Meeting someone at 30+

[30somethinglost]

Hoping for some advice, a friend after a very tough time feels ready to meet someone. However this friend hasnt had serious relationship and has extremely low self esteem.
She is keen to avoid the well known dating apps due to the horror stories she certainly doesn’t want a causal thing. Does anyone know what of any suitable apps etc

TIA

I'm in the same boat after a recent breakup.

I'm giving myself a few months to a year and see how I go then.

I'm a fan of meeting people organically so I think id kick up my hobbies and use Meet Up. That might work for her too.

Dating apps - never used them. I have heard people meet good partners from them but it just doesn't appeal to me at least right now.

I think with low self esteem the dating apps would be dangerous.

I also would recommend she work on her self esteem alongside the dating if she wants to get back out there.

Thanks, I keep trying with to support her with self esteem but it’s been beaten down from multiple people especially people who should have been her biggest supporters and sadly she listens.

This was my caution with apps I just don’t want her to be hurt, used etc I know this would be a risk in any relationship but just hear so much negative things about apps.

She is honestly the kindest person and deserves someone who will appreciate her.

Not safe for her right now.

You need good boundaries to date. Moreso through apps.

Right now she'll attract narcissists and other sharks. Slightest bit of love bombing from them and she'll fall for it.

It's not a man's job to fix us, to make us whole, to plaster over our issues.

We have to get healthy first.

I'd encourage her instead to go to friendship based meetups (meetup.com) with various sexes. With the aim of getting out and meeting friends.

I'd also take her out for a bit of shopping/to a spa for a pamper day. Focus on helping her feel better about herself.

Then I'd send her links to YouTube videos on how to spot narcissistic abuse, red flags in dating.
She needs to know how to spot predators before dating again.

Discourage her from the apps.
Tell her she doesn't need a man right now. She needs to get emotionally well.

You could also suggest an outdoorsy/adventure holiday if you think she'd consider it. It helps people redevelop theur self esteem and self reliance to get out in the big world and swe what they are capable of.

Any holiday with you or other friends might be nice too.

Extremely lonely esteem doesn’t sound like someone ready for dating!

But if she is sure, prepare her for the disposal nature of online dating. It’s very common behaviour to not be sure about someone so just stop messaging them.. even after a date. Someone else will be an around for a date next weekend. She will HAVE to grow a thick skin and be ready to drop and run at the first red flag herself.

I liked bumble dating app. You decide which profiles you like the look of and if they like the look of yours you ‘match’. Then the female can message any male matches she has but males are not allowed to make the first move. Might give her a chance to view the dating pool without any unsolicited messages.

In a perfect world it would be ideal if she met someone on friendship level and it built from there. @Pinkbonbon thank you for the website that will be a good place to start.

Sadly the self esteem has been an issue for many years largely coming from childhood and how her parents especially her dad spoke and treated her.

Sometimes the need to heal from the hurt of the last abuser can cause us to chase the next man. And of course then we end up stuck in a cycle of dating the wrong people. When instead we need to find our own voice. Not look for new mens voices to down out the old ones.

I'd remind her that she's great and any man would be lucky to have her but thar new men can't fix old hurts. And often what we think is medicine can turn out to be poison if we don't take enough time to stop and read the labels.

That sometimes the best course of action is rest, peace, healthy lifestyle and perhaps - therapy. One we feel good in ourselves, then we can date.