the seat furthest from the babies who often fuss when they see us, and I said I have them all day I need the break while having dinner, and to this he used the term mentioned above, “that’s your job”.
He is constantly making remarks like this and making me feel like i an being ungrateful for my children.
I have decided to stop fighting because i feel like it is not worth it as he will never value the job I am doing with his babies. I feel very unseen. Just this morning he text me apologising for “not appreciating me”. Then he comes home and this is his mindset, so what he said this morning has become meaningless.
I feel like he is becoming a very narcissistic person and I don’t know what to do about it or how to handle it other than shutting down. He can also love bomb me alot after he acts like this and he will sulk if i don’t forgive him automatically and go along with the love bombing, which then starts another tiff.
Please advise!

I would advise you to return to your actual job when you finish Mat leave. The 'this is your job' nonsense is only going to get worse if you don't.

You are both overwhelmed with twins and I think a lot of this sounds quite typical of the patterns a lot of couples fall in in the early months with babies. Neither person gets enough downtime and it is easy to feel resentful of each other.

That is not to minimise the way you feel or suggest that he shouldn’t be doing any more. And yes, it must be galling for him to describe it as ‘your job’ I can absolutely see why you don’t that. Who would? But it is unfortunately just normal to feel very wrung out. It will get easier and seek all the support you need for your ppd. I hope things feel better soon.

I think this is really common, although difficult, when you have young children. We have a young baby as well and I’m on maternity leave, my husband is at work, and I think it’s so easy to end up competing for who works harder and who has it worse- try not to do that. We make a conscious effort not to compete and to just accept that actually it’s really hard for both of us! I occupy a baby all day so of course I feel I need a break when he gets home, he has worked all day and so of course he feels he needs a break when he gets home. Neither of us are wrong, neither of us trumps the other, it is just hard for both of us. If you can, it may be worth trying to have a real open honest conversation about it all & how you are feeling, we really try to communicate clearly (and calmly) with each other and it does make a big difference!

Plan to go back to work when your children are 1yo.

Start looking for nursery or childminder places now. Even if your salary doesn't cover the whole cost of two nursery or childminder places.

You will benefit from maintaining your skills, continuing to contribute to your pension, saving your sanity, and it may well save your marriage.

It will also help you retain your own identity and make it clear to your thoughtless and sexist husband, that you both work full time, and you should share the load after hours, equally.

He's a prick.
The hours he's at work and commuting are the hours the babies are solely your responsibility.
Outside that it's 50/50. Not your job. Next time he says it tell him to go back to work, so what if it's 10pm, he has a job.

I don't think being a SAHM is going to work out in this situation.

He needs to value your contribution at home and he doesn't, he wants to play the Big I Am.

You need to go back when your mat leave is over.

If you love your job, it makes sense financially and you want to go back then do.

However....I don't see this problem just disappearing. I see you working PLUS doing everything else aswell.

Draw up a plan. Who is doing what before work, drop offs, collecting, shopping, house jobs, admin, dinners, taking sick days off with the children (inevitable whilst at nursery). Then see what he says because I'd say step up or it's over, you may as well be a single parent. His behaviour is terrible, but as others have said I think alot of men are actually like this, are you prepared to put up with it?

Better to hang on to the job if the relationship is getting rocky tho. If he's disrespectful while she still could go back, it's likely to get worse if she's fully dependent.

Yes good point.
Also OP, it doesn't matter what you decided before the babies were born, things change as our experience of motherhood is almost never what we thought. It's tough.

The twins are your full time job 8-6 monday to friday. Outside of this, they are both your responsibility as is cleaning the house, food shopping, gardening, life admin. Has he been left on his own with the twins (both together) yet? Perhaps its time to do that for a day so he fully understands how difficult it is to cope. Do not give up your job. Plan to return

What a complete asshole. Yes there a lot of them. The problem is, and you are so lucky to realise it right away, that by being a SAHM you are giving up all your power. And he is taking advantage of it and your vulnerable position.

There is no way to change him and he's not going to want to anyway. Yes, this really sucks. Goodbye illusions. To regain your power you have to go back to work. You also will need to spell it out to him how things are going to have to change. The sooner you make that clear the better for you.

He needs to be doing his fair share when he gets home. It’s hard enough with one baby let alone two.

I would also, as mentioned above seriously think about going back to work. It sounds like he will be using you not working to leave you to carry the full load at home and with the babies and you will end up burnt out and resentful while he’s relaxing on his days off because it’s “your job”.

Go back to work. Your husband is a pig.

Seriously. Finish mat leave and then go back.

Afterwards division of labour should be as close to 50/50 as possible.

All this "that's your job" is sexist bullshit and will only get worse. You're a mother not a bloody slave. He should still be helping out.

If it doesn't change when you go back then leave. It sounds like you're a single mother anyway. Might as well make it official.

Definitely go back to work even if it's part time and you don't make any money out of it at first. You will do eventually once you start getting some of the hours funded.

every bit of this.

Does his job run 24/7? Didn't think so. Also he doesn't resent going out to work - he loves it. He resents doing anything for his babies - deeply unattractive isn't it?

Do not give up your job, OP. I promise you that you will regret it when you do. At the moment you are still being paid - maternity pay - and he is like this. Imagine what he will be like when his is the only paycheck? Some men are decent enough to be able to deal with having a wife who stays home to mind children - your dh isn't one of them.

Do not give up your job.
It is highly unlikely this relationship will last, and you will need it.
You will bitterly regret putting yourself in a more vulnerable position than you are already in.
What is your housing situation?

You need to leave him with both of them for an afternoon.