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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I cant let go of the hurt she caused

11 replies

Lillyroseflowers · 04/06/2024 18:34

2 years ago now me and my partner seperated for 6 months. I was pretty heartbroken and attended therapy. I had alot to cope with that year.

I know a woman that i met through a school friend. We met up once for dinner after our babies were born and ended up at 1 or 2 events together. We spoke alot on fb and stuff over the course of 16 years. She was alright. Abit nosy but harmless. I was kind to her. I sold her a big bag of baby clothes for £10 and she only had £8 on her. It didnt matter. I have given her £5 twice when she couldn't afford her dd school dinner and i lent her £30 on 3 occasions which she paid back. I noticed she copied me alot with stuff for the kids. But again didnt think badly.

Back in 2022 she got the council house next to my ex. She did not know him. I did talk to her about our split and relationship issues. She started to take pics of him if she saw him in the street and sent me them. I told her i didnt want to see. She then claimed hed let the door go in the shop to almost slam it on her.

A few months later she started making comments on me still having a mortgage with my first partner. I had to tell her to back off and keep out of it as it was finanically the only option at the time. She got spiteful and i had to block her number

A week later i find out she has contacted my ex partner. Shes messaged him on fb to ask him if im horrible to everyone. I looked on her fb page and my ex was now putting hearts under her photos and there was some banter and flirting on both pages. For 2 months i tortured myself looking. Shaking and full of pain not knowing what was going on.

I then found out through my exes friend shed sent nude pictures randomly and was constantly asking for money and fags. My ex sent her £50 as he felt sorry for her children. She managed to get my email and boasted hed spoilt her with a takeaway etc. I did my best to ignore and respond firmly when needed. She then sent me a nasty email saying he wont say anything bad about you why do you have such a hold on him!!

A few weeks later my ex got in touch. Hed lost his dad. He showed messages proving hed told her he wouldnt slag me off. He showed me pictures shed sent crying like she had sent to me to get attention and money. He said he had walked down to her house one night as she had begged for a vape (what the heck) and he said she was in a nightie trying to get him inside for a coffee and sex. He declined apparently.

Anyway we did get back together and its been 2 years nearly and im still struggling with the above. I cant seem to let go and i want to.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 04/06/2024 18:41

You were the victim of a narcissistic/generally crazy woman. Both of you were. It doesn't sound like he did anything wrong. Infact it sounds like just like you, he discovered far too late that she was nuts.

Maybe stuff did happen, but as he was a single man...so? So what?

My issue is that maybe you shouldn't have taken your ex back if he was your ex. Usually exs are exs for a reason. Why did you get back together?

And, is it possible things have just ran their course? Very few relationships last forever.

Lillyroseflowers · 04/06/2024 19:16

I find myself still checking her page to protect myself. My bf isnt even on fb anymore he removed all social media.
We split up because everything was a mess he had lost his rented house and we were just stressed out and couldn't ever go out due to his money issues and it sounds awful but he needed to sort his life out which he did. He came back to me with a new flat and job and in a better mindset. He is a happier person now.

Yes i think she flattered his ego and after a couple of months he saw she was after what she could get and to cause trouble.

I saw her in town a yesr ago and she tried to speak but i blanked her. I just cant find it in myself to forgive her.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 05/06/2024 15:38

You don't need to forgive her. She's a nutter.

OrlandointheWilderness · 05/06/2024 15:43

Glad everything is going well OP. Sounds like your DP did nothing wrong at all at the time or since, and tbh I would recommend you don't give her any more of your time as she doesn't deserve it. Time will sort this - in a few years she will be a mainly forgotten blip and you'll be past it. Just keep sailing.

BMW6 · 05/06/2024 21:07

Well she's an absolute piece of work isn't she!

I wouldn't give her a single second more of headspace.

Quitelikeit · 05/06/2024 21:11

Forgive her?!

Stop letting this NED live in your head rent free - I’m sure she would be delighted to know that she was tho

It is time to move forward and I do hope you are not giving your partner a hard time about this - she was highly manipulative and you even fell for her BS yourself

rileyy · 05/06/2024 21:19

Lillyroseflowers · 04/06/2024 19:16

I find myself still checking her page to protect myself. My bf isnt even on fb anymore he removed all social media.
We split up because everything was a mess he had lost his rented house and we were just stressed out and couldn't ever go out due to his money issues and it sounds awful but he needed to sort his life out which he did. He came back to me with a new flat and job and in a better mindset. He is a happier person now.

Yes i think she flattered his ego and after a couple of months he saw she was after what she could get and to cause trouble.

I saw her in town a yesr ago and she tried to speak but i blanked her. I just cant find it in myself to forgive her.

Forgive HER? Why? You owe her nothing. If she is as you’ve described then she’s trashy and gross. Not worth the mental energy at all.

Have you forgiven him? That’s where you should be focusing your energy. If you can’t then you need to end the relationship. If you believe it’s worth it to keep trying, then I would have a figure out what you want and need from him to move forward and have a discussion with him to tell him what it is you require. If he can’t give you that then the relationship is over anyway.

TheTartfulLodger · 05/06/2024 21:33

Maybe all of you need a rest from social media?

Lillyroseflowers · 06/06/2024 14:38

Theres a couple of things i feel a sadness about towards him. One he knew she was a "friend" of mine and it was pretty distasteful to start exchanging numbers and regular contact. The second thing was hed make the status public when they were flirting and hed put XXX to her which he sends 3 to me because it means i love you apparently. He was to some extent enjoying it otherwise hed have been fully mature and ignored her attempts at contact.

I guess ive not forgiven him either have i?

She is a very manipulitive person. She has bit a mans cheek during sex and stomped on her exes foot when he collected theor child once. She used to send me screen shots kicking off at her ex demanding hed go pick her up things like bread and diet coke from the shop. Hed reply saying we arent together and you live right near tescos and shed hurl abuse at him. It was so strange looking back.

OP posts:
Gazelda · 06/06/2024 14:47

I get that it was uncomfortable, and she sounds like a shit-stirring nightmare. But he was single at the time. He was flirting with someone. What was wrong with that?

In fact, it seems as though he realised pretty quickly that she could be trouble, so distanced himself. So no harm done.

You've blocked her. So get on with ignoring her. She's not someone relevant in your life. No forgiveness necessary. Simply stay away. If you see her, walk on by.

Stop over-analysing social media. Stop looking for signs of ... I don't know what!

Either enjoy the rekindled relationship, or end it and move on.

Lillyroseflowers · 06/06/2024 15:12

Thank you i know you are right. I know he was single but he says he never stopped loving me and thats why it baffles me. Yes maybe a social media break is a good idea. Thanks x

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