Fear accusations of parental alienation

[cocavino]

My ex and I are currently in a horrible situation where he has mistreated our daughter. There is a police and social services investigation.

He categorically denies all wrongdoing and says her claims are due to efforts by me to alienate her from him.

My daughter says that she hates her father and has never seemed to like him much. Her dislike of him has increased even more since the abuse became known.

I do not say bad things about him to her and I have tried to encourage their relationship. But now I want him not to have contact because I see that he presents a serious threat to her physical and emotional wellbeing, and she never wants to see him again.

I am terrified he will be able to turn this all around on me and convince people that I turned our daughter against him. After all, it is very strange for any child, even an abused one, to reject a parent.

What can I do to protect her? How open are courts to false claims of alienation?

It's not strange for an abused child to reject a parent.
Loyalty to your parents never fullly goes away, but that doesn't mean she wants to see him, spend time with him, or put herself at risk for further emotional and physical damage. Children can still love their parent and yet want nothing else to do with them.

However, just as common is a child who hasn't suffered any abuse still rejecting one parent out of loyalty to the other parent, maybe because they are the primary caregiver and the child feels dependant on them, or because they are perceived as the emotionally more fragile parent and need the affirmation and the childs love more than the other parent. It can even happen when one parent never verbally makes any comments about the other, or never explicitly tells the child they have to choose. Children are excelent at picking up subtle cues and acting on them the way they believe their parent would want them to.

I don't know your situation, but any investigation will probably be aimed at determining whether you're in the first or the second category.

Your question about parental alienation is impossible to answer in a general matter. Every family/situation is different and it's impossible to predict the outcome of a court.

@Girlmom35 if I am in the second category, would I be viewed as a parental alienator? I have tried to be as positive as possible about him but he was (and is) emotionally abusive and controlling towards me. She has witnessed this behaviour many times and won't be keen on anyone who mistreats me. I also now know that she has been subject to direct mistreatment from him.

If your child is actually being mistreated or abused, you can't be in the second category. Because you're protecting your child from further damage.
The second category is only applicable when there was no abuse, but the child will show an obvious preference for one parent because they feel that this parent wants/expects/needs them to. The child is putting their needs (like the need for a healthy relationship with both parents) second to those of their preferred parent.

You say your child has been mistreated. I'm not saying she hasn't. I don't know. But can you be sure that this is the case, and she's not just claiming this because she feels that it would be better/easier for you if she's no longer in contact with her father? i'm not asking you this because i doubt your story, but because I know that if this goes to court, you can expect to be asked these questions.

Also, you say you're as positive as you can be about him. I don't think that's always the best approach, because kids can tell when you're not being authentic or speaking the truth. I don't think it's your job to cover up his mistakes and to pretend that it's all okay. Sometimes not saying anything or remaining neutral is the best appoach. This also makes sure you're not invalidating her experiences.

F.e.: my husband can be very forgetful. My 5-year-old needed clean socks because hers got wet. Her dad was just about to go upstairs, so I said: ask your dad to bring you down some socks. Her reply was: "Why bother? He'll just forget by the time he's up the stairs and I'll have to get them myself anyway."
A good reply wouldn't be that I wipe her experience and feelings away and say that that's not true and dad isn't forgetful at all.
I shouldn't pretend like something she's picked up on isn't true, because it is.
I absolutely shouldn't pile on and complain about all the times I've felt frustrated that he forgot something.

My response was listening to how that made her feel and letting her have those feelings, recommending she talk to her dad about this and I ended with asking her: does dad make you feel like he loves you? She said yes. I then asked her: what do you think is more important to you? A dad who remembers everything or a dad who makes you feel loved?

If this is what you're doing, then no one can tell you that you're alienating your child from her father.

@Girlmom35 thank you. It's a very difficult situation. I am certain that she has been mistreated, but I am not sure whether the authorities believe her.

I never deny or invalidate negative things she says about her father, but I also don't pile on the negativity; I just try to listen and understand. I encourage their relationship by saying it's very important for children to see their fathers.

I have said approximately three slightly negative (true) things about him in her life (in response to direct questioning from her / prompted by his saying bad things about me to her), and he now brings them up constantly as evidence of my wrongdoing.

He's poisonous and terrifying